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I made it!! I made it through another lonely Xmas Eve! Last year I spent by myself and unhappy because H was gone and I did it again. Yeah. The holdidays are over and life can go back to normal.......There are 80 days until my due date. I am going to start counting them down.

I did hear from H last night early wishing us a happy new year. I waited about an hour or so and said me too. Never heard from him again. Its so strange. He would rather be alone than give up his friendship with OW.

I spent some time with my sister yesterday and was filling her in on the latest. She just shakes her head like everyone. The part that irritates her is how he comes over and proclaims how miserable he is and how this is not how he wants his life, misses his family but does not do jack sh** to fix it. Its almost like poor me.

I am trying to look ahead now that the holdidays are over...I do have alot coming up. I have one of those 4d ultrasounds tomorrow. Those give you the greatest pictures of your baby. I am so excited about that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR SO2!

The good news is that the holidays and 2007 are OVER!

Good luck with your ultrasound....I've seen these photos and they are really neat.
J~

Yes Jenny, I am so excited about the photos too. Been looking forward to this for a long time.

H was a bit bummed saying he wished he could go with me today for the pics and hoped I would give him one. You bet, I am going to give him a big pic of his child to put on his table next to OW's kids! How nice. I will give him some pics. I want him to be reminded daily of what he is choosing to miss out on every day. Oh, wait...I have to rephrase that. He wants to see his baby everyday but then leave when he wants and have his own life.

I really feel bad as I am pushing H out of my life because he still contacts OW, but I am starting to feel this panic feeling. The baby is just 10 or less weeks away. I don't want to feel this way when she comes. I want to feel comfortable with H there with me and not despising him. Right now I have visions of the delivery room and H standing there and I just want to punch him in the nose! I want to look to him for comfort and as genuine support. Right now I don't feel that safety with him. He is trying to connect with me, but I won't let him because of his 'friendship' with OW. What am I going to do?

Hope the pictures look great. I'm sure they will. I can't wait to do that. It's so exciting. I still have another 4 or 5 weeks until I can find out what the sex is. So, you can do the 3D at 30 weeks? I can't wait. Personal question: Can you tell me how much it cost? I have heard some people say $200 and others $1000. I'd love to know. God, you are so much stronger than I am. I feel like I'm just a mess. Clinging to the smallest thing.

Hi blindsided...I posted on your thread about the pics. They were great.

What a day yesterday. My daughter and I went to get the pics done and it was an all day deal. It made me a bit sad that H wasn't there, but he probably couldn't have made it anyway with work. He kept texting me all day wondering how it was and when we were going to be home so he could see them. We ended up stopping and shopping on the way home so it took me awhile and H was getting frustrated.

He came over right when I got home and we watched this 20 minute dvd of our baby and it was very overwhelming. I was teary eyed and so was he. I think it really moved him. The pics are so clear and you can see everything, and it was no longer some black and white fuzzy thing. We decided that she had my nose and his mouth.He kept saying how awesome she was and how much he loves her. I gave him some pics of her and he left. When he was leaving I started to cry. I just lost it and got very emotional. This is our child and there was so much tension between us. I didn't say that part, but just felt very overwhelmed. He held me for awhile and then left.

He began to send text messages. The pics really hit him. He was saying how much he loves her and how he can hardly wait till she is born and we can lay in bed with her and play with her, how much she is loved. He even took a pic of himself and her pic together and sent it like it was supposed to be some resembalance. Then he sent a text....I love you. Wow!! I told him I loved him too. I tried to go to sleep and then he sent one asking if I could come over and he can feel his baby move. I did and it was really awesome. Why can't it be like that always? He held me and we looked at the baby's pic on his table and he had a candle lit all around it (kinda cheesy I know). We laid on the couch together and talked about life, but nothing controversial. He kept telling me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. He had a few tears here and there. We ended up having sex and it was great. I left a bit later as my teenagers were home and couldn't leave them all night.

I did notice that the pics of OW's kids were gone. Maybe he just put them away when I came over I have no idea.

Back to square one. Nothing was settled but we did have a good night. Now I have no idea where to go from here. Last time I thought this was a breakthrough it fell apart.

Ok, comments!!!!

Hi SO2,
Sounds like a wonderful night.
Just rememeber that they will peek in and out of the tunnel many times. I think these are all good signs.
Maybe go back and read the part in DR on how to react when they are showing positive signs. Take it slow and don't get your expectations up too high at the moment.
Take it for what it was and enjoy it. At least you know there is something there even if it will be a while before you can build on it.
J~

I am so envious. What a wonderful night it sounds like you had. I know it's hard not to get your hopes up even when you tell yourself not to. I wish you the best of luck, I really do. I wish my H would make me feel loved even for a moment. I think I would pass out if he told me that he loved me. He said that on Christmas day, but I believe it was just a reaction to me saying to him first. Good luck, really and truly I wish you good luck. I would love to see a success story with you. I need some hope these days.

As much as I loved last night....its a movie that has been played over and over again. I no longer look at it as a for sure sign anymore.

I really do believe H loves me and I love him, but we are both afraid. Afraid that we will make the same mistakes again.

I just got this from MIL. Now this woman has been on my side the whole time and something in her turned. We live in a small town and the only people I talk to in detail is my sister and 2 close friends about this. Everyone else's opinion is based on what a schmuck H is being in not standing up and his ongoing R with OW. OW keeps it no secret that they talk and MIL seems to think I am slandering her poor innocent baby....tell me how you think I should respond..I changed names obviously...


Dear SO2,
How did the kids and you like the gifts we sent? I'm glad you are feeling better. I had a long talk with H and mainly listened. He has a caring heart and does care about you and the baby because he did father it. Without repeating what we talked about all I can say SO2 is there is no laughter between you two or fun times, or giggling times. We were there at H's one time when OW and the boys were over and there was a lot of laughing with all of them....which is important for someone who has had cancer. To judge and try to find out if he is sexual with her is not minding your own business. If he does not drink while visiting you and you want him to be a part of baby's life, you need to continue to be loving and kind. "You can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar". That means to me that all the prying and trying to find out what he's doing or not doing is not healthy. The power is in PRAYING for him every day as I do. When my other sons are with H more often than you are I can hear how he is doing. All I would like you to do is see your own reaction to what you do not have and try to change that. H will change, men are slow and we are impatient and want our way.
Laughing is an intragal part of being truly human, even if its only on t.v. I'm sorry you had to spend New Years alone because H did too.

As far as his drinking............he is the only one to say if he is an alcoholic or not. He is a wonderful, caring person and is good to his girls, and H's ex wife says she would not let them be in a vehicle with H if he is drinking. Maybe he has decided to watch out since so much Gossip has gone on in the valley. I'm sending you a book and I wrote in it to you. I want to hear how you are feeling and how the baby is but not gossip about H. He is my son and I will always love him and stand behind him especially if he is not drinking. If you want to have any kind of a relationship with the father of your baby you need to stop being jealous (its a sin) and Gossiping about everything you can find out. Gossip is agaist the 4th and 5th commandment. Also men and women see things totally different anyway and you can relax and invite H (after praying) to appointments and different occasions where the baby is concerned. And the next time you see Fr. priest try to tell him how your feeling (jealousy, gossiping, etc etc) not what H is doing or not doing. You will never win him to your way of thinking unless it is God centered. Only tell one person (your sponsor or a priest how everything makes you feel) and try not to blow everything out of porportion. I have listened to you lots of times now and feel you have a full time job practicing patience, managing your anger, and if he does get drunk or drink it is non of our business. So when you do invite him over to share baby with you, you can be free of any of the above. When I say you have blown everything out of porportion I'm going by what his siblings have said also. H know we will not be on his side if he is drinking and using anything. So far his boss says he is responsible and does his job. I do not believe he is happy living alone but its far better to live alone than to 'live in a house with a nagging wife'. It says in scripture 'its better to live on the corner of a roof ' than to live in a house with a nagging woman an no laughter................ In alanon I learned to fake it till I make it. Ask the girls what their experience is in Alanon about that saying.

I love you as my daughter-in-law but I love my son also and will stand behind him if he does the right thing. Everything cannot be always our way and if you step back and look you will eventually see you will possibly never have a husband if you are not willing to continue to change yourself and that means not talking about anybody to anybody else. In Alanon it says to never repeat anything said there and it is the same in a household or in a town. Even if someone is drunk it is not to be repeated so as to defame his character. Remember God loves us all as we are even if we need to change.

Our Mother, Mary always contemplated everything the Lord and family said in her heart. She is our model and yes it is hard to follow but we are here to improve our tempermants and learn how to live peacefully in our homes and society.

We had lunch today. Now he says he wants to focus on getting along for our baby and hanging out a few days a week together. Then when the baby is born we will start bonding. What? He says he doesn't want to think about our relationship right now and just concentrate on the baby coming. Whatever.

So tonight he was texting me all friendly. Fine. Then he had the nerve to ask me if he can borrow some money. His work is slow right now and he can't make his rent. Wait! Isn't this the same man that earlier told me he didn't want to think about a relationship? I have been avoiding the question and he finally got frustrated and told me goodnight.

The Jekyll/Hyde is back!