but once someone has cheated whether it be EA or physical and they have chosen to leave for that person how can true trust ever be regained? ================================================= it can be, is it easy? no, does it require monumental work? yes
It is hard but not impossible, it hurts to know about an op and the details (I learned far too much for my own good) but once you look into your heart and decide you can forgive it can be done.
About the D, ditto what Dom said, don't facilitate it, stall, I bought myself a lot of time when I told him (it was true of course) how i was just dealing with the separation and was in no shape ready to discuss D.
No, not all Ms end up in D years or months later, there are tons of couples who make it, I"m not a prime example since my H was never really ready to come back and his depression sunk him again and was seeing op again...but.. I was able to leave the A pain behind, to trust him, to move forward.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Last night H was going to visit d but she fell asleep. I sent a message to say I would let him know when she wakes up but was told he was going out. His ow is in a band (i can't compete with that), my h is a musician - obviously he believes she is his soul mate. Anyway while on the net I see that they had a gig last night.....he could not see his d because he had to go be a groupie at his ow's gig. For all I know he now plays in the band.
I am having a really hard time with db'ing because at this point in time I am invisible to my H. He is obsessed with his new life and seems to be thrilled to finally be free. This is such a blow to my self esteem. I thought we would be married forever and I love him but how much rejection can a person take before it breaks your spirit.
It is hard to let go but I have realized that to him I don't exist. I have wondered if I should confront the ow or her partner (if he still exists as they may have decided to mutually dump the partners)but I think that would be counterproductive.
I have been focusing on my baby and looking for an apartment to rent. I have never lived on my own or even spent one night alone. This all feels like a bad dream. Nothing I do can change his feelings for her!!! I knew deep down that she was a threat but I trusted my H so much. Part of me wants all this to end so I can start again and find someone out there that will appreciate and love me but the other part of me wishes that my h would just come home. Everyone keeps on telling me there is more than one lid for a pot.
I feel like the longer I wait the more rejected I feel. The question that rings through my head is "what if he never mants to come back?" - I feel like I am setting myself up for disaster. I would never become involved with anyone while I am still legally married so that means I will continue to feel lonely until he files for D or comes home.
feels like it really is the end. never thought i would be a statistic!!!!!!!!!!!
True, I have amazed myself that yes I can get on without him. Rekindled old friendships and gone on to do new things. the world keeps on turning. but obvioulsy wish he was still part of the equation.
It is hard not to become obsessed with what he is up to but I know it is pointless and my energy is better spent on myself and my daughter...still hard.
To get a life I have started looking for a place for us to live and looking for a job (took a year off to be with my d as a stay at home mom), making friends and having some happy moments which I never felt would happen so soon. It is hard to act happy infront of my h but I no longer question him. It is more of a greeting and that is all at this stage.
He is coming to see d tomorrow and that is always difficult. Seeing him happy with her makes it difficult to understand why he does not just give in and come home.
It has nearly been 3 months and there has been no positive change. H told me he now wants a d. I asked him to think about it again and he said he would. Evverytime he sees me he says answer is still "no" not coming back but will think about it. He says he is too busy to think now!!! I have no idea where he is living. He says with a guy he works with but I can hear he is lying. Caught him out the other night, he said he was with some guy and he was actually with OW. I think he is staying with her. She is a successful musician, something he has been trying to be. He says he has finally found someone just like him that he can be best friends with. He said our marriage was not bad but he does not want to do it anymore. I am trying to do a 180 but messed up when caught him out with OW and told him to make choice NOw of course he said no... The only contact we have is when he visits our daughter. He did not send christmas wishes or a present for d, no new year message and he does not contact me. How can a 180 work if he is ignoring me completely?
H came over tonight to see d. He was very pleasant and we talked about how his work is going and what he did over new years and christmas - i initiated the conversation but he was talking freely. He has not done that for a while. We did not talk about the r or divorce or ow. I asked if we were continuing with counselling and he said ok. I know that just because he was pleasant it does not mean he is coming back but it was nice to have him like his old self. Still he continued to tell me how he has to find somewhere new to stay end of feb and trying to make it clear in a subtle way that he does not want to come back. Even though i know he is lying about where he is living and that i think it is with ow - but i said nothing.
Dbing is so hard. All I want to do is beg him but that got me nowhere before. I am looking for an apartment to move into so I can move out of my folks place. I never lived on my own so it would be nice to have space and see my survival instincts kick in. It will be hard being a completely single parent but i will survive. I am starting a new job in a week which is both exciting and depressing. was enjoying being at home with my baby but it will do me some good to be busy. Have not worked for a year but I am sure I will get into the swing of things.
What is weird about dbing is that it feels like he should want to come back if i am falling apart, yet i am suppossed to show him i am fine (even though i am dying inside). what i worry about is if he is shallow enough to think ok she is fine now i can leave!
The other thing i don't know how to do is give him his stuff without causing tension and what about his set of keys???do i ask for them????
He says he wants to continue counselling but does not like counsellor so there is another thing to deal with. do i speak to counsellor alone or do we find a new one (3rd one).
Wow. He didn't even send a gift to his daughter on her first Christmas? Sometimes these things still amaze me. He is deep in his fantasy-life. It's good that he's still willing to go to counseling. What are the reasons for him not liking this current counselor. I know my h didn't like our counselor because she called him on things - alot. He wants someone on HIS side who will agree with his choices and his temper. I'd say find another one. We've personally gone through 3 as well and may be looking for #4. As far as his set of keys. Are these keys to your parents house? Does he ever just walk in or does he knock. I guess since his stuff is still there, he should have access if he needs something. But at the time he has everything, he needs to give you back the keys.
DB'ing is tough when every cell in you is crying for him to come back, and you have to act calm. But, it works. And, if nothing else, you will have your dignity and self-respect. That alone is appealing.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I gave him a gift a few days after christmas he said that it was 'rad'. I did not send him a text on new years, he said he did not receive any or send any. I looked at him and said of course you know i wanted to but you asked me not to text you and i respected that wish....yet he still made me feel bad! Why should i feel bad, he did not send me one and he is the one that walked out. Even after I gave him a gift he did not go and get belated gifts for us. He gave me 20 questions about my choice of gift for him. I felt like saying i am sure they will change it if you want!
The problem is that i want to say all these things cos i am angry but if i do it will push him further away.
Keys are to my parents house. He never knocks just walks in. think he is feeling challenged by counsellor who probes deep to see how he reacts. She pushes him and he does not like that. she suggested he have private sessions with someone and he said no. previous counsellor loved him and it was like i was getting beaten on every session. This new one does not take sides but she does not take his crap either but she is delving into the past and focussing on negatives. We have never discussed positive reasons to stay married or how baby increased pressure.
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