I haven't read the developments here closely, but my guess is that the increased intimacy has to do with three things:
(1) increased authenticity on LFL's part -- regardless of how she got there, she came clean with H, laid things on the table, let him know exactly where she was and what she was willing to do (2) increased authenticity on LFL's H's part -- he came clean about being submissive and LFL didn't flip. (And no, I don't think *any* male is going to cop to being submissive unless he means it. I think that was a HUGE step for LFL's H that was probably a huge relief for him.) (3) LFL effectively bombed H. The bomb makes pretty much all bombees very much aware of what they are losing and very horny. Ask around on the other parts of DB -- having an increased sex drive right after the bomb is pretty normal.
It sounds like this is a real opportunity for LFL and her H to get to a place where they have a good sex life that lasts. The post-bomb sexual energy should be capitalized upon in a way that makes it lasts by continuing to increase authenticity.
LFL --be open to each other. Be vulnerable. Show yourself. Be accepting. This is what you've done in (1) and (2). Keep it up and combined with (3) I think you may wonder a year from now how you two could have ever been where you were a week ago.
Thanks for that summary oldtimer. I truly hope you are right. I really do feel like something radical is going on between the both of us. As flawed as I am, I feel like if I can be authentic with H, than we will be able to get through anything. I'm almost positive we will.
I'm shattered! next thing ya know you're going to tell me there is also no Santa Claus
No really, Corri, I do find you to be full of insight that often takes a bit to grok, and sometimes takes months before I say, "wow, that must be what Corri was taking about".
I'm encouraging her to stay with it... as it seems that she is more interested in having her H supply her with water, rather than learning how to dig a well.
Why are you making such insulting remarks to me? And that you have no basis for as well? My H is my "supply". I can't exactly do this without him. Not everything in a M can be acconmplished by one person. That is not being selfish, or demanding, and princess-like. If my H is not going to supply me with a need that I have, than we are going to have problems. We both know it. More now than ever. You don't seem to get it at all. You're not HD so I don't expect you to. My H is not HD either but I think he is finally getting it. And also realizing...wow...he likes it too. And the sex is making us much more intimate in all areas. It wouldn't be happening without the increase in sex. I know that from our history.
Quote:
Not too long ago, you didn't want to work, on anything, remember?
I always have issues to work on. You don't need to talk down to me. It makes me not want to hear your point.
Quote:
You took your M to the brink of cheating. You want to go do that again the next time you hit a drought, by all means, have at it.
No, I don't want to. But even more than the cheating, I don't want to hit the drought. THAT is the real issue in the M. The drought involves both my H and I. The cheating...I own.
Quote:
What I was trying to say to you is through this process, I think you inadvertently stumbled upon a truth about your H, one that maybe he can't even admit... if you don't want to explore, fine.
I don't know what you are referring to here.
Quote:
I'm not judging you
I'm calling BS on that. You were especially judging me for the way I talked to BF. Why you feel that is your place, I don't know. What BF and I say to each other is not your concern. You can have your opinion about it. But to say he wouldn't even "nibble" at me? You don't know of which you speak and why you think you do is beyond me. If BF wants to tell me to go take a flying leap, he can do it. You don't need to be his keeper.
Quote:
it's precisely because I am D that I am coming in and saying that if you were that close to throwing it all away, it would be very prudent of you to work on things while they are 'good,' cuz by your own words, you aren't real good at it when things aren't going your way. I don't know many of us that are.
Well, that is exactly what I am trying to do by f-ing my H's brains out every night. And trust me, it's not against his will.
I'm encouraging her to stay with it... as it seems that she is more interested in having her H supply her with water, rather than learning how to dig a well.
Why are you making such insulting remarks to me? And that you have no basis for as well?
I wasn't insulting you. I was making an analogy. Why are you feeling insulted?
Quote:
Quote:
Not too long ago, you didn't want to work, on anything, remember?
I always have issues to work on. You don't need to talk down to me. It makes me not want to hear your point.
??? Huh??? I'm not talking down to you; I was referring to direct quotes, made by you, in this very thread. You can look... I'll go find them if you want me to...
Quote:
But even more than the cheating, I don't want to hit the drought. THAT is the real issue in the M. The drought involves both my H and I. The cheating...I own.
I know... and when droughts hit, you say you will cheat. There's a significant point in that, but I'm going to leave it alone right now, as you are obviously very angry at me.
Quote:
You were especially judging me for the way I talked to BF. Why you feel that is your place, I don't know. What BF and I say to each other is not your concern. You can have your opinion about it. But to say he wouldn't even "nibble" at me?
No. He won't nibble at you, at least according to him, because you are married. Period. I can go find that quote of his, too... I'm not sure how you are taking that as a judgment. It sounds like a point of fact to me... which I intended it to be... same for the chair throwing... I can go find those quotes... nothing he has posted on this board yet has contradicted these particular statements he's made. I don't know him in real life, though... so you are right, what do I know... I'm just going on what's been said here...
Quote:
If BF wants to tell me to go take a flying leap, he can do it. You don't need to be his keeper.
Yes, he can... and no, I'm not his keeper... wasn't trying to be, either.
Quote:
Well, that is exactly what I am trying to do by f-ing my H's brains out every night. And trust me, it's not against his will.
Jesus, lady... what is with you? If I have misread your latest posts from the past few days, I am truly sorry. But maybe YOU can go back and read YOUR posts and perhaps see where my comments are coming from...
I'm not his keeper... wasn't trying to be, either.
Quote:
But maybe YOU can go back and read YOUR posts and perhaps see where my comments are coming from...
I think I'll just say ditto on that last point. You really don't see how you come across like that at all? I'm not the only one who brings that up to you every now and then. sheesh lady, right back at ya And just like I said to BF, you're a pisser.
Quote:
No. He won't nibble at you, at least according to him, because you are married. Period. I can go find that quote of his, too... I'm not sure how you are taking that as a judgment. It sounds like a point of fact to me... which I intended it to be... same for the chair throwing... I can go find those quotes... nothing he has posted on this board yet has contradicted these particular statements he's made. I don't know him in real life, though... so you are right, what do I know... I'm just going on what's been said here...
I'm going to let this one die a quiet death.
Quote:
If I have misread your latest posts from the past few days, I am truly sorry.
I don't know if you have misread. But you see what you want to see. Don't we all.
I just want to be a happy person Corri. You don't seem very happy to me, but maybe I'm wrong.
LFL you don't seem very happy also. You don't like people calling you out on the carpet at all. I mean you get down right pissed if anyone tells you that you could possibly be wrong. Or that you could possibly be dmaging your marriage also.
Yeah your husband may be on a high right now. But I can almost guarantee he won't respect the fact that every time things get rough you are going to cheat. Once it sinks in I am sure it will be a blow to his ego. But I guess at least you were honest with him. It could have been worse. Seems like you only told him thoigh because the other guy actually blew you off. Maybe he lost respect for you on what you were about to do.
You are wrong!! Go read your marriage vows. Didn't you promise to be faithful? To say you are going to cheat if things get rough is just wrong. I feel sorry for your husband.
Just dropping in nosey-parker style to say that I think you are both right and both wrong. LFL is in complete dopamine-infused lala land to think that this breakthrough is going to lead to lasting change without some considered effort. Trust me I know. Corri is still too invested in an avoider mind-set and offers advice that is along the lines of "if you pursuers could just learn to be more of an avoider like me than everything would be all balanced in everyone's relationship" The thing is if you keep signaling to your partner that you need space, you will eventually get space but it might not be in a form you like. Not everyone is going to choose to go take hang-gliding lessons. However,I think pursuers who choose to be dishonest about their choices are chicken-sh*tted and I think avoiders who cling to notions of honor and commitment as justification for acting like cr*p in a relationship are chicken-sh*tted too.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
here she is again... I literally spit out my diet coke when I saw your post...right on que...didn't we go through this the last time..
Quote:
You are wrong!! Go read your marriage vows. Didn't you promise to be faithful? To say you are going to cheat if things get rough is just wrong. I feel sorry for your husband.
I didn't say I was going to cheat again. Corri did. It is so obvious you all want me to fail it is draining just reading these posts right now. And sorry to burst your bubble, but we are very happy. And will remain very happy because I am letting myself be...with him...finally. So thanks for the smackdown but not needed. I'm already on board. LFL
Corri is still too invested in an avoider mind-set and offers advice that is along the lines of "if you pursuers could just learn to be more of an avoider like me than everything would be all balanced in everyone's relationship"
I have to laugh on this one.... and it is a bitter kind of laugh at myself. I create my own problems.
I don't avoid. I pursue. I pursue what I want, at the cost of other. And that is what my thread is/was all about. Somehow... in some strange sense... GGB gets it. So does IC. Lou might be on the verge.
Hairdog is all over it. Now if he can DO IT... dam... he is a man.
LFL is working through. Right now, she is getting what she wants. See? Everyone is happy. The minute she is not... things are going to go to he!! in a hand basket. Because she does not understand how to dig her own well. I'm NOT picking on her. I may not be clear in how I am conveying this... but... Lil is kinda getting it now... hopefully when it gels, she will do her oh so eloquent, very, very clear writing. I'm a journalist by trade, folks. Doesn't mean I can SAY it clearly. I'm so sorry for it.
I will stand by my sticking point with LFL. I've stated it. She has stated it... but she can't see it. Many HDs cannot. That IS the power struggle.
LFL, I apologize if my assessment is wrong... but what I hear you saying is... as long as there is no drought (I get what I want), I will not cheat (find another well).
I promise you... I am not trying to come down on you. I AM blunt. But I am NOT trying to hammer you. I've defended you on this very thread. I personally feel... you don't see it yet. You just can't admit that maybe you don't. That's really very okay. If you want to take out your anger and feeling insulted on me... go for it. I won't take it personally. Promise. I know. I've told you. BTDT.
This is NOT about my happiness.
I am speaking to you becuz.... I care. I care about all you folks. The reason why I brought BF into the mix is because... he said "I will not get involved with married people." I didn't get that... until I was single. Posting here. I've talked with many folks, male and female alike, off line. As soon as I was separated, and I began posting here... I saw the wisdom in BF's statement. I took it to heart, not because of some 'defending' thing I have going for BF... but because I could see immediately the danger here of conversing offline as a single woman with men who were struggling in their Ms. I COULD use that to my advantage... but I care for the people here. I care that they ARE struggling... I know my own weakness... and I will be damed if I will bring that to a man who is struggling on here with their own M.
If I cannot overcome my own weaknesses, I will be damed if I make another the 'cause' of it. I have to know myself. I have deluded myself plenty. I'm really good at it, actually. Catching myself at it is something else.
I THOUGHT that LFL was getting there, in her confusion. Given our last few posts, she is not. It's cool. She can rail at me all she wants. I can take it. It's good to have someone to whom you can direct your anger.
What is happening is not the cure for her. It is a honeymoon period. I hope I am wrong. I don't think I am... I'm not saying that to be cocky... just BTDT.
For the same reason I did not level IC for his ONS, I will not come down on LFL. She has to see it. It doesn't matter if I see it or not. It doesn't matter that she was honest about it. As Lil said, it took quite a lot of balls on her part to say something like that on this thread, and not expect 2 x 4s.
It's just when they come... she doesn't want to hear it. If she does... I'll be around. But I still love the bejeezus out of her anyway.
