Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Tostada Nearing the Hot Oil

I did see a lawyer....Its pretty tricky on the finances when you share an account, both contribute to the account, and you dont really want to rock the boat too much. But at some point, you have to stop the rocking from the bow. Some changes will be made asap if served I guess. I just will have to.

They didnt really make any financial recommendations. I created my own checking and credit card and moved some stuff over so I could finance my defense in case my accounts were frozen.

Hey Tostada,

DB is the overall process which supports us but each individual has to refine it to suit their needs. So at times you just gotta do what you gotta do if it works. In saying that there's a whole bunch more of us rooting for you.

It seems like your W is making a last stand cos things are not going her way, so she is going to hit you with all sorts, from direct abuse to guilt tripping you. Stand firm on the things you have decide to, whilst softening your answer with an explanation as to why you are doing it. Make sure you don't rise to any angered response from W.

This is going to be a difficult phase for you, whether she files or not, we all trust you to handle it at your DB best.

Good luck fella.

one thing I'm finding rather interesting is the behvior transformation in w.

when bomb hit, she was a social animal. going out with friends as much as possible and doing a lot of partying, coming home drunk and very late.. this lasted for over 2months.

well I have really noticed that she has really dialed back her partying. I don't think she has really done anything social for the past few weekends. except when she came home on nye bombed at 9pm.

I am wondering if her lawyer told her to mellow out and try to be the best mom as possible during this stage? her efforts to be supermom are obvious.

nothing really happening between W and me....I have been pretty much avoiding her and we are not communicating at all. fun.

Had a big GAL today....went to NFL game and college basketball game w/ son....pretty fun day.

came home and W at home with neighbor divorced woman...sitting around drinking wine. shocker. she still isnt out on the social scene again this weekend.

Still getting the 'perfect mother' effort from W...

doing all she can to be as nice as possible and make as big an effort she can with kids.

called two other families today and offered to take their boys and ours to their basketball game today. she has never done this in the past and if she goes, usually shows up late. I squashed that idea, that's my gig...I take the boys to their games early....I had been looking forward to this.

What is up with her trying to now be the perfect mother? no late nights, no bigtime socializing, and now going all out for the kids.

still not much interaction between us....

Tostada,

I don't know what your wife was like prior to the bomb, however, maybe this is a sign that she is slowly making her way back to 'normal'. Just trying to be positive. Trying to be supermom is not neccesarily negative is it?

Hi Tostada,

There are worse things than your W trying to be a good mom. Maybe she is realizing what is important to her? Maybe one of these days she'll realize that you are important as well? Who knows?

I wouldn't worry about some supposed unknown agenda...just take what she is doing and act as if it's great. All else equal, I'd rather have a WAW who is a good mom than otherwise.

Yes..I think it is good that my W is returning to her good motherly self...that is good no doubt. But to me and how she got there makes me wonder. I really believe the issue of custody and our home has had her lawyer coach her a bit and give her advice to do this. Thus....I guess that's a bummer.

I dont think she's figuring out I'm important by a long shot. She came home today angry...saying that if I wont move out, she will, and will take all the furniture with her, and she's not leaving behind her kids. I was very calm through this crazy discussion. She also wanted me to agree to a parenting plan. I just calmly told her that I dont think she can really take everything with her and I wasnt going to agree to any plan that allowed me less than 50% time with the kids. I just told her I wasnt doing any negotiating on legal stuff without talking to someone first.

Of course it just makes her mad when I wont agree to just vaporize into the sunset and let her do this to me, let her have it all and I just go away quietly.

She said she just wants everyone to be happy....ok great....coming up with a plan in which she doesnt even know for sure she will be happy, yet screw up two kids and make scores of others upset at her, is very selfish. I can understand it if we actually made an effort at some solutions and decided it wont work after a period of time. But to just give up without finding out is pure and simple quitting.

as far as DB'ing....her mind is so hard set on leaving me, not sure it matters. I am remaining nice, but very quietly avoiding her.

Tostada,
Like I said earlier, I feel for you because your sitch is a few days ahead of mine. I am struggling with leaving. My WAW asked me to leave also.
At this point, what is holding me back is my D7. Otherwise, I would have been long gone. Seriously, how much can a person take. DBing under the same roof is rough because of our expectations. Because we can not understand where the person (pre bomb) went. Welll, maybe just maybe leaving would be the best thing for our sitches. Every sitch is different and everry man is different. I hope this turns around for you a little....soon.

I actually found DB'ing with W at home much easier - I saw far more of her daily personality changes and could better understand what was a response to me, and what was something else. Ironically, our R was pretty good in the last couple of weeks before she moved out.

When one of you moves out, all the dynamics change - Priorities shift and for a while (a good month or two) life is significantly more complex. If you can maintain a good R with your S, then stuff with kids is easier - I can't imagine fighting about time with kids from a distance.