Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC affairs vs Average Affairs

Hi Scottymack - sorry you have to be here. My daughter (25) told me that my MLC-WAW had introduced her to him - obvious affair down. I simply replied that she had been seeing him for quite some time. The math indicated a period of time before we separated.

This knowledge has really bothered my daughter, and I wish I had never let it slip. I would not suggest informing your children of this matter. They are under enough stress. Just my opinion.

I first wanted to state that it is more of an issue of low morals, but that is not quite it.
Education is irrelevant though. Perhaps educated people are more confident and well-adjusted, perhaps not. I've known messed up scholars and confident, well-adjusted laborers...and vice versa.
An OW/OM may profess high morals. They may be regular church goers, deacons...ministers. Thier weakness is a lack of principles (if I'm thinking of that word correctly). They are willing to sacrifice their morals, or justify their actions...they are the exception, but they may still condemn others for the same behaviour.

The OM/OW is 'down' in their view of Self. They seek self-worth through external sources. They seek to control--electronic cell phone leashes. They lack trust in themselves and the affair partner--and why should they trust the partner since he is known to be cheating? They are desperate and thus willing to sacrifice what they know is right. They are selfish--as those with low self-worth are. It is their view of Self that causes them to act as they are.

OWs and OMs are not bad people. Many of our MLCers are also OWs or OMs since sometimes both affair partners are married.


I would like to comment on this, but please understand, it is not my intention to make a judgement about Bill and Deb's relationship. That would be inappropriate. I wish them luck, though my choices may have differed.

But I want to point out that reconnection may begin prematurely with touch and goes or tests. During these initial attempts the person may be trying to end the affair or doing no such thing. They want to test the LBS, will she forgive, does she want him back, but they are not ready or willing to risk giving up the affair--why should they since their spouse may turn them down (so they may rationalize). Perhaps if they were certain the LBS wold accept them back, they would make an honourable attempt to end the affair. But even then, the affair withdrawal is immense and it may take multiple attempts before it is completely over.

I cannot say whether Deb's MLCer would have made attempts later had she been Standing and thus I am not saying she should have Stood. I simply want to point out that reconciliation may begin with failed reconnections--and yes failed because he didn't mean it...YET, or because he did it mean it but was unable to resist withdrawal and continuing OW advances.

I just don't want people to expect that he means it when and MLCer first tried (or 2nd, 3rd...) to come home.

I asked my counselro this same question.
The brief answer
He rescued you the day he said I do.
What the brief answer means
If the LBS is needy now after many years of marriage, he clearly failed in his rescue attempts, thus he has found an new person in need of rescuing and has not yet failed with her--fresh start.
Also, MLCers lack self--confidence, esteem, worth... They seek such things externally--being needed feeds their own need, but it is false and will crash someday. They seek refuge in the LBS--rescuing. Sure, not all--there are those who Dropout or for whom the dynamics are different. But many seek reassurance, safety, security...refuge in the comfort of Home/LBS.
Neediness is weakness. The LBS needs to be strong. The MLCer is already weak, another weak person will drag him further down--and he's already got the OW doing that.

So if they seek refuge in the LBS, why are they gone or do they keep leaving.?
Ah, the impossible question. There may be several reasons--varying with individuals.
Guilt
Unworthy of LBS--the martyr
They recongize their present unreadiness and do not want to ruin it for when they are ready...
Other thoughts...?

Um, she seems a clear affair down to me--needy shows desperation and low esteem.

Sweetheart and I were talking the other day. He was asking things like why wasn't I bothered when...
I said it was because the OW doesn't matter to me. she is unimpoartant.

He said that it's not nice to say that about someone because we are all important.

I agreed and explained that she is important as a person, she is important in her own life and for her Self. But in my life I am important and to give her importance would not have been healthy.

This is not about the OW.
What we do is about US.
Let your spouse do what he will--let go.
Live your own life and embrace joy--if you do that you will be successful. If you are doing that, youa re successful!

HUGS,
RCR

Kissak,

This is a comparison of you and the OW. How she matches up against you.
The statements show what she does, implying that these are things you can not or do not do.
Some are based on false notions of what makes a relationship work--argue and be over it 5 min later.
Some are vague and indicative of In-Fatuation--it was an instant connection.

What purpose do these serve?
Well, it seems that right now they serve to keep you attached. A newbie hearing these tried to bargain

• if I can somehow limit an argument to 5 minutes
• vowing to become more organized
• Doing things together or taking up his interests so you have things in common
• I'll take classes or begin working out or...--better myself

But all of those bargains are based on a motivation to change how he views you rather than actually change you. They are for and about HIM, not YOU. And that is some WAHs like it. He keeps himself at the center of your world.

SIGH...this has been said so much onn these board, but here I go again.
She does not and cannot make him happy. Neither can you. The only person who can make him happy is him. NO one can make you happy but YOU; no one can make me happy but me.
We are all responsible for our own happiness, for our own emotions.
And happiness is a choice...you can choose to be happy. Make a Happy Day. Choose a Happy Day

In-Fatuation is about hormones from the thrill of excitement and or newness. In-Fatuation is also how many true loves begin--in our culture it is how we think all romantic love begins. It has to burn down, then it may burn out. Real Love (Eros infused with Agape) does not burn out.

Standard In-Fatuation.
Forget the MLC Script (I think he's too young), this is In-Fatuation Script.

Um...yeah. Let's look at that some more... This is a place where the two of you are a lot alike. You husband and you are both VERY attached to each other. You seek validation from each other to prove your worth. Validating your spouse is a nice thing, but each person needs to be able to validate their own Self first. You both cling to each other.
You are right now afrain that No contact is not a good thing because it will push him closer to the OW.
Let's forget your husband and marriage for a moment. You...YOU KISSAK...need No Contact so that you cna learn to validate your Self, so you can learn that you are valuable, you can become strong, you are worthy, you can survive without him...
I know that I can survive without Sweetheart. That doesn't mean I have to be without him though. A strong marriage requires two strong individuals.
This isn't about your husband.
This isn't about the OW.
It is about YOU and no one else.
He has come and left more times 8X?!!! Some will interpret these returns as a sign that he remains uncertain that leaving was the right choice and that he does love you--though he is confused.
Well, confused, yes. But why is he uncertain?
He cannot be alone. He needs another person, a partner, to validate his worth. He could be one of those chronic maryer/dater who is never without a relationship. He can't handle being without a relationship.

I don't think he is MLC.
I don't know what he is.
Was he a chronic cheater before...?
I'm not predicting he was, I'm trying to think of some motivations or triggers for a sudden cheating.

MLC is about low self-esteem. Your husband also has low self-esteem, that doesn't mean he's MLC--low esteem can cover all ages!

But he wasn't getting something at home. And this does NOT mean it was your fault...the you weren't meeting his needs fears.
What really are needs? There are some valid needs, But I'm talking more about needy rather than need. I need Sweetheart to help with the bills (if we don't want to go bankrupt). I do not need him to validate me. I want him to validate me, that is always nice, but my worth is not dependent on it. You husband's worth is dependent on such things and they aren't things other people are meant to provide--he is meant to provide for those needs!

I see the same in you though. You are each playing the part. He is the guilty husband. The nice guy--you've called him that. The martyr. He feels unworthy. And you are the long-suffering wife.
You feed off of each other and thus keep the cycle going.

STOP THE INSANITY!

Hey, maybe No Contact will help your marriage eventually.
So what. I hope that it does, but you NEED it to help you. You NEED it so you can stop the cycle.

Neither do I. Sweetheart did the same thing with me. But he did it within the first weeks after Bomb when I when the pain was the most raw. And it wasn't meant to hurt. He was so confused why it was inappropriate. I was his best friend and he wanted to share with me. Sometimes h e said things in spite and anger, but at toher times he simply wanted me as his best friend. He was so scared the OW might not have the same feelings (she'd been manipulating him without his knowledge for MONTHS before the Bomb). He cried on my shoulder from his fear. I thought I was in the Twilight Zone.

But fighting for him isn't the answer. To show him you are fighting for him may also show how you are desperate and willing to do anything for him--rather than for your Self. Taking him back when neither you nor he was ready was not honouring your Self.

Um, yeah, what Angelica said!

Kissak,

The most important thing for you to do is to work on yourself. I'm not asking you to forget about your husband and marriage, that would be absurd and impossible. But ironically you do seem to have forgotten about your Self, replacing it with your husband and marriage.
So what are you going to do to focus on YOU?

HUGS,
RCR

There is something to be said for this need to be fought over.

I remember about 2 years ago, when my H was drowning in replay behavior, there was this one moment in our kitchen when he happened to come over one evening (he came by frequently). We had been hugging (I cannot recall why) and he pulled away and looked at me and said, "I don't want you to think you can't win." I didn't even realize what he meant until the moment had passed, but later it struck me that he thought this was some kind of competition between me and ow, with him as the prize.

I suppose the explanation is that he needed to feel two women were fighting for him in order to feel a boost to his depressed ego. But to be clear, I did not "fight" the ow for my husband. I never once came face to face with her and don't even know her.

That is a great story. Sorry, but I am not familiar with your sitch. What happened between you and your H?

I love your signature!

i have one question.

my h- story i think he had a one nighter.
left no ow - 4 weeks later meets ow and bamb...

is that a different "affair" does it even fit all of this?

cag,

Anything is possible.

JMC,
We are legally separated. My H started this crisis in the spring of 2005. He's gone through stages and isn't in replay anymore, but he's very angry at himself for what he did and suffers from depression. He has said we cannot reconcile because he ruined too much between us.

Thanks for your reply. I apologize for borrowing the thread. I am afraid my WAW may also belive the damage is beyond repair. Good luck to you!

Thank you RCR....I am really beginning to see things alittle better now, thanks to all of you. I do need to focus on me. I really sound pathetic to myself when I reread my posts sometimes though. But basically they are the thoughts in my head. There just there. I dont know what to do with them other than come here to work through them.

I dont think my H was a chronic cheater before. Just maybe a couple one night 'quickies'. Or that is what he told me. He will not admit and denies the affair I was told about by his girlfriend.

MLC? Our MC told me that he couldnt quite put his finger on what was wrong with my H either. He said it could be a MLC, but wasnt sure. He said he does believe it has something to do with his childhood, being he remembers Nothing of it. But wasnt sure of that either.

I think deep down my H is a good guy who doesnt want to make the wrong decision. The first one he made was falling for someone else. I think he feels bad about it, but having to leave her, when he thinks he loves her. I know how bad it hurts. So, i know the pain in a way that he felt having to leave her. Im not making excuses for him, but I have tried to look at it from his point of view.

I am trying to focus more on me. I am.