Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis New year, new thread, new attitude!

I'm still feeling stuck, so in the spirit of DBing, I'm thinking of making some changes. Some ideas: mention retrouvaille, ask h out on a "date", start to flirt more, throw myself at him (OK, I'm only half-joking here). If it doesn't work, I'll make a note of it as a cheeseless tunnel and back out quickly!

Comments? 2X4s welcome.

NA....

Just be prepared for rejection so if it does happen you aren't crushed!

I bought the sexiest little nightie to surprise H for Christmas and he turned me down flat....even though I kinda expected it, I was still pretty devastated!

Haven't had the nightie out since....

BA

If he'll go Retrouvaille might be a really good thing. W and I went two years ago. I think it could have made a difference, but she was 'busy' with school, and had absolutely no interest in following up. She knew the problems were all me, so she didn't see the point. Hopefully your H would be different.

I think the date or flirting might be too pressuring for him. You can come over to my thread though.......

Actually, if he'll go, Retrouvaille would help you communicate better to get him to start to interact more with you.

But your husband is a ninny! Bring that nightie over to my thread......

I'll get the hottub going again, and everything. I'll even go find the chocolates!

Rejection is hard, no two ways around it. The art of subtle flirting comes in really handy. You can still be ignored, but I don't find it hurts as bad.

Did someone say hot tub?

Thanks all. I'm still pondering if I should try something, knowing that rejection is a strong possibility.

I was feeling very down about my sitch last night and this morning. I'm caught in a phase of just wishing things were different.

Jeff- You made a comment about h missing out on our almost-2 year old. This may sound like a defense of my h, but he spends a ton of time with the kids. He was home with d2 all day yesterday while I was at work and he just took the older 2 to swimming lessons. Since he moved out, he continues to spend a lot of time here, which I know is good, but it stops me from feeling like we're really separated. So, then I have expectations...

I made it through another weekend, lots of "family time."

I hate the feeling I get when H leaves at night to go to his place. He routinely stays here until midnight or later, hanging out, watching tv, snoozing on the couch. So, I've decided that from now on, I'm going to start going up to bed no later than 11. That way, we can still spend some time together, but I won't have to watch him leave and hopefully I will get more sleep (one of my goals).

I'm glad he's spending the time with the kids! I wonder if he also gets the feeling you are not seperated? Staying like that every night, it almost seems that way. It's a bit of a puzzler, I guess! Another MLC trait, I guess.

Hope you are having a good day!
((((new_attitude))))

na, I think that's what my H has in mind too, coming over every evening. When we discussed his not living here, he suggested that he come for dinner every night.

I said that I didn't think that would work for a very long time, because it would be sending a false message to the kids. It was not my intent in any way to use them as pawns or deprive them of time with their father - it's one thing, though, to have me wondering what it means that he spends so much time at the house and another to put the kids through that. After some sort of transition period, however long that would be - I think I would recognize the correct time when we arrived at it - I think I would set boundaries around the time.

I think it would get to that eventually as H gets busier in his 'new, improved' life. Having some sort of schedule in place would hopefully mean that the children would still see their father regularly and it's also a reasonable, logical consequence of choosing to remove oneself from the family home.

Anyway, I didn't say all this to my H, just the one sentence about the kids. I believe the realization that leaving would mean less time with his kids (duh!) is one factor in why he's still in the house.

This is what I feel muddled about- should I be drawing a boundary here? I don't think that I want to send him the message that he should be spending less time with us, but I somehow want to communicate that we are not really separated right now. If we were to really separate or move toward divorce (gulp!), it would be nothing like what we're doing now.

Since I'm the one who doesn't want to be separated, should I push for more time apart? That doesn't make sense to me. He moved out to get more space, and I'm trying to give him that, hoping that it is only a temporary arrangement and he'll be permanently back with us sometime soon.

This is all so hard for me to work through when I'm not supposed to be initiating any r talks. We have a JC appt next Thurs- should I bring this up there?