Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE How many licks DOES it take?

I'm not so sure that the LD is the one seeking to be mind-read.

If you are the one pursuing... you are the one seeking an outcome. Therefore, you are the one projecting the fantasy onto reality. "What can I do, what can I do to get them to be where I want THEM to be... for me?"

The outcome, therefore, dresses the reality. You can't DO anything you might think would offend... if you were single, you'd just move on until you found someone who had the same outcome thoughts in mind.

But when you are dealing with another person, who has a different sense of reality... what then? Step on eggshells? Or Manipulate? Blame them for not being on the same page? For what you want is so simple, really... but so simple... for whom?

And so the person gives exactly what you ask... and then... it still does not meet up with the fantasy... because the fantasy... the expectation... was never shared to begin with. And even if you do share the fantasy... someone always has the right to say no... doesn't work for me.

Are they wrong for saying so? No.

But you are no more a reality for them, than they are to you... so it all gets lots in the wash.

See? Every encounter breeds expectation. You should know me, because the last time we had great sex, you did x, I did y... it worked.

It worked THAT time. Just like any ONS. It worked. To think it would work twice... leads you down a road LFL just recently traveled. It is FANTASY. Not some person on the other end, who has their how chit, their own agenda, their own... stuff.

So we continue to project upon the person who supplies us... and the more they supply, the more we need. The same thing. Just upped a dose or two. But if we don't have enough money... we have to convince them... or risk losing the fix.

Yet the ones to whom we look for a fix... seek their own fix as well. And we continue to look to each other to supply a fix that has gotten so diluted... conjugated... projectified... we think... well, dam it... did you think I'd go the rest of my life without? Step up. Dam it.

It doesn't work that way. We are ALL people. We aren't suppliers. We all get tired of supplying... yet... that is all it seems we seek from each other. Supply me.

And when the supply runs out... the high gets as much dopamine from the system as it can... what happens? The system crashes. Unless someone says... no. I no longer seek a fix from you.

Now the supplier has a problem, as well as the one who seeks a fix. See how it goes?

(Corri) Now the supplier has a problem, as well as the one who seeks a fix. See how it goes?

So the answer is differentiation and perspective control.

What's the alternative?

Reality. What is the reality of your spouse. Do you know them? As they are... not as you want them to be, or wished they'd be? Do you really know your spouse? As they really are?

I dunno. I'm not criticizing. I just remember. I know what I've done since being out of my M. It's hard to catch.

I agree that it's important to try to see others as who they are, rather than who we'd like them to be or expect them to be. However...

Do you really know your spouse? As they really are?

It's just as important to realize that we never know others as they really are. Even knowing ourselves is a constant process of discovery.

On a different but related note, I asked what's the alternative to differentiation and perspective control and your responded with "reality." How are differentiation and perspective control different from reality?

LFL? It's a sure sign of cr*ppy sex if you have to stop and ask someone if they like something. It's a sure sign of good sex if you can say with confidence "I know what you like, baby, and I'm gonna give it to you." Anyways, expecting somebody to be a mind-reader is always a losing bet.

I know what you like only last a few times for some people

If the OP is so focused to what they don't like, and they don't like a lot of things, then the game is almost surely lost.

And if the OP really doesn't like sex, or can do nicely w/o sex, then me doing almost everything right, still won't get the OP interested to the point of liking sex. They might play along out of obligation or fear of losing some other supply, the HD person furnishes.

Corri, i like the supply idea.

In BB's case, her supply is partly furnished by her dogs. As long as I supply what ever to the dogs, I have valuable to her to that degree. I have value to BB to other degrees for other things too.

I know if I said no dogs, our R would be over. I know if I said no to dogs, BB would be crushed.

Back to good or crappy sex. For me, good sex is any sex half close to what I like.

Now the supplier has a problem, as well as the one who seeks a fix.
Yes, it happens that way. Two people out of what they want.

Lou

I dunno. Have you actually done it, or do you just talk about it? Ask Fran.

Ask LFL.

You THINK you know, and then you don't do it. You say... what will it get me? You conjecture... and you talk yourself out of it, all the while, saying, you know your spouse. I know them. it won't get me anywhere.

You're just worried about what it will get you. Thing is... it isn't about getting you anywhere. That's when you might GET somewhere.

That's the point.

I know, I know. It's NEVER about you. Ever. At least, not in your mind. And that is precisely the point.

You've lost me.

I asked a question. You answered it. I asked how your answer relates to the question. You said you dunno. It seems difficult to have a dialog if you seemingly answer a question but can't tell me how your answer and the question are related. If you want to say mu, just say mu.

What is "it", that you're asking me if I've actually done or if I just talk about "it"?


I know, I know. It's NEVER about you. Ever. At least, not in your mind.

I'm not convinced you have a firm grasp on what's in my mind.

I know what I've done since being out of my M.
This, I understand.

It's hard to catch.
This, I am totally lost here.

Supplier, I understand that concept.

One supplier (the H or the W) vs dating, I understand the difference and the different rules of the supplier and user.

Do you really know your spouse? I am finding out i don't know enough and when I think I know my spouse, what I see can change.

See you tomorrow.

Lou

Corri, you are being WAY too cryptic for me, too. On this thread and LFL's, too? Can you just come out and say what you're getting at? Is there some problem with being explicit?