I've been here for about a month and a half now. My H left early Nov. I was 6 weeks pregnant, he walked out on me, ILYBNILWY, moved in with OW the same day he left me. He had only known her 3 weeks. I'm not a great one with the advice because I have a hard time most of the time DB'ing. However, I can tell you this: it usually takes a lot longer than you hope it is going to take. I thought the A would be over by now. But, it's not. It doesn't even have a hint of being over. You are going to go through quite a bit. One thing I can tell you is not to get discouraged. It may feel like you are never going to feel better. But, there are days here and there for me, now, where I feel okay. Those days still tend to scare me a bit, but I'm getting better at trying to make more of those days for myself. Read other threads, read the threads in piecing and in MLC, there are good things in there, too. And, some really encouraging ones.
Good luck with your therapist. Mine gave me some techniques on how to deal with the obsessing and control issues. Make sure you tell them that you want homework. That really helped me and it also helped to write in a journal.
Good luck. I'll check in on you.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
Detaching and GALling isn't easy. Its taken me 15 months of hell to reach a point of fuzzy understanding.
I'll give you an example of the mental gymnastics that I still go through. My W and 2 daughters are returning from vacations tomorrow, and I've had anxious moments thinking...Will she smile? Will she growl? Should I hug her? Should I just be polite and focus on the girls? Should I leave a rose by her bedside, like I've always done or will that be too much pressure (I left a white flower, but have decided that's too wimpy and vague...it should either be a rose of love or nothing...I'm going to finish this email and remove the flower). In the past this thinking would have reduced me to a daze with my mushy brain sloshing around in my head. I'm now consciously making an effort to stop these feelings and just let go. Focus on the now, focus on my girls and put my W into softfocus in the background. It takes a huge effort to put our WASs into the background. But we need to force this change in behaviour until it starts becoming automatic. I will not let my WAW control me and affect me. Karen you to need to focus on freeing yourself. Its hard, but time and discipline will get you there.
Be the best woman you can, and your H will come back to you. If he doesn't then you will be so strong that you will feel sorry for his loss, shrug your shoulders and continue living.
Well, again the husband and I had a good weekend together. We get along pretty well, and spend a lot of our time laughing together, except for the few occasional minutes when we accidentally talk about divorce or the OW which I do try not to do. He did tell me this weekend he doesn't understand why I don't just "move on" with my life. Later on, when the kids weren't around, I said (I know this is anti-DB, but he brought it up, I told him, well b/c I said if you must know, I think at some point maybe you will realize there is a value to having a woman who has loved you for 22 years and not the fake you (which I didn't explain b/c he knows what I mean but because he is always one who goes around faking he is this wonderful guy and the OW probably knows just the best of him and about 10% of what he is really like at this point after 5 weeks of knowing him well) and I know all his flaws and warts after living with him after 22 years and I still love him and someday he might appreciate that." He didn't say anything to that.
The pastor at church Sunday talked about living a moral life, which he included not cheating on your wife as an example. I asked H about the sermon and he said he thought it was great, he's going to not cheat on his 2nd wife! My H moved from our bedroom to a bedroom upstairs last night so I will start get used to being separated or something, we have been in the same room for 22 years so I got hardly any sleep last night. I hope it was the same for him but I doubt it, he probably emailed his girlfriend all night! I just pray every night they will break up soon because I think that is the only hope for our marriage...I finished reading my copy of Divorce Busting Friday, and ordered Divorce Remedy today from Amazon, so hopefully it won't take too long to come in and am looking forward to that.
My H moved himself to the couch even before I knew about the A (he had started off with the ILYBNILWY stuff before confessing the A). It was hard to sleep without him, and even to this day, I will lay in bed, thinking of him downstairs. Its hard to feel so distant from your spouse.
You are doing great. Do not stop DB'ing. If anything it is creating peace in your house and allowing you to communicate with H. I would ignore all his D comments (the 2nd wife thing was sooo rude!) and just change the subject. DB'ing is for you too. It starts off feeling 'fake' and like work, but then your married self will start feeling more independent and stronger, and then it'll be easier to DB because you are more at peace with yourself.
PS: I have learned from this site, that in some states, it can be considered 'separated' when you reside in the same house, but in different rooms. That a manditory separation (prior to granting a divorce) can be 'backdated' to the time where the spouses sleep apart. I have NO idea if this is the case, but have heard about this. Might want to check into it. Obviously there isn't much you can do since he choose to leave the room, but at least you would be informed.
A little patience hun. Divorce Remedy acknowledged that the the book Divorce busting gave people the impression that saving a marriage takes a few weeks. DR is more realistic. Some people have to DB for months, sometimes years.
Time is on your side. Right now he's in the "crazed" first stage of a new romance. It may wear off.
Waiting and hoping for him to end the affair will kill you. A watched pot never boils. It may take 6-18 mos for the affair to end. It may take 2 years.
Here are the statistics:
1. Most affairs end.
2. Most marriages that result from an affair end.
So...statistics are on your side.
You husband,however, may be in the minority and will ride off into the sunset with the OW. That may happen. How will you respond if that happens? Be crushed and destroyed, or rebound better than ever?
Right now your husband has no moral compass. Don't expect a sermon to make any dent in his armor.
You can't argue or guilt him into staying with you.
Here's how you increase your odds of succeeding:
1. Right now, don't initiate relationship talks.
2. Don't try to persuade him to stay in the marriage. Don't try to reason with him.
3. Don't persue him emotionally or physically. Don't follow him around the house. Give him space.
4. Having said that it's OK to set boundaries. No talking to OW, texting or emailing in front of you.
5. Get a Life. This a way to slowly restore your sanity. Start excercizing it will help reduce stress, make you feel better and make you look better. Take up some hobbies that consume your attention and help you focus (painting, sclupting, rock-climbing, martial arts). You want to enjoy things again. You want to increase your personal power and happiness.
6. Find a support group. They don't need to know about the affair. But you need people who are there for you. Friends, etc.
7. Find one or two friends you can trust, and have them as your confidents. Make sure they will support your decision to work on the marriage. Many well-meaning friends will tell your to seek a divorce. Be careful.
8. I think the key here is idea of eliminating the idea that you need your husband to be happy. What's causing him to run is the belief on both your parts that he is necessary for your happiness.
Thanks everyone for the great advice! I had a bad night last night and backslid and read your message Theoden and you nailed it for me. I did follow my H around last night and will try not to do that in future. I am definitely impatient and will try not to be. It sounds like Divorce Remedy will be a good read for me and am looking forward to that coming in the mail in a few days.
My H came in last night pretty late, almost 8, after being with the OW, my daughter was sad about it, and I tried not to say anything, but did. I am going to print your last post, Theoden, and read it daily, before H gets home so no matter what happens, I will try to stick to your advice. I do have a question. H will not stop emailing the OW in front of me, says he can email who he wants (although he knows it is painful for me), and he emails her each evening. Since he refuses to stop the behavior when I am there, should I then just walk out of the room without comment at that point or what do you recommend?
I have been trying to GAL: been exercising 5-6 days a week, lost 25 pounds so far (still would like to lose about 10 more though), I painted today, am going to try out for a part in a community play in 2 weeks which would be extremely time consuming (if I don't get it I plan to just volunteer to be a crew member which will still eat up a bunch of time)...will start therapy Thursday and assume that will be weekly too. So that is the one area I think I am doing pretty good, and I live in a really small town so that is about it in the way of things to do!!!
H will not stop emailing the OW in front of me, says he can email who he wants (although he knows it is painful for me), and he emails her each evening. Since he refuses to stop the behavior when I am there, should I then just walk out of the room without comment at that point or what do you recommend?
Right now your husband is being cruel, mean, selfish and a complete a$$hole. I suggest you ask him one more time.
Simply say, "I understand you feel you need to be in this relationship with OW right now. I'm not going to try to stop you. You are free to do as you wish. However, I would appreciate the courtesy, that you, simply as a gentleman, agree not to email her or call her in front of me. That not too much to ask, is it?"
The language in the above statement is key. Ask it exactly as I wrote it. The last phrase is a tie on, "Is it?" It's a sales technique that moves the listener foward to agreement. And...after you ask it, go silent. I mean SILENT. The first person who talks loses. Another sales technique.
You are in a war. Fight to win.
He may, however, refuse.
Is the email on a PC or a lap-top?
You can ask him to buy himself a lap-top, and be in another room when he does it.
If he's on the phone with her, you can ask him to go to another room.
If he flat out refuses...I'm not too sure. You can leave the room, or, perhaps, just stare him down. I don't think he would want you listening in on his love talk or looking at his emails. It's your house, too. If he won't leave the room, then, I think he shouldn't mind if you look over his shoulder when he emails or stay there and let him feel uncomfortable. Heck if he talks to her, I suggest you say hello to her in a loud voice.
You are not invisible. Divorce-busting doesn't mean you are a doormat.
Here's an idea....You might say to him, "Well, I see that you feel it's OK for you to email who you want to in front of me, including love notes to your girlfriend. Well, I suppose I can give your best friend a bl*w j*b in front of you, but I don't think you'd appreciate that, would you?"
Go silent...Then walk away.
There's wisdom and there's boundaries. It's one thing to have an affair, it's another thing to flaunt it in someone's face. I think he's trying to get you to file for divorce. Nasty bugger.
I have had such a great day today! I went to see my therapist for the first time and she is such a nice, sweet woman. I got the impression she thinks my H is an a**hole though. She says I was in a severe depression for the last 3 years and I shouldn't beat myself up for what I didn't do to save the marriage which is what I've been doing for the last 5 weeks since H started his affair (or at least told me about it). She did seem skeptical that H's affair with the married woman with kids is a very healthy relationship, which I guess is pretty obvious to everyone but H. She made me feel like I will be able to get strong and healthy with therapy and ADs which made me feel a lot better. She says the positive things I'm doing are really good, and I sound look a good mom. She was really sweet. I really liked her a lot. It's nice to have someone so positive in my life, since H has been so negative. I think she was really shocked and horrified by his emailing the OW in front of me. She didn't even seem like she could believe that one. Just said how rude that was! That was at the very end of the session, so I guess if he keeps doing that, we could talk about that more at a later date. I'm going to go see her every week and just try to get as strong and healthy as possible so I can get through this next year as best I can. I am so glad I went!!!
