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Not much to say other than I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with H. It was just the two of us. We went out Wednesday night and slept in on Thursday. It was great. We took our time and didn't eat until around 6:00. We fixed way too much but enjoyed each other's company doing it. After we finished eating he played his guitar for me. He did this Wednesday night before we went out too. He said "Since you tell me I never play for you, I brought my guitar along." I was thrilled. In the 8+ years we've been together I can count the number of times he's played for me on one hand. That's really sad considering how often he used to play. He wasn't playing much if at all when we met, but he always talked about how much he played and loved to play. I always tried to encourage him. He told me his interests changed and he just couldn't get back into it. After we S he started playing again because he didn't have much else to do. He's been playing a lot again. When he played for me yesterday it made me cry. He was concerned but I told him not to worry it was a good thing. I told him how talented he is and how glad that I was that he is playing again. It makes me so happy because I know it is something that makes him truly happy.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful but very nice. We watched a movie, ate some pie and just enjoyed each other's company.

I feel so blessed to have him back in my life and to give us a second chance. I am determined to be the person I should have been and I can see the changes in him too. I have realized you can change others, but only by first changing yourself. I truly believe Mahatma Ghandi's quote, "Be the change you want to see." It governs my life now.

Excellent news TB!!!

Keep this in perpsective right now. Both of you are running on hightened emotions. You are entering a honeymoon stage. You have many tools at your disposal to nuture and develop a kind, caring and loving M.

Take things slow, build on your successes! Be patient with your thoughts, your emotions and with your H.

Steve

I told myself that I would not get down after spending the past 4 days with H. It was heaven. We even had moments of normalcy, not just honeymoon - I sat and did homework while he watched TV or played his guitar. The last two weeks I've gotten myself down afterwards, and really so has he. It's such an emotional let down after spending so much good time together.

I've been busy and happy today. I told myself last night after he left that I would remain happy. Why did I need to be depressed? I'm a confident person that has made a lot of positive changes in my life. I am independent and can make my own joy and I do. He makes me happy too. But I'm also reassured that he loves me, he's not leaving me (emotionally again), we are both committed. The separation now is physical and we are working towards an end to that as well, but I'm not in a rush. I was the one that suggested we take our time and I intend on sticking to my guns. We both agree it is really for the best even though it is hard. We both want to make sure the changes we've made stick and that we are both going forward into a much healthier and happier relationship. I should get a good boost on Friday when I have my C appt.

So I've told myself that when I get home tonight I will not be down. I will not expect him to call me. If he does I will be happy and surprised and I won't get depressed afterwards. I have homework and work to do tonight. My house is a mess, but I can live with it for another couple weeks, then school is done so I won't stress about that. When school is done I can really focus on me. I will have time again. I am enjoying who I am today and I intend on keeping it that way.

I'm still tentative at times and I can sense that he is too. There is a ways to go before trust is fully restored. I am aware of my behavior and I think that is a good thing - it keeps me from slipping into old patterns. I will keep it up until the new behaviors form new habits.

I have my own thread going....Long and bumpy road, but lurk in others as I read all of them and really don't have any advice to give because I am barely keeping my head above water myself.

Yours caught my eye though when you said you had 4 good days with dh and now hes gone. I have the same thing sorta. We don't live together yet and it has been long and bumpy dealing with half truths and uncertainty.

We spent the past few days together and he went back home last night (same town). I get that sort of panicky feeling as well. What am I going to do withmyself now? I know things between us are not fixed and there is a long way to go, but when he is here I am so much more relaxed. I wonder if he is talking with OW or if he even wants to try when he is back home.

Anyway, I hope you feel good tonight when you get home. I am trying to keep busy myself. He has his kids tonight so I doubt I will see him much.

I've had a pretty good night. I had work to bring home and took care of that. While working on that H called. Yea! I said I wasn't expecting it and I wasn't. It was a nice surprise. I actually don't want to get into the habit of hearing from him every night we're not together. That will create a level of expectation for me that will set me up for disappointment if he doesn't call. I might mention that to him - basically don't call because you feel obligated, call because you want to. Last week on Tuesday when he called he said it was because he wanted to hear my voice, not because he had to, so maybe he doesn't feel obligated, but I want to make sure.

Now I am going to relax and enjoy a little time doing nothing since the rest of my week is going to be crazy.

His company Christmas party is coming up - I don't know when exactly, but I know the local event they are going to. We did it last year and it was a lot of fun. I asked him if his company was doing that again this year. That was it. He dropped it. I didn't ask when exactly (there are several dates for this event), if he was going or if I was invited. I somehow think he will go and not invite me, which I really can't blame him for. I did go into his office a couple months ago and demand his keys. He probably is not ready for me to be in front of his co-workers until we are more secure. I don't blame him, but I'm still kind of sad all the same. I would like to go and it would be fun. But it is up to him if he is going and if he wants to invite me. I will be disappointed, but I WILL NOT let him know that. I will only hope that he has a good time.

I will be glad when school is done and I can get out and do some things too so I don't feel like I am left at home. Now I feel that I am so tied up in responsibility and it's killing me. I definitely know that H's opinion about me taking a semester off is right on. I need the time and we need the time without the pressure.

Baby steps. We are doing great. We are going slow. I'm more in love with him every day, even more than before. I think it's mutual. I am committed to my new self. I am committed to contribute to his happiness and will do whatever is in my power to make sure that he is happy. I will support him in his changes and efforts. I will support and validate him in any way possible. I will NOT be overbearing, which sometimes I am without trying. I've got a strong personality, but fortunately so does he. I will strive to be the person I want to be until those changes are habit and just a natural part of me. I think I am doing good so far, but I want to continue.

I keep trying to think of nice things to do for him - my love language is gifts. It isn't his, but all the same. One of his LLs is touch. I'm not a real touchy-feely person but I've been generous with both giving and receiving of hugs and holding hands. Guess what, I like it. It makes me feel really close to him and I know it makes him happy. Hmmm. It looks like I've been babbling. I guess that's okay.

TB - Congratulations on your progress, you have come a long way in a very short time. Many of us on the boards would give anything to be in your position.

My W and I have been separated since 9/29/07. We have had a lot of ups and downs and I am really not sure where our R is heading. Just got back from a 4 day weekend with our child. It went great... slept in the same bed but no sex. Never thought that would happen.

A little advice...

My w and I separated for a week in May 07. I came home too quickly and the honeymoon phase started. Yes, it was great, but unfortunately it only lasted 2 months and we did not address our issues. 1 month later we hit the rocks and separated.

Go slow.

Thanks fish. Taking it slow is key. I'm pretty impatient, but through this whole process I've been learning patience. Everything I've read, here on the forums and in books say to go slow in reconciliation because you don't want to fall into the old patterns. I have told myself repeatedly that I do NOT want to repeat the last few months of my life ever again and I think H would second that. So, as you probably noticed in my posts I do lots of self coaching. I tell myself I have to go slow. It is what I want, but I slip. I tell myself that I am confident and create my own happiness. Again, true, but reminding myself helps. And, most importantly, I tell myself that I am proud of my changes and I am proud of the changes in H. I will never take him for granted again. I will share my emotions instead of letting them come out sideways and I will respect his feelings. If I keep coaching myself on these things I am constantly reminded of the progress I am making and why. I am reminded of what I don't want to repeat. Eventually I won't have to coach myself and it will be natural, but I'm not setting that aside yet. I'm not foolish. I know if I quit my coaching I would slip into my old patterns and so would he - not a good thing. As H just said recently "We need to go slow because I'm not strong enough to fight falling into our old patterns and I don't think you are either." He is completely right. I know this. It doesn't mean that separation isn't difficult - it is. But I know that we are each continuing to work on ourselves and absence does make the heart grow fonder, especially if you know the absence isn't permanent.

I'm working very hard at being in a good place and I think I'm almost there. I have a C session on Friday and they almost always give me a boost.

I was pleasantly surprised by H last night. I called him as we have been talking every night that we aren't together. Usually for about a half an hour. He hadn't called me and I wanted to get started on my homework, so I called him. We chatted, nothing special. I told him I miss him. We said I love you. We hung up. I was feeling a bit down, but went about tackling my homework.

About an hour after we hung up the phone rang. I thought maybe it was my mom as I hadn't talked with her in awhile. It was H again. I was genuinely surprised. He asked if he could come over. He had a crappy day, missed me, and wanted to be with me. I told him gladly. He sounded really down. When he got to our house he gave me several really big hugs. He said he had a bad day (which I knew because we talked about it on the phone) and that he worked out which usually makes him feel better. It didn't and he wanted a hug from me. Awwww.

It was a pleasant surprise. It was unanticipated and completely unexpected, but I'll take it.

Torchbearer,

I was hoping to get some advice from you. My situation is much the same, as is what your H is saying is what my W is now saying and how you feel a few weeks ago seems to echo me right now. I never saw it coming, W walked and that was in June. After a heated argument in Sept, she filed. Last Monday we had our temporary hearing. She came out horrible in court, and basically gets nothing from me, except a small amount of child support.

Well the Sunday prior to the hearing she asked me to her place to discuss terms. I was all business. As I started talking on the first point she just broke down, started crying. Said she wants to come home, she had an affair, goes on and on for hours. That night she tells her sister (also her bff) that we are going to work it out, and gets the reply, do you know how much mom has spent on attorney's fees for this? She gets nerveous and says she needs to think.

Next day I show at the hearing and expect her to dismiss the case. She meets me there with her sister and they say hi, and she gives me the look like it's all taken care of. Well apparently not, she goes through with it and the whole time is trying to not cry. Then she waits for me after in the lobby of the courthouse. She tries to talk but can't. She calls later on her way home and says nothing. Finally that night she calls again and says her sister and mother pushed it and she feels horrible because she has trumped up lies about me to them so not to make her affair look so bad and now she has lost her H.

Well she has called every day this week, talks to me with some chit chat. Then she will say something like I wish I could come home but I can't. Or she is such a horrible person she doesn't deserve someone like me. Then last night she asked if she could read His Needs, Her Needs. This morning she invited me in to her apartment. There has been hugging and little kisses, but that is all, even some foot rubs. We haven't even been talking at our S's drop off's and pick up's for a couple of months.

I'd do anything to have her home and my family intact. However, I'm scared to death to do anything. She has crushed me so bad and I'm finally to a stable place. She keeps yo-yo'ing now, saying things, like she thinks she is sending me mixed signals, etc.

What would you suggest I do? I don't want to push, but we are now on a timeline with our divorce and it will happen if she doesn't dismiss.

I don't know that I can give advice, but I can give you my observations and opinion. It sounds like your W is succumbing to a lot of family pressure. It sounds like she is willing to work on M/R and reconcile with you, but that she has some issues of her own to work out yet. I take it she is close with her family? Has she felt pressured by them in the past?

I think that under the circumstances I would take advantage of a private moment with her and let her know that you understand the pressures she is feeling. Tell her that you feel she still needs to sort out her priorities (family or M) and that you are more than willing to work on your M with her, but she needs to be committed. At the same time let her know that you understand how difficult her situation is. Let her know that you understand how important her family is to her. If her sister or mom is guilting her about the money for the D proceedings, talk with her about it and maybe come up with a plan that you both pay her mom back over time. Shows her that you're willing to work on M and that you respect her and her family. Validate, validate, validate.

Trust is a tough thing and it will make it next to impossible to gain back if you think that the next time her mom or sister interfere that she won't be strong enough to stand up to them. If she in her heart wants to come back and work on things she needs to stand up and say so. Being wishy-washy doesn't help the situation. Unfortunately if you tell her that she needs to stand up to her family she will most likely get defensive. Be careful and tactful on how you word what you say. Tell her that you support her and encourage her to be strong. Let her know that she needs to look inside herself without the help of others and make up her mind on her own what she wants out of life. If it is to come back and work on your M great. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you believe in and go against outside pressures. I would also stress that you both need to go slow, rediscover what you love about each other, date. Ask her on a date where she truly has the option to say no. If she accepts act like you did when you were dating. Dress to impress, wear a little cologne if so inclined, pick her up at her place, treat her like a lady, pay for everything. Don't expect a kiss good night unless she initiates it. If you both had a good time risk it and ask her if she'd like to go out again. The key is really to show her that she has the option to decline. It gives her control. It is frustrating being in limbo, but at the same time the dating can be kind of fun.

Don't talk about her moving home unless she brings it up first. And even then I would tell her that you think you should wait . . . until more trust is established, until you are both sure that this is definitely the right thing to do, that you both still need some time to work on things, that moving back too quickly would make it too easy to fall back into your old patterns. It is hard, but I believe it will be worth the wait - that's where I am right now.

Encourage her, validate her, tell her you have faith in her decisions, let her feel in control (something her family isn't giving her), praise her for her courage and her strength. Do not use guilt or blame. Do not put her in a position where she feels she needs to get defensive.

Okay, that ended up sounding like advice. Oh well. Good luck and keep me posted on what's up. Where's your thread?

P.S. That was really good for me. It put some perspective out there for my sitch too.