Yes, he is! And I'm very lucky to have him too. Good to hear about the extra touching from your wife. You may only be getting the tip of the iceberg. She's thinking about alot more than just what she's been showing you. My H knew very little of what I was doing behind the scenes. I have no idea why I didn't tell him; probably some stupid reason that made sense at the time. Stay hopeful! MPT
Jen, From what you've posted, your drive isn't gone. It's still there. Buried and out of practice maybe, but there. Good news!
Since you're feeling this enthusiastic, don't limit yourself to when he initiates or to some goal you've set. Use your excitement to go for sex as often as possible. The week before I had the BIG TALK with my h, I went for every other night, my initiation. He was feeling veeeeerrry goood!
If both you and he are aroused by what you saw at some porn sites, why not use it together to stimulate your sex life? No more sneaking for either of you. Tell him you were a little curious and were surprised at your own reaction.
Quote: BUT BEFORE I START ASKING HIM I KIND OF WANT TO JUST GIVE TO HIM FOR A WHILE. DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA? OR SHOULD WE HAVE A "TALK".
I'd stick to just the sex for awhile. See if his behavior toward you improves as a result. Maybe some of the stuff you're angry with him about will just go away. If it doesn't, then you can have the talk.
If he is nasty toward you, you could point out to him very simply that it is rather difficult to want sex with someone who treats you unkindly. Then don't stick around for an argument; just leave him to cool off and think about what you said.
In one of our few discussions about our sex life, I said something which seemed to add a new dimension to my h's thinking on the issue. It was something like this, "You know, I'm the one who lost my sex drive. At least you don't feel all old and dried up inside." I think it dawned on him that there was more to the issue than just his needs not being met. He became quiet and the look on his face was quite thoughtful. He was kinder and more sympathetic afterward, although I would say he was rarely really unkind before. But there was a definite change.
THANKS! WE TALKED YESTERDAY. I TOLD HIM I AM GOING TO WORK ON OUR SEX LIFE AND WITHOUT GOING INTO TO MUCH DETAIL WITH HIM I TOLD HIM I WANTED US BOTH TO WORK ON MEETING EACHOTHERS NEEDS. HE AGREED. AND WE AGREED WE WOULD TALK ABOUT OUR NEEDS ON WED. ALSO TOLD HIM ABOUT THE PORNO. HE GOT A LITTLE UPSET AND IRRITATED FIRST, THEN WHEN I EXPLAINED HE UNDERSTOOD AND SAID "GOOD". HE ALSO SHARED A LITTLE ABOUT THE HURT AND PAIN ASSOCIATED WITH REJECTION. BIG DIFFERENCE FROM ONLY ANGER.
HE WAS VERY KIND TO ME YESTERDAY AND SMILED MORE AND INITIATED LAST NIGHT. I WAS REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD. NIGHT TIME IS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR ME, LOW ENERGY. I LIKE MORNINGS. BUT I WENT AHEAD AND ONCE WE STARTED I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF. AFTERWARD HE PLAYED WITH MY HAIR, RUBBED MY HEAD AND CHATTED WITH ME FOR 20 MINUTES. IT WAS SO NICE! WE FELT CONNECTED.
WE USUALLY WATCH TV AT DINNER. WE DECIDED TO EAT DINNER AT THE TABLE THIS WEEK. NO TV. TALKING INSTEAD. I HOPE THIS HELPS.
HE ONLY GO TO PG. 7 IN SSM. BUT MENTIONED HE WOULD MAKE TIME TO READ IT THIS WEEK.
BIG IMPROVMENTS.
THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT. I HELPS SO MUCH TO KNOW I'M NOT ALONE IN THIS.
So is that some global warming going on in your household? Congratulations! I hope things continue along those lines. Don't get discouraged if you have some setbacks every now and then. Everything in life is like that.
Things are going great with us! Thanks for asking.
As a man on the other side of a SSM, maybe what I'm going through and my feelings about it may help. My M isn't in the greatest shape right now but I resolved to at least always communicate my feelings to my W. Everything I want that I'm not getting can pretty much be explained by one of two things: 1. She doesn't understand or 2. She doesn't care. I can at least try to eliminate #1.
You mentioned that your H is crabby and insensitive, even shortly after sex. I have found that being sex starved makes me into a complete jerk. I have come to realize that most of the time I'm not even aware of why I'm being a jerk. It seeps out unconsciously. Other times I am aware of why I'm upset but am only marginally successful in stopping the jerk behavior.
My W has thought that once or twice a month was plenty. For me, I'd rather have zero sex than only just once or twice a month. Once or twice a month is only often enough to remind me how good life COULD be. It's like a tease of the good life. If it just never happened at all I'd just accept that it wasn't going to happen and never get my hopes up. Having sex once a month means 29 other nights of hope then rejection. Rejection to the point I rarely even try anymore.
You said that your H withdraws even more the next day or so after sex. Perhaps your H feels this way: About half an hour after sex I get in the worst mood possible because I start wondering how long I'll have to go without sex again. I just used up my monthly quota. I also get really confused - since the W seemed to really enjoy it why does she only want it once a month? Maybe she only pretended to like it? Maybe I'm not attractive to her? What is the deal?
Perhaps you should try this after sex: 1. Tell him how good he made you feel 2. Tell him that maybe you'll want to do it again tomorrow 3. Actually initiate it again tomorrow. If he feels like there isn't a quota that he just used up hopefully he'll be in a better mood and be better towards you. It might be worth a try.
My W has tried to convince me there is something wrong with me for wanting sex so much. Maybe she's right but who knows. Here's how I feel about sex and maybe your H feels the same. Without sex I do not feel loved. I can hear a million times "I love you"; or get my favorite meal, or come home to an immaculate house and it means very little when I am sex starved. There is a physical urge that makes me want sex just about every day. I'm not saying I have to have it every day to feel loved. But the physical desire is there every day. More than a few days without sex makes me very irritable. Taking care of my own needs helps reduce the feelings of hurt temporarily and at least takes my mind off of it for a few hours or maybe the rest of the night. But that is only a temporary relief and the feelings of rejection and ultimately anger and resentment return. The longer its been, or the longer I think its going to be until next time, the stronger my hurt feelings.
You said "When we do have sex. (we did last week", which makes me think of getting reminded by my W that we had sex "just last week". The feelings I get when I hear that from her are, "So I felt like you loved me one day last week. What about the other six days? What about this week?" "Just last week" is like an insult when you have desire every day.
Sorry for such a long post. Maybe your H feels like I do with my W: 1. You don't understand or 2. You just don't care. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care. So perhaps you can have a better R by gaining understanding.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Fred - great job summing up my feelings! It's been so long that I had felt this way and never really knew why...until this whole SSM thing came along. And now that I'm slowly getting my W onboard, it's amazing how everything has changed so much for the better.
This thing about "we just did it last week" reminds me of that scene from Annie Hall where Annie complains to her therapist that their sex life is fine they make love "two or three times a week". Meanwhile, Alvy is telling his therapist that they never make love "only like two or three times a week." That sounds so familiar.
My W didn't like chapter 1 of SSM, thought it was blameful and hurtful. I don't think it was until I put it into my own words, something along the lines of "I love you so much...I'd make love with you every day if I could" (which is true) that we started to make progress.
I too gave my W chapter 1. She agreed that it was telling our story. Despite me pushing very hard, she still won't read the book though. She has increased the frequency, however. There was no discussion. She just started initiating. I'm hopefull that we have made real progress but my suspician is its only a temporary change so I'll shut up about her reading the book.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
why is it I feel like I relate to the men on this thread rather than the women???
I hear the "just last week" " I hugged you twice today" etc...I fall into the same "jerk" category though I state it as bitchy...and long before ssm came out I told h of this...pointed out to him the difference...and now I am stuck with...h either doesn't get it or h just doesn't care.
ugh!!! I think h get's it...he just doesn't "really" get it...it's so very frustrating.
I feel the need to share something; something I’m not proud of but which has been so helpful to me that I confess it here. I’m probably going to say this badly. Please forgive my stumbling. Just know that it comes from my heart. I go back and read some of my older posts and I hear a woman who is bitter and angry with her h. One who, in spite of efforts to the contrary, still was laying blame at his feet for our troubles. Frankly, those posts are embarrassing now.
Turnaround happened when I realized I had to give all that up. Hurt and frustration were blinding me. I realized something about myself that I found distasteful. I was wanting my h to feel some sense of contrition, to see his role in all this the way I saw it. I wanted him to change his ways because of a realization of how badly he had been treating me. I wanted him to feel bad about it. I took a long hard, painful look at myself and did some serious, heartfelt thinking about whether there was any real benefit or hope of long-term future change in trying to achieve this. Was this what I really did want? The answer was no.
I wanted our loving marriage back. I couldn’t feel so bad about what was happening in our relationship if I didn’t love him as much as I did. More than anything else I wanted him to know how much I loved him. I wanted to really know how he felt about me and if he had the same desires I did for our marriage. That’s where I started the conversation we had a few weeks ago. I was scared to death….foolishly, I might add. From there the conversation took its own course.
I am so much back in love with my husband, even more than when we first married. Sexual desire? Not a problem anymore; no extraordinary measures needed to have sex. It all comes as easily and naturally as I remember it from many years ago. We’re back to looking at each other through eyes which really see each other as that person we love. I no longer see him as the person my earlier deluded mind saw.
My husband is the same person he was before our conversation. His behavior isn’t that much different. But I see the love now, not so much because he made dramatic changes but because I changed the way I looked at him. There are selfish, uncaring people out there, but my spouse isn’t one of them. I have always seen him treating others with selflessness and sincere concern. Why would I think he wished to treat me any differently than the way he treated people whom he hadn’t pledged to live his life with? (Because I'm the slow kid in class. Okay, I admit it! Michelle was right. [That reference is to an earlier post. But I'm slow, so I don't know how to link posts.])
That conversation, in which we truly looked at each other again, has done more for me than a year of individual therapy, antidepressants, couples therapy (which btw left me thinking my h only married me because he didn’t think anyone else would come along!), or anything else I had tried. I had to reconnect myself with the profound love and care I had for my friend and lover of so many years. I had to see him as he really was rather than the image I had created of him.
I freely admit that I am a woman in love and my image of my husband is probably just as delusional now. But if so, I like this delusion so much better!
I don’t think it matters if you are the sex-starved spouse, or the emotional-support-starved spouse, or the I-need-someone-else-to-balance-the-checkbook-sometimes-starved spouse! It matters that you want to reconnect with your spouse in whatever way it takes.
In hindsight (which is 20-20, I know), all of this with my h had little to do with how much sex, how much emotional support, how much whatever. It had everything to do with how much I loved him and how much more I wanted to fully experience that love rather than hang onto my sense of being wronged. It was only then that I could really move forward and talk to my husband from the depths of my heart.
I’m not saying this very well. Nopkins and Michelle say it better and shorter in Corri’s Diving In post.
Time to unhook my water heater, and start taking cold showers again after reading your suggestions on this thread!!!
My W accomodated me in our M every way a man would want including sexually for 30 years to keep me happy, so I wouldn't D her because she knew how important it was to me! Even though she had a low sex drive. It was always "just hurry up and get it over with" when I wanted to lie next to her after, just holding her and talking to her, but she would rush and douche, and take a shower, like it was dirty!
If I didn't initiate, it could be weeks before we would have sex, then she would ask "you never touch me any more, whats wrong, do you have someone else?". Did I ever give up on her? NO! Did I love her? YES Did I cherish her? Yes Did I do other things a good husband should do? YES Did I cheat on her? NO!
W finially decided it was time for her to fix her problem! She met some one that isn't interested in sex, and filed for D!
And I'm very lucky to have him too. Good to hear about the extra touching from your wife. You may only be getting the tip of the iceberg. She's thinking about alot more than just what she's been showing you. My H knew very little of what I was doing behind the scenes. I have no idea why I didn't tell him; probably some stupid reason that made sense at the time. Stay hopeful! MPT 
Congratulations! I hope things continue along those lines. Don't get discouraged if you have some setbacks every now and then. Everything in life is like that.
Michelle was right. [That reference is to an earlier post. But I'm slow, so I don't know how to link posts.])