About a month ago, my younger sister called me on the phone, sobbing like I had never heard her cry. (She and her long term boyfriend are in a sex starved relationship, except she is the High Drive, he is the Low.)
Once I was sure no one had died or had been seriously maimed or injured, she finally was able to verbalize to me the extraordinary sadness, frustrations, feelings, etc., that all of you High S partners feel. Because I had not found the SSM book yet, I was unable to offer her any real comfort. The very deep pain she was feeling pierced my heart.When I hung up the phone, I realized that were my H capable of expressing himself the way my sister had just done, that would be exactly what he would have said to me, and he would be heaving, sobbing as she had done. I felt so overwhelmed by the realization of what my H must be feeling, and the depth to which he must feel it.I even told him about the conversation and my realizations, but still, I had no clue how to fix us or my sister's relationship.
When the SSM book came along, I cried because I finally had the clarity I'd been seeking for so long. I won't repeat my postings from "Diving In" but I can tell you I've been hounding my sister every day since I discovered SSM to go get the book...and READ IT NOW.
I know it is much harder for the HS people to be patient with their LS partners...but instead of starting your Ws or Hs on Chapter 1, direct them to Chapter 5...tell them you understand now what they must be feeling/experiencing from your behaviors, and ask them to help you identify ways to apply Michele's principles to your particular behaviors.
Maybe once your spouse's see your willingness to change first (I know, it's hard), they will be more open to reading Chapter 1 on their own.
For me (the LS person), feeling like I have been understood by my H is the most intoxicating turn on/feeling I can have.
I'm the one who found the SSM book, I'm the one who raced home and screamed "Oh my God! Look what I found!!!" But my H was so impressed that I plowed through the first part of the book, and immediately put into action Michele's recommendations, he is devouring his half of the book to meet me halfway.
Quoting FredD: I've read that women can be the high desire partner in a SSM but I have been really skeptical about it. What's your sister's phone #? Just kidding!
it's no joking matter... I am the high drive spouse in a ssm and there are at least 4 other women on this bb who are in the same position...the fact that it is so unbeleivable to most men and women makes it that much harder for us to deal with.
Sorry if I offended. I've been married twice and both became a SSM with me the high desire and them the low desire. That has made me assume women were all low desire, at least after the wedding day. I know now that is not the case from here and also my W's friend's M. W's friend is high desire and her H is low. They are getting divorced. Makes me wonder if we should just swap spouses. Only kidding! (My W may read this.)
Am I crazy to think daily sexual activity should be ok? W and I have tried 8 years of once or twice a month. What's wrong with trying the opposite? Am I delusional? I think it would make me the happiest man in the world. It seems like such an easy way for my W to make me happy. I wish there was something that easy for me to do every day to make her that happy.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Your insights do help. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. It helps to much to hear from the high desire partner because I think you are able to express what my H can seem to put into words. It really helps me to be more empathetic.
I'm glad you found my posts helpful. When my first marriage busted it was totally due to the SSM. We did MC which at least gave me a good understanding of why I had been a jerk to her for many months. I think she withheld sex due to a control issue and not really low desire. The reason did not change the impact to me, I was still so frustrated I became a jerk. She had an A and despite MC I could never forgive her and ultimately we got divorced. It wasn't pretty.
So, I at least had better understanding of myself and how to treat a W going into my second M. Much more patience on my part. I recognized when lack of sex was making me be a jerk. I was at least sometimes successful at stopping jerk behavior.
Having the knowledge wasn't/isn't a fix however. My W went to low desire the day we got married. We were both very high desire before. That made me feel tricked. So now its been 8 1/2 years of me explaining and her not listening - until 2 1/12 months ago.
I found out about her EA 2 1/2 months ago. There were lots of lies and sneaking around for many months. I found it all in her email. Its really devestating, especially since the first W had an affair too. My W knew I was "damaged property" and yet had her EA anyway. That makes it very painful. Its like telling someone you have a broken leg so they kick you in the leg.
Anyway, I'm using the EA as a catalyst to fix everything we can in our R. I refuse to let things go "back to normal". We are trying to tackle SSM issues, financial issues, disagreements on how to handle the kids, religious differences, and more. Its going ok. We are making progress on several fronts.
On the SSM issue, she made me a cake yesterday to appologize for the declining frequency of the last few weeks. It meant a lot to me that she's is understanding the importance. It would have meant more if there actually been some sex, but she was "too tired"- as usual. God give me patience!
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
My H is very "jerky" when he is sex starved. But I am also very "*itchy" when I am emotionally starved. One jerky man and *itchy lady under the same roof don't make a good combo. It really is a vicious cycle.
I used to spend time doing sweet things for H, like your W's cake. But now I understand, although it is a nice gesture, that is not what h wants. So now all my giving energy is going to go first to sex and then to the other nice stuff.
Yesterday I wrote H an email telling him I am determined and committed to emproving our sex life. I also listed the emotional and romantic things that I need and want. But getting those things is no longer a pre condition to having sex.
I also let H know some very specific things that will help me help him. Like I need to know "verbally" when he wants sex. I asked for at least an hours notice, so that I can get my mind in that direction. I also asked that we start early enough so that I can be asleep at my 10pm bedtime. It is soooo hard for me to want to have sex after a long day and I am tired. I am paying close attention to my sexual needs and working to communicate them clearly to H.
In the email I also asked him about his needs. I asked him to list them for me. Sex is an obvious one but I am wondering if there is anything else. Email is good because I can communicate at my own pace and be thoughtful about my word selection. I can be clear because there is no high emotion going on.
I am slowly learning that to truly give love means to give your spouse what they want, not what you want to give them. I am working to keep that formost in my mind. It is my mission to love him the way he wants to be loved. I am also working on expressing to H my needs so he can love me the way I need to be loved.
I am so sorry to hear about your W's A. I can't not imagine the pain that would cause. I think you are a very strong person to be able to forgive and keep working on R.
You know, it doesn't matter if we are the high desire or the low desire person. I think we all have to find out what our spouses need to feel really, really deeply loved, cherished and adored... and then give that to them with out expecting anything back.
And it is also our responsibility to communicate clearly what it is that we need.
I love my H sooo much. He is an amazing man! I wish that he could have communicated his sexual needs to me the way it is described in SSM and here from the HD spouses. I just didn't know. But now I do and I have 10 years to make up for. So I better go get started .
I think your insight are amazing! You really take an honest look at yourself, your motives, your H, his feelings, etc. And it's so cool that you are here and willing to share your experiences with all of us.
I still find it hard to believe that there are others out there in the same situation. The whole "sex" issue has been the unspooken secret in our relationship. On the outside people think H and I are the perfect couple. And between us this problem has been the elephant in the room niether one of us is talking about.
It is such a relief to know that it can get better! And there are answers. You and your H are living proof. I can relate to almost all of your posts and they help me so much to do better and give more.
Jen, I know exactly what you are talking about with the cycle. When I'm sex starved I'm a jerk which makes my W less likely to want sex, making me sex starved and a jerk, and so on in a big circle. I became conscious of the circle in MC at the end of my first M but couldn't stop it in my current M. Its really upsetting to know better but be stuck in the circle just the same. I tried many many times to break the cycle by giving all the things I think she wanted. It made her happy but she would never recipricate by increasing frequency. We maybe had sex 2 or 3 times in that month instead of zero or 1. Despite knowing better I'd eventually become a jerk again.
Things were much better this weekend. At MC Friday she agreed to write an appology letter for the EA. I'm more hopeful now that we can not only get beyond the EA but be happier than ever before. Lots a hard work to go though.
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Yes! that is the cycle I am talking about! It is the worst!But the SSM book gives us hope. Michele says that the cycle also works the other way. One person gives a gesture of love and the other can't help but respond the same. I am starting to see glimmers of it.
I think the key is what you said about hard work. I used to think that if we were in love then everything should just work itself out. Now I am really understanding that this stuff takes constant attention and constanat hard work. Work means doing things you don't always feel like doing. But the payoffs will be worth it because if nothing else at least we can know we've giving all we got.
My H told me this morning that he read my email last night. We were on our way to the gym. He was very nice to me this AM. He didn't say anything about the email, just that he got it and he wrote back and then lost it all because our computer froze up. But I think he may have "got it" somewhat based on his kindness.
You sound very determined to work on your R. And you sound like you have very high hope for great results. That is wonderful! Stay determined and try not be a jerk. I'll try not to be a *itch. Ha Ha
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Ha Ha