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Thanks Snodderly.

Went to SIL's with the kids yesterday. She and H do not get along and she kept telling me he was playing me. I didn't say anything just listened. One BIL told me that he was sorry the way the family had ignored us this past 18 months. He said h is acting like he is 20 again and wants no responsibility. I just listened. Didn't want to H bash.

Last Christmas MIL and FIL didn't acknowledge me. It was no big deal. This year they sent me a check and H gave me a Mass card made out to Mr. and Mrs. H. I thought that was interesting.


H tm'd d12 a few times while we were there. He then called her when we got home. WHat really upsets me is that he tells her that because of how hard it is to be around s15 he didn't come. That the holidays are too hard because he lost his son. I really wish he didn't do that. Sibling rivalry is hard enough.

Anyway shortly after they hung up he called me. He again talked about s15 and we made some small talk. He was very down. I am sure his depression is real but his sister seems to feel it is his way to keep me around. She said he has everything: 2 women, a family who keeps inviting him, and a free place to live. I can't dwell on her words----just leaving him to God.

Anyway, H said he will be by today. S15 has swim practice all day. We shall see how H is. As his BIL said it is like he is stuck and he just can't or won't get unstuck. I just pray his does soon, but with the situation with s15 I feel like that is his card to stay in limbo and not come home. Hopefully the C will help him one way or another.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Mopsey

He's too scared of himself and his feelings to make a final decision one way or the other, mopsey. That is what is going on; happens a lot. If he doesn't choose, then he can't fail.
It's as simple as that.
Not excusing him, just trying to explain.
The Mass card was really nice. I hope you have a Happy New Year!!

Mopsey,
Hope described it correctly. As long as he doesn't have to make a decision, he's fine. However, if he has to make that decision, he will most likely go with the easiest one right now that will not require any work on his part and that is the ow. So, to help you deal w/his indecision about things, you need to detach even further. You don't have to be mean or anything, just don't be so readily available. Yes, he's stuck at this time, but no one can help him, but himself and the therapist.

The comments that the family has made about him having his two women a place to live, etc., leave them outside your home. They don't understand what is going on and until they have walked in your shoes, they won't. Please try not to dwell on what they've said.

Try to enjoy the rest of the holiday. The mass card was a nice gift.

Thanks Snodderly and Hope,

The fence must be a nice place for H right now.

Journaling:
Went out early today to take s15 to practice. Picked up the fixings to make lasagna today. When I got home H's car was there. He and d12 were watching tv.

H was crying. He went outside for a bit and he was crying out there. I was busy in the kitchen but came out when he opened his gifts. He really liked them i think. Kept telling me I should'nt have. That I did too much. It really wasn't much at all. Whatever.

He was very quiet and sad. He fell asleep on the love seat for a bit until d12 started mouthing off at me. He got up and told her he would not listen to her talk to me like that and left. UGH.

SO that's that. How much further could rock bottom be?

Mopsey

Mopsey,
What an emotional time for you today. He's a mess. Rock bottom really isn't that far away, but he's fighting it and until he lets go, he's going to be climbing the sides of that pit for a while.

I think your h was feeling guilty about the gifts that he received. He knows that he's been a mess for a while and the gifts really choked him up w/guilt. Mopsey, you are showing him unconditional love and he doesn't understand why you continue to do so. He will figure it out one day.

Please do not allow his emotional state of today get to you. He really is bouncing all over the place these days. Take this time and enjoy your holiday. I know you are frustrated, but there's nothing you can do but sit by the side of the road and watch him zoom by hitting every barrier out there and coming back to where he was.

Take care.

Thanks Snodderly.

You are right. H is feeling guilty. H sent me several tm's this afternoon after he left.

First--he apologized for D12's behavior...said sorry she talks to you like that and treats you like that.

Then said I spent too much on him and that I should return the gifts and keep the money. He said it would make him much happier and much less guilty if I did.

He said to spend the money on the kids. They were more important and worth it. He was not. That I deserved better and he wished I would open my eyes and see that I deserve to be treated better.


Later on while I was getting s15 at swimming he tm'd me from working apoligizing again for d12's behavior. I didn't answer as I was driving. He then tm'd that he thought I was mad at him and he was sorry.

I did tm him back saying I was driving.....ugh.

So, I have to say that things are never dull around here. I really don't know where his head or heart are at. I doubt he does either.

I pray you are right Snodderly and he will figure it out on day. I just don't know if he wants to.

Mopsey

Mopsey,
Continue to focus on yourself and your children and yes, the future. Your h is a mess and the guilt is eating at him. Not surprised at what he said about the money being spent on him or you deserving better. That's the depression talking for the "poor me" self.

You handled the situation very well. Keep up the good work!

Thanks Snodderly:

Trying to focus on me and the kids. Spent the day returning gifts, cleaning and taking the dog to the vet. After being so sick she got a clean bill of health. A small miracle.

H called me first thing this morning. He was working. He made some small talk, asked about what I was doing and made a point to say that he had a counseling appointment today.

I didn't think I would see him today, but when i got back from the vet he had stopped to see d12. He looked exhausted. Must have been tiring pouring his feelings out to the C.

I pray that counseling helps him sort things out, but I am so setting expectations at 0. Part of me thinks he is going so that someone can tell him that he isn't doing anything wrong and validating everything that has happened. Who knows. H is so messed up.

At least H wasn't crying today. I know I spend too much time thinking about MOW, but i do have to wonder where she is at this point. It would be so much easier to know one way or the other. Oh well....hopefully in time i will.

The listing on the house expires in January. Not a nibble or a looker. Wondering if H will relist. I worry that the tears are to soften me up about selling and helping him sell. I guess I am paranoid.

I pray that God will show me something in the situation of mine. I feel like I am at a stand still and h is stuck in a tunnel of quicksand. I wish I could order a helping of patience from Amazon.com. I am running low.

Mopsey

Mopsey,
Not one peep to your h about the listing expiring in January. Follow his lead for now. Sit patiently and more will be revealed.

As for his counseling session, he was hoping you would open the door a bit and talk about it. I don't think your h is up to initiating a talk about what goes on in the sessions. He wants you to show some interest in what he's doing and this is a major event for him.

As for the mow, let her go. You are giving her far too much energy and brain cells.

Now, go take a nice, hot bubble bath. Tomorrow is a new day!

P.S. Glad the dog got a clean bill of health.

Happy New Year to All. I wish you a very calm and peaceful 2008.

Journaling:

Have been off work since Dec 21st and go back tomorrow...bummer.

Last night the kids both had friends for a sleepover new year's party. D12 had 2 and s15 had 5. As H left (after his brief visit) to go to work he said that he wished he could be here to see the fun they will have.

H is still very down (at least he is around me). He sent me a tm happy new year around 2 am (he worked last night) and then called shortly after. He just called now to see if he could stop by later. He said he had a few things to do and would call back when he was close. He did say he was fasting tonight for bloodwork. I asked if all was ok....and he didn't say to much. Just routine. I think there may be more, but he must not be ready to tell. Just a gut feeling.

Anyway, H is still on my insurance and he sure is getting good use out if it. Between C, meds, bloodwork,etc......Sometimes I think that he is not pushing the D through because he knows that once he does he will be off and may have to buy his own or get a real job with benefits


H still stuck in limbo. I wish he would just figure this out. I guess Patience is still the rx for me. Part of the problem is the fact that he told me the other day he is uncomfortable here when s15 is home because s15 is not speaking to him. Yesterday s15 did thank him for some socks and pjs he brought s15. I asked s15 to just say hello to H. He doesn't have to be rude.

I know I can't fix their R but I also feel like until they make progress H will stay lodged in the tunnel. Perhaps it is an excuse to stay in his MLC world but if he is as unhappy as he seems why isn't he moving forward?

So not much going on here. I feel as though h is stuck right now. Not sure if he will every make a move. Perhaps he feels too much damage has been done.

Mopsey