As I read hopefloats and brue, it reminded me an expression that I know but often forget to practice: "I can choose to be peaceful, or I can choose to be right." I don't know about you, but I struggle with needing to be right on even the most unimportant things. So this is a challenge for me. But it kinda fits with the other posters' observations. Unless it is a life or death matter, we can choose to be peaceful and let them be (to be wrong!) and to figure it out eventually. I see a lot of practice in my future coming up, what with soon-to-be-stepmom in the picture.
Short - you are so on the money with this observation, about letting it go.
I think that was part of what I was getting at with my post on attracting control freaks. I have learned to let it wash right over me. If you engage, then you are part of the process, but if you disengage you can watch the behaviour. You are right - there is no mileage in winning if the other person isn't engaged.
It isn't the same as being a doormat - I just choose now what I am going to take a stand on, if anything,
that is the power of 'I am sorry that you think that way' you aren't engaging, you aren't disagreeing, but neither are you dismissing their feelings.
I am interested in the truth, but only in debating with someone who shares that interst, not with someone who wants to score points, and 'win'.
Sun, I worry when you say you can't stand the sight of him. I get where you're coming from (*believe* me), but again, if you need to move from being enemies to being friends to romance to re-evaluation, what can you do to drain off some anger?
Can you laugh when he says those things? Maybe you can come up with some clever lines to use when he lashes out at you.
I think there is truth to loving them home. And what can you do to feel more loving towards him, even when he is not lovable right now?
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I don't have to win. I do agree it isn't important to score points or to argue with someone who isn't interested in getting to the truth.
I am in a bad place in how I feel about him right now. I know I am supposed to love unconditionally. Some things have happened recently with his drinking and behavior in front of the kids that have completely disgusted us and I can't even post. I don't respect him. He knows how disgusting he has behaved and he can't even keep a promise to himself not to get drunk again or to drink in our home again.
AH, I wasn't aware that they could pass through stages and get to a point where a little bit could make them seem drunk. This could explain what is up with the behavior the last few days. Is there somewhere I could read about this?
Brue, I do so need to grow up. I'm at a point where I don't want to be around him, see him, talk to him, or even look at him. He is a weak, sick, disgusting man in my eyes. The idea that our former R is gone forever is sad only because I do not want a R with this man. I do believe God is telling me to hold on, but I'm terrified my heart is becoming hard toward my H. I can't find one single redeeming thing about him to want right now.
Bre, I know where you are coming from, but I'm not in a place to love him back right now. I know somewhere deep inside me there is still a flicker of love for who he was, I hope, but I've had enough. I'm sick to death of it all. I'm tired of acting "as if." He can't give me a single crumb if I do anything good, but he is over the top when he can find anything to critique. I don't know how to get past this.
I was wondering earlier today if how I feel about him is how he feels about me. Just dead inside.
I think somehow I've gone from the extreme of being desperate enough to do anything to save my marriage to not caring for him in the least. There has to be some middle ground I need to get to in order to stand for what I know is right. I just have to let that anger go and find my way there. I really do work on the anger, but it rears it's ugly head when he goes off on me, and knowing it will only make it worse if I respond makes me angry because then I feel like a doormat for not defending myself. AH is right, there is a part of me that wants to be right, but the better part of me knows to keep the peace.
Ughhhhh!!!!
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
AH, I wasn't aware that they could pass through stages and get to a point where a little bit could make them seem drunk. This could explain what is up with the behavior the last few days. Is there somewhere I could read about this?
You might want to check out the local Alanon meetings. They are free and in most towns. They are set up for family and spouses of alcoholics. You can just sit and listen. It takes going a few times to get used to it, but it really helps. It is a lot of the same stuff you hear on this site, but also deals with what drinking does to people.
AH, I wasn't aware that they could pass through stages and get to a point where a little bit could make them seem drunk. This could explain what is up with the behavior the last few days. Is there somewhere I could read about this?
You might want to check out the local Alanon meetings. They are free and in most towns. They are set up for family and spouses of alcoholics. You can just sit and listen. It takes going a few times to get used to it, but it really helps. It is a lot of the same stuff you hear on this site, but also deals with what drinking does to people.
Sun, I'm with short on this. I know you went a time or two, but she makes a good point, it takes time to get used to it.
In the meantime, I think this is a really good book: Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism by Ketcham and Asbury.
AH, I wasn't aware that they could pass through stages and get to a point where a little bit could make them seem drunk. This could explain what is up with the behavior the last few days. Is there somewhere I could read about this?
You might want to check out the local Alanon meetings. They are free and in most towns. They are set up for family and spouses of alcoholics. You can just sit and listen. It takes going a few times to get used to it, but it really helps. It is a lot of the same stuff you hear on this site, but also deals with what drinking does to people.
Sun, I'm with short on this. I know you went a time or two, but she makes a good point, it takes time to get used to it.
In the meantime, I think this is a really good book: Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism by Ketcham and Asbury.
Sorry for the time away, but I was just trying to survive the holidays. H has been a real handfull. I've finally reached the end of my rope. He went out to meet Drunken Neighbor today and before he left I said "You haven't done anything with me the entire time you've been off" (11 days) and he said something like I should get used to it and I said so nothing is ever going to change and he said "Probably not" so I handed him my ring and said, "here, this isn't good enough for me anymore and you said to let you know when I'd had enough" He stared at me a moment and took my ring. He said he'd be out of the apt by the 1st of Feb. He left and I found my ring lying on the coffee table. I put it on his nightstand. He's out with DN.
He has drank every day he's been off. He broke his promise "to himself" to never drink at home anymore from the first day he was off. Last night he was drunk and said to D18's bf "I bet you wonder what the f**k you've gotten yourself into." Lovely.
I did leave him a voicemail after he left and said "DN talked about us to everyone in the neighborhood, and you go crawling up there to hang out with him like a dog, but you neglect your own family. And, by the way, last night you told D18's bf . . . and I repeated what I just said above. Then I said, I can't believe you would say that to anyone who would be in a R with our daughter. I hung up.
I need some peace. He needs to go spank his inner child instead of blaming me and his mommy for all his problems. I'm tired.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
