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neither of us has unrealized expectations that cause us to get upset...

... I need to stand up and speak up when something really bothers me rather than just letting it build steam by staying quiet.
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pretty much everyone's bones of contention. Seems he thinks it's ok to spend so much time at the shop since there are no plans laid out, so, in his mind he is doing no harm since there was "nothing" in the schedule. There are bound to be a few more special occasions coming up, make sure you both decide in advance what will happen. My H is terrible at planning anything, but he does ask "what should we do?" way ahead of time and I pretty much have more suggestions and then we make a decision.

Bring up what bothers you without accusatory tones, in a way that he doesn't feel he has to defend himself and it will help him to actually be able to see your point, letting it stew in your head will make it so that when you bring it up you will just be upset and nothing will get done.

OK, one week is enough vacation. Bump.

Ack, where is January going? This post might sound like random babbling, but I'm just throwing my thoughts out as they come, so bear with me.

I returned from vacation a few days ago and I feel like I've been running on a treadmill ever since! I'm putting out a lot of effort, but THE LIST, it isn't getting any shorter, and kids are puking and screaming with ear infections, and H is traveling, and laundry is piling, and I'm stretching emotionally and spiritually.

So, I'm good, but I'm a little stressed out and trying to keep it all together.

After our turbulent New Year, H, kids and I went on a weekend trip with my family (several families together in a large vacation estate for three days). It was pretty uneventful and in fact a good time was had by all. From there, H and I drove with the older two kiddos to Disneyland and we proceeded to have a great, exhausting couple of days there. H dropped us off at the airport on Wednesday and then he drove to work in various cities on the West Coast.

Our interactions were all surface and pleasant on the trip. Same via phone since we went our separate ways. We're good at that, the surface stuff.

I've been struggling the last couple of days...the trust issues, frustration over the whole big picture of repentance and H's lack of visible forward motion with regards to spirituality, fretting over what my role is in all of the untangling that needs to be done inside him and our M.

I keep going back and forth in my head: I can't control him, he has to make his own choices, but his choices have great impact on my future, and that of our family...is it my place to just sit back, go with the flow, take care of myself and twiddle my thumbs patiently, or is it my place to (lovingly) kick his rear into gear?

I'm 90% sure I need to just keep focusing on me and let him do his own thing. It just makes me sad that his thing isn't the same as my thing, does that make sense?

Really, looking at the roller coaster I'm on now versus past coasters, I'm doing much better at rolling with the emotions and letting the panic slide off my back. I'm looking more at myself, deeper into myself. But that brings anxiety with it, because the deeper I look, the less I think that H and I will ever be on the same page.

Makes absolute sense to me what your saying. Over the last 10-15 years I sort of wondered why I felt bogged down spiritually, regardless of what I was doing. Some times W seem to care about this in our lives, but sometimes did not. Right now W seems to be leery of anything of higher spiritual potential or exposure, but still wants kids to have those types of experiences that they should. To me that seems to say, knows that there is something amiss, knows what is right, but won't take the corrective actions. So what do I/we do?

Spiritual future hanging in the balance of other's decisions, ain't it great. What do we do while they figure this out? My biggest marvel right now is that when W and I first met, what drew us together was the fact that we could sit, talk and discuss anything, including R. Not too long after getting M, discussing R just became something W did not like to do. She felt all her/our issues seem to be based around her and it was something she would just have to deal with.

During our C sessions that we did go to, the C said that W was a bit of a control freak. I think we both like order and to solve the problem, but can't seem to figure out how we can get each other to "get with the program". However, I think W has a harder time letting go of the resentment of not being in control. Same as usual however, wants spouse to take control, but not really.

So how do you deal with the underlying problems in your M? Not sure. Like yourself I too am working on myself and letting W deal with her own issues. Perhaps I kind of see it this way. Sooner or later I think if W doesn't sort things out she will bug out, I will have to pick up the pieces with the kids and help them through the rest of their lives. I pray for the strength of Job, but I prefer to do this with out some of the afflictions.

I too apologize for the ramblings of this post, but I guess that's the way we get around here. My questions usually to myself is, "am I fixing this thing or am I just getting comfortably numb again?" I don't want D, I remember how things use to be better, but can I make my way back from here? Time and effort will tell.

Aud,
I understand exactly what you're feeling. Even the part about things being crazy on the home front.

First let me comment on that. In my case, I have been feeling really stressed about the kids, work, the messy house, all the paperwork, the laundry, etc... So, I spent yesterday organizing all the paperwork. I went to Staples and got new files and folders, etc... I have to say, once I organized it all, I felt much better. I also have a little notebook with a to-do list that I keep adding to as I remember things. I find that when I write things down, i feel less overwhelmed with the tasks at hand.

So, see if there's anything you can do in your own life to organize it or to bring order. Your kids being sick, you can't control, obviously... but of the things you can control, what can you do to make things easier on you?

Onto your feelings about your H. I get it. Believe me I do. I often struggle with my H's lack of faith. And that is something that you and i can't touch. Forcing religion on somebody will never work. We just have to hope that they find their faith on their own. I pray about it often.

No, you can't control your H. You can control you. But that is not always an easy concept to get. I have to remind myself of this everyday. At the same time, don't sacrifice your own needs in the M. Is your H receptive to your giving him feedback about how your needs are being met? If so, find a gentle way of telling him what you need in the M.

I know I said this before, but I really think your C can help you with waht your role is and how you should be communicating with your H. And maybe at some point, you can ask your H to join you with yoru C to talk about YOU, not about the M. THat might be a good way to at least get him into a session with you.

Hang in there. I can empathize. Really, I can.

Woo-hoo! I make sense!


Yep. Great. No pressure. I completely understand that I can't push him into anything. I don't want to push him. I just want him to be a faithful man of integrity. Grrr. I've been thinking a lot about it, and I'm still feeling like I just need to do the best I can to bring the Spirit into our home and keep working on myself. And pray that someday he sees the light. It's happened before, a million times. I guess it's the patience thing that is bothering me. That, and the fact that I need to work harder to step up my efforts in our home...which would be so much easier if I had assistance from him. But reality is that I don't, so I need to stop wallowing in my bitterness over it and just do the extra work.

Yes, time and effort will tell. And I firmly believe that someday things will be better if we just keep chipping away at them. You're a good man Phoenix. Hang in there.

Peaceful,

Thanks for the tips on organizing. I'm actually a bit OC about my Outlook schedule and writing my daily lists...sometimes I spend so much time figuring out what I need to do and when that I end up not having time to actually do the things on the list! :P I've got to work on getting my computer time under control...I admit I'm addicted to my email, the blogs I like to read, and this BB. H is constantly teasing me about my 'problem'. Maybe I need to get with Whapu and set up a 12-step program.

I just set up an appointment with myself to call my C and make an appointment with him tomorrow. I think I do need to get some direction on boundaries, my role in the healing of our M, and communication skills.

Thanks for empathizing with me. It means a lot. :Mwah:

Aud,
I just went to my C last week for the first time in several months. And it's amazing how much she helped me to organize my thoughts... figure out exactly waht it was I was worried about, and what kind of impact my actions will have (i.e. always questionning my H). I think your C can jsut help you organize your thoughts and give you some guidance on how to handle boundaries.

don't mind me, just sitting here, nodding my head at what you girls are saying...

H is nowhere near ready to begin to look for God, I think that's why his healing is so slow and broken, I so wish he'd understand that God is the one who has the peace he is looking for. The kids and I still go to church and now and they he might come for lunch there when we have it, but that's it. I pray every morning for H to find his way back to God, how things would change for him, for us.

Ditto hon. I've been reading more about the spiritual side of this and we're nowhere near even beginning to heal in that regard either.

H is in OW's area this week. I'm doing pretty well, all things considered, but there's still the voice in the back of my head: he's lied for so many years, he can easily still be doing so. If he were on the spiritual path, I think it would be easier to discount the voice. But he's not, and reality is that he can easily fall again.

Blech.