In the first place, IC, your two situations were/are not the same. You did something in the heat of the moment, presumably with no premeditation. LFL wanted to see this guy and see if she felt the same, to see if any of the feeling she has been remembering and fantasizing about was still there. She wanted to go and confirm that it was or that all there was was a fantasy of the past.
Nothing like your sitch.
All that notwithstanding, IC, telling her NOT to go is pointless. She will do what she wants. She doesn't need my permission... but if she HAS my permission, she may think twice. Telling a grown person they can't do something-- what's the point?
If you had called me that fateful night and said, "Lil, I'm here at the sports bar and just got this proposition and I really really want to do this, do you think I should?" and I started tugging on the rope and said, "Oh my God, IC, you're nuts! Do you want to throw away your marriage in one night?!? Have you lost your mind. Leave there right now!" would that have deterred you?
What if I dropped the rope and said, "You're a grown man, IC. If that's what you want to do, I won't stop you. And I'll still be your friend" and left you TOTALLY ALONE WITH YOUR DECISION.
I'm not the morality police of anyone except myself. If someone feels they need to do something, short of murder or animal/child abuse, who am I to tell them not to?
There's a saying in AA, "Don't do anyone else's inventory."
IC - I understand your point. But that is a major difference between men and women who cheat, I think. The women tend to delude themselves into thinking they are "in love" with this person. (ugh. I'm such an idiot). And the men often cheat without the emotional attachment it seems. Most people tend to have somewhat more sympathy for women because our stupid bunnies tend to get trampled on and left for dead, while the wolf scurries off with a full belly. Not that you were a wolf and I was a bunny, but in our cases, you didn't have the emotional attachment and I did. I wouldn't be in this crazy state if the love chemicals weren't flowing. ugh again.
Anyways, it's all shot to hell now. I left a message for the guy that this was going to lead to nothing but hurt if he couldn't at least be honest with me about his feelings. (He's always been very emotionally withdrawn, typical man in many ways). Like a total nutjob, I tell him I might be falling in love with him and not willing to go any further with this unless he felt the same. No response. jackass
I deserve this misery.
And to top it all off, I had a long discussion with H about the whole mess and he wants to keep working on the M. Nothing seems to phase this man. Not sure if that is good or bad. I'd be out the door if I were him. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just drop this insanity and be happy in my M?
I told H I just feel so lonely, so unloved. He started to cry at that point and said he just doesn't know if he can fix it. He shows me love in his own way all the time but just not in the way I feel I need - sexually. So nothing is any different, even after all the drama of today. And I'm still lost. I don't know what to do anymore.
I told H I just feel so lonely, so unloved. He started to cry at that point and said he just doesn't know if he can fix it. He shows me love in his own way all the time but just not in the way I feel I need - sexually. So nothing is any different, even after all the drama of today. And I'm still lost. I don't know what to do anymore.
What you did today was play SoldierBoy weak bunny. He responded as many/most men will respond to weak bunny. I may be wrong but I don't like the advice that Stigmata offered along the lines of "spank your submissive H's monkey and then he'll rise to wolf and spank yours". In some situations that might be appropriate but not in your situation because I think you want your H to vibe dominant so that you can feel more secure more than you actually want sex. I also don't think that telling your H to read something like takeninhand so that he can learn how to act more dominant is appropriate at the moment. I think what you need to do is play your H strong bunny until he feels more secure in the role of St. Bernard and then play him healthy monkey to which he should respond with a healthy dominance. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that being strong bunny is a matter of just making sure to go to the beauty parlor and pamper yourself. That's just kind of what you need to do to feel right for the role. A good example of "playing a guy bunny" would be to just sit in a car until he opened the door for you (remembering that you aren't in the role of 'Mommy teaching manners' but rather 'girl with pretty dress that will get rumpled with physical exertion') then thank him nicely. What I have found to be the case is that most men will naturally do a variety of things like this and all you really have to do is just "let them play you bunny". Basically, if you let a guy establish dominance by being non-sexual/useful then he will be more comfortable expressing dominance in a sexual/forceful manner. It's like guys have some kind of automatic semi-conscious counter that calculates along the lines of 8 car doors opened + 2 theater tickets purchased + 1 lawn mowed = 1 hot sexual encounter. The funny thing is that the equation works forwards and backwards so HD monkey girls can use it too. You just have to be a little bit organized and self-disciplined and self-aware. Like I was good about letting the guy I met today fetch me coffee but if I really wanted to make him horny I should have asked him to bring me a cookie too on the second run. Also, I probably should have been a little less obvious that I was checking out his *ss when he went to the counter. Oh well, can't always be in top form.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I can hear you hurting, and I'm sorry for your pain. I'm feeling what you're feeling. I know how bad it hurts...but...
You DO NOT deserve your misery. I have stopped taking the blame for my situation, and I feel better for it.
I don't know your full story, just what I've read on your thread, but I have to ask myself...what's up with your hubby? I mean, you sound like my dream woman. Any guy's dream woman, for that matter. You're a good mom AND love to make love.
Wow.
Have you tried just not initiating? Have you tried just completely stopping talking, suggesting, or pursuing sex? Are you inundating him with too much focus on the sex life so that you're driving him away?
I guess my point is, I've learned the painful lesson that I can't make my W feel/do/think anything...I have no control over her. The harder I tried to change her, the worse things got. Threats and ultimatums just drove us farther apart. Like you, I warned my wife that if the physical part of our relationship continued to be non-existent, that I might look elsewhere. She just shrugged her shoulders, teared-up, and told me she "didn't know what to do." Sounds a little like your sitch...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
It's like guys have some kind of automatic semi-conscious counter that calculates along the lines of 8 car doors opened + 2 theater tickets purchased + 1 lawn mowed = 1 hot sexual encounter. The funny thing is that the equation works forwards and backwards so HD monkey girls can use it too. You just have to be a little bit organized and self-disciplined and self-aware. Like I was good about letting the guy I met today fetch me coffee but if I really wanted to make him horny I should have asked him to bring me a cookie too on the second run.
Hmmm... too much of that and "strong bunny" becomes "spoiled princess" and the attractiveness goes back down.
Although that whole spiel does throw some light on Mrs. Eddie. Over the years she showed a tendency to "play helpless" or maybe "play dumb" and I tended to get exasperated with her and sometimes wondered if maybe she really was kind of an idiot. But she seemed to get a lot smarter and more competent in the last couple of years and recently admitted that she did tend to "play dumb" in the past (but, as seems to be common in male-female communications, couldn't manage to give a reason why that I could understand). In our case that sort of thing backfired and her attractiveness to me went up when she switched to playing.... I can't think of a creature here, but one of the female Heinlein characters that really likes and appreciates men but doesn't want or need them holding her hand just to get through her day.
Although, come to think of it, I do think it's rather cute and sexy when she bats her eyes and asks for something. But now it's kind of a game between us and not a sign that I've handicapped my kids by saddling them with the genes of a helpless overgrown child, nor a sign that I've signed up for a lifetime of being her errand boy.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Oh honey, I'm sorry for your pain. I so understand your confusion. I'm not sorry that soldier boy cancelled. He's only a figment of your imagination anyway. However "real" he is, he's equally a figment. So, is your H. The H you have in your mind is only your conjecture of who your H is. If he won't let you in on the secret of who he really is you will live in this two planets orbiting something that society calls "marriage" and it will have no life or meaning of its own. You have no shared meanings. I understand this because that is the "reality" that I am living too. My H and I are living this reality too.
Baby, soldier boy doesn't have the answer. Your H doesn't have the answer. The answer is in YOU. I can apply the same to myself. That is why I have quit even bothering much with H. In the end it isn't about him. I have to decide how I will live, what I will tolerate, what I value and how sex fits into that. After all, if my faith and lifelong M and shared parenting is more important then I can have as much sex as I want can't I? I can carry on a long affair with someone with great discretion or I can mb every day, three times/day if I want. If I believe that what I value is really connection and I believe that sex has something to do with connection then I have to work on connection itself. Anywho - it is up to ME. It isn't about H.
The other day I watched "the Banger sisters" - get it, an assortment of chick flicks, a bottle of wine, your favorite snacks and a box of kleenex. Cry out your disillusionment then, pick yourself up tomorrow and figure things out.
You don't deserve this misery any more than any one of the rest of us.
I'm glad soldier boy cancelled, too. I think if you had gone through with anything, you'd be feeling a lot worse than you are right now. I'm also glad you told your H. Although his reaction... I don't know.
I don't know if you and your H are cut out to be lovers... maybe you are destined to be very good friends, but not lovers. Clearly he loves you and cares for you, but will there ever be real sexual intimacy of the kind that you need and want? He seems more understanding of your feelings than Mr. karen is of karen's, but whether that will translate into any action...
When your H said he wants to keep "working on the marriage," did he say exactly what that "work" would consist of?
