Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 3

Jeanette

Please i had no expectations with h's plans for anything. I was just surprised that he was home for new years eve, that is all. So i had nothing planned which meant no let down for me

Yes i agree the birthday issue will be hard, I'm sure i will see him, i know he hates and i mean hates to work on his birthday, never has always has taken the day off, But things are different and i know i will not be surprised when he says i have to work on my birthday, so there will be no surprise to me.

I was thinking i would like to say to h, sometime friday, just casually like, hey its your b-day sunday, i would like to take you out for something to eat. And just drop it. Totally drop it. And let him make the decision. As i said before it would not surprise me if he pulled the work card. Again, I will not be shocked by this. But i have made no decision about it at all.

I will totally remember about the christmas gifts. It will stay in my mind don't you worry. Speaking of them, i unwrapped them, put the clothes in the wash basket, the chocolate in the fridge, and the shadowbox upstairs in the attic. I sure he will see it up there. If and when he says something about the medal or where the new clothes came from i will say well they were christmas gifts for you that were under the tree that you did not open.

We had talked about this before that i should start looking at the accounts on line make my own password but i am just not there yet. I do have my own credit card now, and i have been seriously thinking about my own checking account these past few days.

I do truly value your advice jeanette, and i hear you. I will let the birthday issue ride the wave for now. I will leave the birthday issue in h's lap. As i sit here typing this h is ringing my cell phone and i am not answering it. He can call on the house phone.

But i have to say, if he does not want to go out for dinner on sunday, I want to make macaroni and cheese. I have been craving it for like for over a month, and i need to give in and make it! YUMMY! I can always freeze what is not eaten. Just gotta have it. I know sounds silly rambling, sorry. But I want to do it, for me!

Still on the fence about vacation, why am I, Why can't i commit to going? Why am i holding myself back? Why am i struggling with this? ARRGGGHHH!!!!

Anyway i hope you are right jeanette that is year will be a good year!

Hugs my friend and love
bear

Just wanted to post this update for the day. Boy I wish i knew where h's head was.

H called me about 12ish, h worked nights last night, I ask how he is feeling, better he says, he sounds chipper. I'm glad i tell him. I tell him that i had to use some eggs before they were to expire so i told him there were hardboiled eggs in the fridge, do what you want with them, had to use um before lose um. H says great thanks.

Here is where it gets good, H says I did not want you to think i was ungrateful for the gifts, but. I jumped right in and said, look they obviously made you very uncomfortable, and that is not what i wanted. It was just a couple of small gifts. The clothes are in the wash basket, there was chocolate its in the breakfront, and i made you something and its upstairs. You can go up and get it yourself if you wish to see it. H starts to do the stutter thing, he was like i felt bad opening them for i did not have anything for you yet, the bag is not delivered and i wanted to get you clothes which i did not do. Well i said i felt that they made you uncomfortable since you would not open them so i got them out of your sight, they are still around. H says he wants to talk more about it when i get home.

Ok now keep this in mind he is working nights, its wed i got to gym, so guess what there will be no talk tonight for i am not coming home and then going out to the gym after he eats dinner. So the conversation if it was to ever happen, will not happen tonight.

I also spoke to mil today, she is like it seem like forever since i spoke to you last. I said yes, well h did not pass the phone around xmas day. She then says did you get any gifts from him for xmas, i said no, she started yelling not at me but in general, like what do you mean, he told us all he and a bunch of gifts for you. NOPE is my reply. So she says to me did you get him anything i said yes, and he did not open them so i unwrapped them all and put them away. She was like why didn't he open them. Guilt i say, pure guilt. So i asked mil, who got the coach bag? She is like what? Yea he bought a coach bag while he was down there, she is like well i did not get it and neither did anyone else. So i told mil, nice i get a gym bag and she gets a coach bag. Mil, speechless. I immediately change the subject to something else. we chat for a while.
She says i did not push him to talk about marriage, good i said. BIL & SIL, and MIL all agreeded that xmas day he seemed so sad. My knee jerk reaction was good, he should be sad, I was. He created this mess he had to figure it out.

I ended on a great note with her. She says don't get him a dam thing for his birthday, not even a card. Now this is a mother about her son, I said i have a few plans of action i can take, but will let him set the tone. She was also annoyed she has not heard from him since he left, he was supposed to call when he landed i said well he did not come home until after 3am, she was like he was delayed that whole time, i was like not he went out. She could not comprehend that, well i said this is the way he is living his life.

We shall see whatis to come.
bear

H called about 5pm. I and questioned if i was going to come home, i said well its wed, and he says oh so i guess you are going to the gym, i'm like yes. Oh he says well i guess i will just go to work now and go on my shift at 7pm. I said ok, frozen dinner in the freezer in the basement, h says oh i was going to take pasta from the other night, ok i said fine with me.

I feel like he wanted to talk at dinner, but i was not there. So he did not have the opportunity to talk like he wanted to. Oh well

I am off to bed, very tired did not sleep last night up till after 3am. So sleepytime for me.

Hugs to all
bear

Tonight i casually asked said to h while i was doing the dishes after dinner, I said, since its your birthday this weekend and i don't know what your plans are i would like to take you out to lunch or dinner, its totally up to you, where you would like to go or when. You can let me know what you would like to do. I never turned around from loading the dishes into the dishwasher.

I feel this was a good move for me, in the past i would have been, lets plan or more like let me plan what we should do for your birthday. Not this year, just made the non pressure statement out there about either lunch or dinner. I feel it was a good DB for me. I hold no, and i mean no hope for anything. I do have a funny feeling with h's reply of ok, that would be nice, as he wants to do something but i don't know what. And i cannot worry about it. I need to act as if, go on with life for the weekend, just like it was any other weekend.


Hey jeanette, where are you? Hope you are feeling ok!

We shall see what happens
phbear

Heyya bear!

Things seem to have hit a quiet calm. Thats nice. Good move on casually mentioning the birthday, now let it go. You've mentioned it, he accepted so no need to talk about anymore. Just come up with some sort of plan. Do you guys have any of those "Dinner Show's" there? We used to like going to them. You get the entertainment and dinner so theres not much need for serious talking

I've been here, just not posting much as there really isn't much to say. I did take all the indoor decorations down and removed the tree last night. Josh took down most of the outside stuff. It's my plan to have this house ready to go on the market by February. It seems I cannot get any help from Rich so I just have to do it myself. I still find it so very hard to believe that he walked away two years ago, pays all the bills and won't even attemtp to help me sell it. He would be saving at least a 1,000 a month....''

Oh, the baby kitty I found about six months ago......should be having babies anyday now She escaped outside ONE TMIE! I can't believe it......

want another kitty??? anyone???

Take care bear, and let me now what the plans for the bday is

Hugs

Jeanette

Hi Jeanette

Glad things are ok, was starting to worry about you. If i did not hear from you today i was going to send you an email. Just making sure you are ok.

No i will not bring up the dinner thing again, that i promise. I wish he would go to one of those dinner show things, but that would require him to be out with me in public, remember he does not do those things well, the play and wedding thing. So I really don't think that is a good idea. And I don't want to. I keep just thinking i don't know why i want to do this, but like do a trip to mohegan sun casino for the day. Now hear me out, the bus leaves at 12noon, you are back for 9 or 10pm. We can be together for the ride up, the ride back and to get something to eat. He likes to play the tables, i like to play machines. So as you say its no pressure for serious talking. Even on the bus, i can bring a book or listen to my ipod. He can sleep. Just me thinking and rambling aloud.

There is never any serious talk, H never wants to, so i don't bring anything up.

Sounds like to me Rich can't or does not want to accept the issue of the house being sold. Maybe he feels he thought he could do it all and is finding out he can't. Hurting his ego/pride. Don't know me just rambling. Sorry you have to sell the house, i feel bad. But I know this is what you need.

LOL I'll pass on the kitten, not that i would not want one, but my princess does not like to share, so she does not like anyone else. I have tried numerous times with my girl to get along with another cat, but all it causes is lots of stress on me. GOOD LUCK, I guess someone will be going to the vet soon for a little snip so this does not happen again.

I fed a stray almost two years ago, and to thank me she brought me 3 kittens. Had them for over six months, had a hard time finding them a good home, finally went to petsmart and spoke with the adoption group there they found homes for them. Just a suggestion if you need help finding them a home.

Oh, get this, remember the other day when i spoke to MIL, I said he bought someone/OW a coach bag, well it bothered her so much she asked SIL and she said, he bought his neice a coach bag. Now don't get me wrong, I am not upset at this. I know he went shopping with her, but he its more over the fact that he did not tell me, and i feel it was a little on the unfair side that neice gets coach bag, and nephew got..... If i was with neice and i have done this in the past if i have been shopping with her i have bought her things that she likes cause it is just easier. But i always then go shopping with nephew and get him somethings he likes too. But anyway so there is the answer to the mystery coach bag, Glad i let it go and refused to question about it. I think i just DB'D caused i acted as if, and did a 180 with not questioning it, and i decided to wait the 48 hr rule and made a decision to just let it go. Yea me! LOL

I will let you know what the bday plans are when he decides what he wants to do. I have said with at needed to say, the result will be up to him. If not going to still make mac and cheese like my origional plan.

Hugs
bear

Just when i think things are looking slightly brighter, I get
a call this afternoon with h claiming "i'm not trying to be nasty or hurt your feelings but i;m going out tonight. WHich translates into I'm going with OW.

UGH, How can he think this does not bother me or is not nasty?

phbear

ok bear,

when do you think it's going to be time to start cutting things off? When do you think it's going to be time for you to say, look I'm not trying to be nasty or hurt you, but we are not in a relationship and I'm not your mother, do your own laundry, cook your own food, go out whenever you want.

bear,

please leave the birthday plans ALONE. If he mentions it, just tell him someting came up and your not going to make it.

It's time to cut off all ties!!

Jeanette

It has to start soon, i need it to click in my brain. As i type right now i am so angry so far i have broken a picture of him, punched two holes in the closet door and broke the phone.

let me explain why. I decided after the phone call this afternoon, i was going to go to therapy, i was then going to go shopping and stay out GAL stuff, ok

I had to go back to work to deal with something. It became late, so my friend and boss decide to go and get a bite to eat, now its after midnight, i figure h should be home. wonder why there is no call from him wondering where i am. I go home, no car. You SOB, MF I then start driving around. angry. finally decide to go home about 1245. Come in to find a note on the table

"My name"
Don't wait up I will be home in the morning. I am not trying to hurt you, I am being honest about where I will be. I will see you when i get home. Thank you for trying to understand.
signed AS*&OLE HUSBAND

I was so mad I threw the phone, I broke an ornament off the tree, i almost destroyed a family ornament that his GF made, but i could not hurt him like that.

I then punched the closet door causing two holes. I then went in to the bedroom and i had a picture of h from our wedding day in frame and threw it across the bedroom, which it then shattered into many pieces. So here i sit with a large glass of vodka typing to you. Oh and i also texted h with a text message of as you are fu(*king her NO I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. and almost deleted it but no i sent it.

I am beyond well you know every emotion right now, i need the vodka to kick in so i can go cry myself to sleep.

I have to I have to cut the ties, But why does cutting the ties to me feel like i am giving up home. If i cut, will he not go? will i not bleed to death?

I do know one thing, i am going to make the darn plane reservations tonight. He is not welcome to come.

I am also going to in am go to the credit union and get my own checking account. Its time for me to take my little salary and put it in my own checking account.

I am so hurt, so so so so so so so so hurt. I keep hoping its over with her, but i am just being a fool. No AS**ole.

I know you have told me and told me and told me this was coming. But i always felt i had a chance with h, but i don't do I. Not when he goes and spends the night with her.

I just wish i could do what i need to do, but i don't want this, i don't want a divorce. I want a chance, to show him my changes, to show him i am new i am different i am worth a shot.

How do i even face him tomorrow, how do i act as if, when i know i am worthless to him.

Why did i fail at this?

**hugs** I'm so sorry.

It seems, though, from the post above, that he's the one who's failed at trying for your marriage. It's quite callous just to leave a note like that on the table.

I don't have the time to write a longer message, but I'm so sorry things have gone this way for you.