Haven't read it myself, but I've seen it discussed all over these boards. I should have read it...might have saved me some time in psychotherapy.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
I absolutely have issues with setting healthy boundaries. I don't want to rock the boat. I know certain things are wrong, but I don't want to upset the balance.
That is the hardest part for us "nice guys." We think that saying no is being unkind. Takers love us because we want everyone to be happy...and they use that to their advantage. Setting boundaries and sticking to them in an established relationship is even harder because the other party remembers the way things used to be and pulls out all the stops to get back there.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
I want to find that happy middle ground.. to be able to be a person who can set boundaries and have them be respected. I overthink things most of the time.. I try to think of action/reaction. They do this.. if I do this, then they'll just do this.. or I have no action to back this up.
I think the book will help you with this. One thing I have found is that some people always push the boundaries, trying to erode them. "Nice" guys have to be careful with these folks because we really want to accomodate people and make them happy.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
I think the latter is my biggest issue. Example.. I don't want OM sleeping over at W's place while the D's are there. Problem.. I have no action to back that request. She will lie, cheat and steal to accomplish it and I have no recourse.
You've gotta pick your battles. I don't think this is one that you can win. You might get somewhere focusing on their behavior in the presence of your Ds.
Originally Posted By: jarhead
The other issue I have is.. I'm either nice, or I'm not. There is no in-between. I've tried treating her as a "stranger", but I don't like strangers.. maybe it's the Jarhead thing, but I ALWAYS analyze situations first!
It's good to analyze situations first--that way you get to choose the battles you want to fight. I think you'll find as you go through this process that focusing on you and your Ds is not the same as being unkind. You can be kind and sympathetic while still having boundaries--even with people you love very much.
I am truly sorry this is causing you so much pain.
Oh jar!!! I love that she was all flustered she couldn't just come and go as she pleased. And the whole concept that she thinks its ok for OM to come into YOUR house just shows how truly lost she is. Unfortunately with this 'lost' comes disrespect for us and immense selfishness. I am sorry you witnessed a lot of that last night.
You did all the right things. I have no idea her motive for anything. How can she possible think you will be there for her, supportive of her, and in her control when she treats you like this?
You are amazing Jar. You either deserve old W back or someone new. No jarhead should be alone.
Not even sure if old W exists anymore. The more and more I think back on things, the more and more I realize that her behavior is all her. Been this way since the beginning. I think you hit the nail on the head in an earlier post to someone.. I've had the opportunity to stray and never did. She ALWAYS treated me like I was cheating.. probably because deep down she knew she was treating me like crap. Then all of the sudden she up and walks. Whatever.
Update.. W just called to talk to D's. I called her back.. had a good attitude and she talked to the D's. Of course she explained to D5 what "New Year's" was.. like I hadn't. Then she suggested that Daddy wake her up to watch the ball drop. Control. I get on the phone after she was done and she talks about how we did right with the D's. She ask what I was doing for New Years.. let me see... I'm separated and have the kids.. gee what can I do? I told her I would be partying solo. She said she would text me in the New Year.. I said that was OK, but I may not be awake.
We talked about some other things.. kid stuff.. then I told her she got something from the bank today. She had made a big deal the other day about expecting some mail. She asked if I would give her all her mail.. insinuating that I was holding out on her. I told her I give her everything that's addressed to her. She then said "Since you locked me out.. What happens if I have mail and you're not there?" I told her she could wait till I got back.. her reply "What if I need it?" I said "Then whoever is watching the house for me can give it to you... like on my trip.. Friend and his W are taking care of the house." Then it was a big back and forth.. "Why didn't you ask me? They are my dogs and cats too." Several different iterations of this, but I simply responded "I asked them to watch the house." This ticked her off.. she said "Anyway.. I'll talk to you tomorrow." I said "Happy New Year" She said "You too... bye"
Still testing the waters. She will be surprised to find a more rigid individual on this end. My goal is to have the boundaries I need (and the girls), be pleasant, but be firm.
She did mention the ball thing to me.. absolutely no way am I waking a 5 year old up at 11:55 so she can watch the ball drop and then try to get her back to sleep.
No offense.. but what a dumbass thing to say when you won't be there to help. That's her though.. if she were here and we weren't going out, she'd have them up. Goon.
OMG H does that stuff, even before all this....let's wake up D's to do ____ or ____... I agree, its fun if its the whole family but really, what fun is it for jarhead to do it alone. You can wake them up in the morning making a big deal about it being 2008.
She is pushing..pushing...wants control back in her life, the life she is obviously choosing by her actions.
Boundaries with respect/politeness. Let's hope you get that back as well.
Happy New Year Jar. I am working tonight so no fun for me either.
To be honest.. after the Marines, holidays don't really mean much to me. Aside from the Hallmark Holiday's, New Year's is probably the least celebrated for me. Parents never made a big deal.. maybe a dixie cup of champagne.. they would let us stay up (when were 8+) and bang pots and pans outside at midnight.
The last few years, we would be either heading back from or be in Virginia.. this also occurred on most of our Anniversaries as well. Her Dad and Stepmom.
My buddy got an Xbox 360 for Xmas.. I've been trying to get him to sell me his Xbox so I have some stuff to do on these nights!!
lwb - Sorry you have to work.. that was one thing I did hate doing on New Year's.
Someday, maybe I'll tell the story about how my dad and I ended up in a gay bar for New Years. Good times.. Good times.
So.. 08 has started with no text from W (really didn't expect one) and a head cold. I feel yucky today!!
Watched "Gone in sixty seconds" till 11:59 and then watched poor Dick Clark count the ball down. Seriously.. are the going to put him under glass and bring him out just for New Years?
Watching the ball, I couldn't help but think that W and I have watched the ball drop every year (big deal for her) and kissed. Of course the picture of her and OM ran through the head. I quickly changed back to the movie.
Finished movie and went to bed. Got several texts from W's friend.. all saying U 2.. at 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. Then at 7:30 I got "Where?" from her. Best guess... she was sending to the wrong person. Guess they were out all night. Something W COULDN'T do before now. She'd be asleep by 10 usually.
Anyway... keeping it quiet today. Happy New Years all!!
