Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE A friend amongst friends???

IC:



I didn't feel misguided. And yes... you did ask me to hit you with both barrels, or something of that nature.



Really? You needed to be told, by the masses, what you already knew and felt yourself? And I'm saying KNOW. Not sensed. Not thought. I cannot believe you are trying to tell me you were not aware of the cold hard truth. THAT I don't buy.



Coated in 'poor me' language. (I don't blame you... but you cannot fix what you cannot own. If everyone HERE could forgive you your transgression... you could hold that up to Ms. IC, couldn't you? "See, Ms. IC? All those hardcore Relationship SSM folks can get past it...") Get my point?



Exactly. See? Told you you were smart and you'd figure it out with no help from me.

Chey,

I have personally witnessed two people rebuild a marriage successfully after infidelity - my parents. That was done only after some really hard truths were brought out. My Dad confessed personally to me and my brother - I was in college and my brother in High School. My Dad took his lumps from my Mom and each of us children. We did not have the kind of home where we got to speak frankly to my parents- respect for them was HUGE but my Dad was willing to hear us in this situation and it wasn't very easy. I still respect him for that. They never got counseling, they worked through it. They were very successful in finding continued happiness together. After my Mom got cancer and it scared the crap out of both of them they valued one another even more. They recognized that we are on borrowed time with those we love - whether it is due to illness or due to anyone's ability to find another life path or partner at any time. I didn't relate this story to the ICs because I've told this story on this forum before.

I attempted to respond to IC in such a way as to say - yes, your behavior was just as bad as you suspect it was AND you can redeem yourself with HER help. And to Miss IC I attempted to say - it wasn't your fault but being part of the solution will be your responsibility too. I don't think I berated either one. I feel certain that they can get through this. We all have our styles on this board - I have been accused in the past of getting on bandwagons and I have been accused in the past of being too validating. Regardless of styles I don't feel that anyone's comments are meant to hurt anyone else long term. If we weren't some hurting people we wouldn't be here at all - sometimes that hurt shows through. IC and Miss IC must sort through and find what resonates with them.

Yup, flirted with IC by mentioning my favored lingerie colors. I flirt sometimes because it is fun. It was less about flirting though than my fighting the perception that I am some kind of sweet, kind Mrs. Cleaver. People's perception of me as always "nice" is not quite accurate and it is a perception that people have had of me all my life. I have a hot little temper, an evil side, like the darker side of sex and literature and my lingerie preference reflects this. The point? Sometimes in exploring these silly little side notes we find out things that surprise us about each other. Mightn't we find out the same about our loved ones??? Wonder who they flirt with and how they present themselves when they do so?? Wonder what they would say to someone who had an affair?

On this forum I haven't solved my SSM?? Maybe I never will. I sure have learned a lot though. I think the IC's will be ok even if they get some over passionate responses. I am just glad that there are people willing to join in the quest -however imperfectly.

Karen

I get your point, but that's not really the point I was trying to make. You kind of make it sound like I was/am seeking forgiveness. Forgiveness may or may not come...that's upto Miss IC and only she will know if she ever does TRULY forgive me. To me, it seems there will always be a lingering doubt..something to prove....I mean this in a good way. I don't want to fall into a rut of everyday living.."oh she forgave me, things are good now" Bullsh!t! I want to wake up each morning with the attitude, "what can I do today to prove my love for her, to earn her forgiveness, to build our marriage?" Can this be done everyday?...probably not, but can it hurt to try?

You say that I cannot fix what I cannot own....I'm owning it and I'm doing what I can to try and fix it


Mojo....-88 for eating the last cookie ???? You're tough

This is what every partner should do. damn straight.
And I raise a pompom in cheering you on to do it. \o/\o/\o/

This is what every partner should do. damn straight.

I dunno. IC, you might want to ask MissIC if she wants you to wake up each morning trying to figure out how to prove your love for her and earn her forgiveness.

And fwiw, forgiveness isn't earned, only given.

well, perhaps i misspoke.

i meant that in a Big Picture kind of way.

I do believe in waking up each day with the with the what-can-i-do-on-my-end-to-build-this-marriage-up thinking, but not the idea that you must constantly be 'doing penance' or 'earn forgiveness' for your transgressions.

IC,

I haven't been following the boards particularly close lately and was just wondering how things were going with your cancer. If it's a touchy subject, just say so and I'll let it be.

My husband and I have a hunting trip planned for later this month and as I was going over the final details, you came to mind and I just wanted to check in and see how you and Miss IC were doing.

I'm serious about getting you guys out here someday. It would be interesting to see how an ole Michigan boy handles himself while staring into the eyes of a bear

Hope all is well

Cheyenne

Chey,

Hey, I was wondering what had become of you. Thanks for inquiring. Not a whole lot to report. I've actually got another chemo treatment this afternoon but not really a big concern with those anymore. There appears to be a small cloud on one of my lungs that they want to keep an eye on. It's got Miss IC a little on edge given my situation, but I'm not going to get too worked up over it until they know more.....I can't live my life that way, thinking that every little ache, or slightly abnormal test result is a sign that I'm a dead man. I'll deal with the cards as they fall, but I'm not going to speculate as to what they are before I see them lying on the table. Kwim?

Well, what are you and the hubby hunting for? I would love to get out there someday and experience the thrill of bear hunting....is there any particular time of the year that is open for bow hunting?

I'll tell Miss IC that you checked in. She is out of town right now. Her dad took a slight turn for the worse. She was really torn between staying to sort our sh!t out and going to be with her dad. She didn't want to leave me and the progress we seemed to be making, but at the same time, it's her dad. Right or wrong, I booked the flight and sent her on her way...


- IC

IC,

Sorry to hear that Miss IC won't be with you but it sounds like you have a firm grip on things. Is her dad going to be ok? Give her hugs for me. I'm quite impressed with how you seem to be handling the whole cancer situation. I've known quite a few people that have battled it....some have won! It seems that in every case that I have had witness to, the cancer seems to be all consuming to them. It controls their life, what they do and how they do. I don't sense that from you and that really impresses me. You have issues on the plate, but you seem to have prioritized them very well. I get the feeling that Miss IC and your relationship with her reigns supreme on your plate and that the cancer is just a small side dish. I think she sees that as well. Many hugs to the both of you. I love to hear success stories unfold and personally, I think you two will be there together to see all this come through and you'll be better, stronger in the end

Bow hunting for bear! You really do have a death wish don't ya? I'm sorry, but I don't have that kind of guts in me, I'll stick to my gun. What are you going to do if you miss? Or just get them enough to really piss them off? They're quicker than you think

- Cheyenne

LOL, Well Cheyenne...The way I see it, I don't necessarily have to out run the bear....I just need to out run you

Ok, I'm gonna keep this real short....anti-nausea meds are not quite holding up like last time. Thanks for the thoughts Cheyenne....I'll be in touch.

- IC