Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Countin down to a great 08

I think the dance night was a few things. I think it was a way to give W more time with the D's at my expense. The plan is for me to take them on Monday's. W will tag along for the first few (OM will not be allowed to attend.. even if I have to tell him myself).

The big deal is Monday the 7th. That's their first night. I have other plans and have no intentions on taking them.

I will not allow W to take them and I will get the law involved if MIL tries to pick them up from school and take them.

As a matter of fact, I will be speaking to the school on Wednesday to modify our "parental release" to where it HAS to go through me on Monday's and Tuesday's. Then it will be the school's ass as well. I'm itching for a reason to bust those idiots.

The other angle I could play is the fact that MIL paid for the dance classes without consulting me. It's my night (legally.. got the court papers to prove it), so I can tell Grandma to pound sand.

Their excuse was it was the only night available. I have no problem with it.. would've been nice if they would've OK'd it with me since it is my night rather than thinking "Oh.. it's for the girls, so he'll do it."

The other thing I see happening is W saying "Well.. I'm going to dance with you guys, so how about I take them home when I get off and I'll meet you there"

Part of me is OK with this, but motives, principles, etc.

I hate that this is the way things are.

I agree. It doesn't feel good to be underminded. I totally understand. W should have approached you with the Monday-only option and asked you first. You have the legal agreement on your side, that is very very good. While you are ok, of course, with your W spending time with your D's, you are not ok with how its happening.

So what do you want on Jan 7th? Do you want them to skip dance class and stay with you? Or have W take them to dance class, and then back to you? I am confused.

They will be going with me to watch the game. It actually works out for W. The following week I'll be in Chicago for work, so she'll have them all week. Including Monday.. so she can take them then.

Whew.. just took the girls shopping. My mom and dad got us a gift card for each of the girls.. just got $350.00 worth of clothes. I have no clue what I'm doing, but the lady behind the counter was impressed.

Document, document, document.

This is something you need to nip in the bud. If they had treated you like a partner, I'm sure you could have worked something out. Your W & MIL want to do what they want whenever they want it. It sounds like part of the problem in your M was that you did not have firm boundaries--trying to be a nice guy. I suffer from that problem too. This kind of thing will happen over and over if you don't stop it now.

Your W's strategy seems to be to dismiss your plans as "unimportant." Try re-focusing the conversation on the inconsiderate act of scheduling something on your night w/o your OK. It doesn't matter what your plans are, the fact is that you have your own life, and they were rude and inconsiderate by intruding on it without talking to you ahead of time. It also sets a horrible example for your Ds of treating people inconsiderately.

Another 180--why does your W need to come to the dance lessons at all? They occur on your night...just as she scheduled them, so you can take them. It might be a place to meet some nice women. Having STBXW there will really cramp your style.

Now is the time to draw some lines. No matter what happens in the future, you will have to live with these people for the rest of your life. Establishing the rules of the relationship will make your life much easier. You don't have to be unpleasant or angry about it, just firm.

Nut

Will your mom and dad adopt me????

And was the lady behind the counter cute or what??


nutfarmer (as always) made some great points about W dismissing your 'silly old plans'. That is inconsiderate and maybe you can point it out to her in a nice, jarhead sort of way.......

No... not cute. An elderly lady. Nice enough.

So.. W texts to say she will stop by between 6-7 to collect the rest of her money and see the D's. I told her to call because we may not be home.. friends of mine have presents for D's and talked about inviting us over. W freaked.. she responded "Where you going? Who's over there? I want to see the girls.. what about their bed time?"

I ignored it.. as well as the call with VM thereafter. About 45 minutes later, I texted "Busy.. give call when on your way. Looks like we'll be home. Call first."

She asked why I ignored her earlier text.. ignored that one.

She texted she was on her way.. 15 min ETA and OM was with her. He may or may not come in.

I responded "We just sat down to eat. He is not to come in"
She: "Whatever!!" Me: "My house, my rules" She:"Thanks for the pissy attitude. I thought things were going to change. When will that happen?"

I can come up with some curse words here.

I responded: "I did.. you didn't. I've been nothing but nice to you and it got me nowhere." She:"Bull-crap.. think again."

So.. she arrives.. attempts the garage code.. I changed that about a month ago. Rings door bell and proceeds to chew me out about not letting her know about the garage code. I said "I didn't think it was that big of a deal."

Lots of other stuff including her bragging to the D's about how she rode the philly today. The incredulous look on the D's face prompted this from me: "Did you forget that you promised the D's to go with?" Of course she fires back "You said you would call me and we'd figure it out." Now.. that's not what was said, and she showed up at 8:30 this morning. No plans whatsoever to take D's.

Then.. I asked about a painter that we had used.. I have some ideas and want to get some estimates. I admit, it was a needle in the eye, but I don't care. She responded "You trying to get rid of everything about me? I still care."

That pissed me off.. I said "No you don't.. " then cut it off.

She left mumbling something derogatory. Could care less.

BTW.. she was all whored up. Must be a big night tonight. Good for them.

Nut.. you are right. I'm not going to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore. I'm all about me and the D's. Could care less what her and her mom want. Not my issue anymore.

Gotta love it. She's still trying to control you.


Some friendly input here Jar..."My house my rules" would have been sufficient. You got sucked into an emotional argument that made you feel badly, and let her feel "justified" in having the last word.


Unbelievable! She seems to forget that it is your house.


Boo hoo hoo. Welcome to the grown up world.

I don't care about being right. I care that children have a responsible parent who thinks about the example that he/she is setting for them. You seem to be that kind of person. Twenty years from now when your daughters have their own kids, they will look to their own parents' example for how to raise them. They will remember that dad treats people respectfully and insists on the same in return. That is what you want to teach them.

Nut

Yep.. I just ordered "No more Mr. Nice Guy".

I absolutely have issues with setting healthy boundaries. I don't want to rock the boat. I know certain things are wrong, but I don't want to upset the balance.

I want to find that happy middle ground.. to be able to be a person who can set boundaries and have them be respected. I overthink things most of the time.. I try to think of action/reaction. They do this.. if I do this, then they'll just do this.. or I have no action to back this up.

I think the latter is my biggest issue. Example.. I don't want OM sleeping over at W's place while the D's are there. Problem.. I have no action to back that request. She will lie, cheat and steal to accomplish it and I have no recourse.

The other issue I have is.. I'm either nice, or I'm not. There is no in-between. I've tried treating her as a "stranger", but I don't like strangers.. maybe it's the Jarhead thing, but I ALWAYS analyze situations first.

Problematic realtime!

Hi Jar I almost posted to you last night. It's hard to see our level headed, NICE, Jarhead be yanked around by your W's inconsiderate actions. I figured you were p*ssed enough without someone pointing out that you're allowing her to yank your chain!

This is tiring and seems to go on forever. Our improvements truly are baby steps forward. You've done AMAZING with detaching, but hey, you're human. The key is to be detached around her, and beat your pillow and cry when you're alone.. vent here. You have a great sense of right and wrong. I can tell that your W's selfishness and lack of morals right now is eating at you. Wrong is wrong and right is right, huh? That's what made DBing so very frustrating to me. Any reasonable person would look at their actions and know that they're screwing up. Problem is.. their not living from their beliefs.. they're living to feel good right now. To hell with everyone else! The boundaries that are set with someone who doesn't care about the rules are for ourself. They're awfully hard to enforce when the other person is guaranteed to ignore most of them anyway.

Right now I think your best bet is to dig deep down (as you have been) and live by your beliefs regardless of what your W does. Whatever that is. For example: I'm going to show my D's that I can be kind and supportive of their mother just because it's the right thing to do. Or, I won't point out my W's mistakes in front of my D's because I want them to respect their M.

If you instill your beliefs and morals into your D's that's the best you can do to counteract the crap your W is pulling. I agree.. document, document, document. Allow the court to help you set the boundaries you need to protect your D's. Get back to the Jarhead that was detached and happy. You're going to have times when she just p*sses you off to no end. Allow yourself that but remember that you don't have to be pulled into the game. It's gonna be the same old crap until when/if she gets a clue. She's predictable.. she's gonna do what benefits her. You do what benefits you and the girls. BTW, great job on telling her that OM isn't to come into the house!! Maybe you could set that as a boundary.. he's not allowed in your house - ever. Then there's no need to discuss that in the future. Maybe you could tell him that he's not welcome in your house too.

Hugggs! Don't you start beating yourself up when you backslide a little bit. You're doing too well for that!

Sheila

Thanks piglet... that's the area I keep going left of center on. I can't control what she is doing. I have to keep the focus on the D's and me. If she comes around, great we'll see what happens. If she doesn't.. won't matter.. D's will be instilled with the best qualities.

You are right.. it's driving me insane to see her be this stupid. She wouldn't do some of these things before all of this. She is truly lost and doesn't want help from me being found.

I know this will all come crashing down on her at some point in time.

I'm sure it's the holiday's that are making this rougher than usual.

Thanks again all!!