Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Trixi movin' on up...

Hi Trixi,

Happy New Year! I am glad you're getting settled into your new place so quickly and that it feels very "homey" to you.

Oh the "security" thing I SURE know what you mean! It's funny how you can go for days or weeks without him there and feel secure but then suddenly you just don't. I hate those nightmares!!

Good idea to get a security system. Maybe you could also ask the landlord to change the locks, if they haven't already?

A few other things I did that helped me a little with the "security" issue:

- Keep pepper spray both next to the bed and near the front door. Make sure you know how to use it. I bought this kind: http://www.dtdistributors.com/fox.html because it's very highly rated and if you get the right one it can spray a long distance (I wanted to be able to, for example, spray it across the bedroom if I had to.. I didn't want the ones where you have to be really close to the person to use it!).

- Program your cordless or cell phone "speed dial" with #s you can call in an emergency. 911, nearby family or friends, hopefully before long your new neighbors. I have two cordless phones - I'd always keep one on or near me, and one right next to the bed.

- Get window locks if you don't have them already, and use them every night.

- Plant thorny plants like roses under the windows (assuming the landlord is cool with you doing this). Here's an article: http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/gl_trees_shrubs_other/article/0,1785,HGTV_3648_3059952,00.html.

Other stuff that we already had that works well:

- Motion sensor lights.

- Security camera(s) (real or fake.. if fake, make sure it's fairly large and obvious and has a light on the front). Here are some: http://www.homesecuritystore.com/ezStore123/DTProductList.asp?p=2_1_1_1_0_0_351 . I am consistently amazed at how well this works. Our neighbors get stuff stolen or vandalized pretty regularly, but we've never had it happen since putting up the camera.

I know... none of it's as good as having your H there with ya.. but hope that gives you some ideas. I felt a lot better just knowing I was TAKING steps to make myself safer instead of just stressing about feeling vulnerable.

H TM'd me this morning asking me to pick him up from the airport. My first thought was no, but I am VERY curious to catch up and in particular find out what is going on w/step son. (really bad situation over there and H had plans to do a confrontation when he got there.) PLUS, I want him to do a dump run with all my moving stuff and also hook up my gas for the torch, so I thought I could make a deal with him.

Then this evening we had this TM conversation:
(First a few different tm's with him clarifying the flight number and arrival time. (when he asked in the morning, it was going to be 11:30pm arrival.)
Then
H: Looks like 1am now delayed on runway
me: U owe me big
H: Yeah yeah what your not happy to see me
Me:OH- is *that* why you asked *me* to pick you up-because you're happy to see me?
H:Sure i was thinking about u and i missed u i know im driving u crazy right
Me: R u shtting me?
H: how do u mean?
Me: LOL I don't know. I'll talk to u when u r here since I am sure they want cell phones off soon- still 1am?
H: Yeah im being sneaky now berry berry sneaky
(that was one of our "jokes" that we would use.)

I put what he said in bold because WTF?????

When he asks how the move is going- am I honest? or do I just play up how cute the place is and how excited I am? He is driving me crazy. We shouldn't be getting a divorce.

((Trixi))

Twins once again...

My H: This is all my fault, I'm the one driving you crazy.
My H: I'm the one that caused this. (the anxiety attack/ambulance ride/ER visit)
My H: It's all my fault my family's being stupid. (them ignoring me at Xmas)

Sound familiar??

He's confused... he doesn't know WHAT the heck he wants.. but I think you being strong and independent is what's got him wondering.

Play up how cute the place is, how excited you are to be there.. if you can slip it in without being TOO obvious, how excited you are to have guests over (NO not male guests, but he doesn't need to know that). I really think that's what he's "looking" for right now. And it'll be good for you, too.

Thanks!!!
That was exactly what I was looking for. Time for me to leave to get him.

Hey-cute pics btw on your thread.

Oh, and if you enjoyed snowball dancing to backstreet boys, here's snowball dancing to huey lewis. The funniest thing is that the "dance" is completely different. Sillly Cockatoo

Picked up H at the airport. He was BIG smiles,big kiss, obviously very happy to see me, grabbed my hand to hold while we drove (which is "normal" for the old days) but he was very cuddly with my hand and kept kissing it. Kept looking over at me and smiling.
When he gets into the car (after the big kiss and hug) he says "You have some sort of hold on me; what is that about??! All day i just kept thinking about you and missing you". I gave him the knowing look of "well, duh; of course".

So we talked about what was going on the step son (I am skeptical of how things are going, but it's his thing to deal with- I wasn't there so I don't have the WHOLE picture), told me about drama with the sibs; how they were lucky enough to be right under the ball. At a certain point on the highway I took an exit while saying "so I'm taking you to your place....?" and he goes "no no- take me to the [our] house." We stopped for gas (low gas light had come on) and while it was pumping, he was leaning in my window kissing me. I still wasn't sure where I was going to take him. (No, really, I wasn't sure.)
I got back on the road and decided to go back to our old house.
"Highlights" of the conversation-
He said (AGAIN) that nothing is forever and I said that he keeps saying that and I don't understand WHY we have to go thru this when the thought sounds like we are going to be back together again eventually. He said that he needs to "find himself" and this is a growth process we need to go thru. I said that it appears he wants to get his ya-ya's out and that once that's done he sort of expects we'll be back together. He said that it isn't something as silly as ya-ya's- he isn't trying to sleep with women- "I haven't yet. that should tell you something." and I said I wasn't sure what it told me-but maybe that he was trying to respect the sanctity of marriage and that is why the big D rush. He wasn't sure if that was really it. I said it appears he is still "shopping" for someone new (he sorta denied it) and I said "look, if I was sleeping with a guy I met off match, I would expect him to pull his profile and quit looking. If I am going to have a sex with someone, I expect it to come with a real bonafide relationship." I also said that he doesn't look at me like he wants a divorce and he said "I know." I was telling him how cute my house is and how DD wants to come over and do her homework and have me help and he said "That'll be good. And I can help SS get on his feet." I said "Honestly, i wish we were doing this as a family" and he said "Me too. It'd be great if they were living at home and getting started in college. But it didn't turn out that way." WTF? Like this is being done TO him and is out of his control. Somewhere in the middle of the convo I said "You're gonna love my house so much, you'll be there all the time" and he said "Yeah, I bet will."

I don't feel crappy today (aside from exhaustion) for sleeping with him. Not sure why I don't feel so bad; probably because I have WAY TOO much hope that eventually our situation will work itself out- and that in the meantime, I can focus on me and helping DD get going in college. He can have the drama of dealing with StepSon.

Is it better to get a full divorce in this situation or should I suggest a legal separation? Does it matter? I'm not even sure how to articulate my question....H seems convinced that we must proceed towards D, but also (obviously) exhibits some fairly confused behavior. Is it wise to suggest an interim stop gap, or am I just delaying the inevitable? I wonder if I want to save 'this' marriage or just get rid of it completely and start from scratch later.

Happy New Year Trixi,

Your H certainly does exhibit some confused behaviour, it's one foot in and the other foot out, and then he shakes them all about! I'm not sure what he wants, except to keep all options open in some fashion or another.

I guess the most common bit of advice you read is that if you don't want a D then you should not actively help your WAS to reach that goal, which I guess is your position. I still think that you might benefit from setting some harder boundaries with him. Once again, he acts friendly towards you and the walls come down. If you are happy with that then that's fine for as long as it will last, which could be a long time or something could happen with you or your H that would change things. Have you considered what might happen if he did meet someone and fall for them? Would you see a change in his attitude? Would you wish your current/previous interactions were different.

Also consider, how do you feel? What do you want? Are you happy living as you are? Is the way you interact now better than no interaction at all with him?

Just playing devil's advocate a little. Hope you don't mind.

Max

Thanks Trixi! Can't wait to get home so I can check out Snowball's latest.

Max asks some good questions. I had a few others..



Ummm.. is this rule going to apply to your H, as well??



This threw up a HUGE red flag for me. You're going to CONTINUE to let him live "single" and shop around, while also keeping you safely stowed away in your new house, for him to drop in anytime he wants?? You just invited him to be your H when he feels like it and not when he doesn't. Did he invite you to c'mon over to "his" place any time, be part of his life whenever you happen to feel like it, too??

I think allowing him total access to you and your life along with his "single" life is a really, really bad idea for you, for him (ultimately although I'm sure he'd love it), and DEFINITELY for your M.

I think Max is right on with this: "I'm not sure what he wants, except to keep all options open in some fashion or another."

And you're allowing him to do just that. PLEASE don't do that to yourself. If he wants to continue to "see" you after you move - that's great!!! But I'd treat it a lot more like some new guy you just met and take things slow (not invite him to practically move in with you right off the bat!).

Also, given his past behavior and human nature in general.. I REALLY don't picture him being open and honest with you about his "dating" or relationships. That could totally screw up his "keeping all options open" big time. He MAY be honest with you, but would you ever fully trust him? (I can't imagine HOW?). Or, let's say he IS totally honest with you while he's off "finding himself" - do you want that role, either? Helping him pick out his new girlfriend while still being there as his W??

People tend to lie about affairs as it is.. the way he's setting this up, he almost doesn't even have to lie and he can STILL have both. Not healthy.

As you your Sep or D question - I'd file the least "severe" one that you need to protect yourself financially. That may even mean that you file nothing right now, if there aren't any financial worries.

Max- good questions. Very good questions-I assume there is no need for me to actually answer the questions, as there really is only one way to answer and it's that I will feel crappy down the road.



Well that sure put some clarity on things.

So, what am I supposed to say; one of the things he said last night is sort of a 'take things one day at a time' (probably code for 'don't pressure me'). If I say "look it's all of me or none of me" I am afraid he will see it as pressuring him.

I don't know why I can't see the reality of the situation. My BFF is IM'ing me right now and reading me the riot act. I can almost intellectually "get" what she's saying, but he makes me so oogley googley. When he is happy to see me, I just melt.

WHY can't I GET this?????? Worse, how come even my mind is rebelling??

Heya Trix,



You talked earlier in your post, about whether YOU need to push for divorce/separation. That's a very large extreme.
Maybe you would want to try smaller bits, first.

It seems like you've dropped your "i know you'll be back" talk with him. i think that's good [and it's kinda funny that he seems to be picking up the slack in that talk area! ]

Rather than jumping to the divorce/LS front, you might consider just telling him a variant of what you wrote above.

ie, maybe something like:


I still love you. i like being with you. I DONT like being continually also HURT by you, for going on [X] months now. I dont want to spend the rest of my life waiting for "well, maybe he'll come back. someday.

YOU may see divorce as a temporary thing, to absolve you of guilt if you screw someone else while you 'make up your mind'.
I dont see it as such a temporary thing.

Your attitude about all this, over so long a time now, makes me unsure that I really want to save this marriage any more.
If you cant pull yourself together now.. if you're such a victim to your 'feelings', that you cant say "I'm married, and I respect and love my wife; I'm going to get a grip", without going and dating other people to "get it out of your system" or whatever...

then I dont see any reason to expect things will be any different ,the NEXT time you have issues with your "feelings".

I dont want to be married to a guy who thinks its ok to go be with other women, because his "Feelings" tell him it's ok.
I want to be with a man who has integrity enough to stick to a commitment he made, called "marriage". Something that's supposed to be for the rest of his life, with no "breaks" when he "feels he needs it".



Hmm... I guess what I wrote, is tantamount to pushing for divorce, in its own way.
well, if you see something in there that resonates with you, hope you can make it fit your own wishes for yourself.


PS: I completely echo what NikiB said.
Ok, you've stopped with your "we'll be back together"... but now you're condoning what he's doing, by implying he has an open invitation to always be at your house, indefinately?!! yikes.

Hey all.
H moved my (his) bed, couches and other stuff into my new house last night. I feel like a hopeless case, to a degree, and "guilty" towards all the people who have been kind enough to help me thru this transition. Like I somehow 'owe' it to everyone to kick him to the curb. I don't think I need to explain *why* I feel guilty, right?

(When my mom figured out what happened, she said she was going to "go cry" after we hung up. And she meant that literally.)

I asked him what his deal was last night and he said that sometimes he thinks he knows what he wants and other times he is confused. He feels like we have been leading up to "this" for awhile and should go ahead and have the experience; that there are some lessons that we need to learn. I asked what exactly those lessons were and he laughed and said "if I knew *that* we wouldn't be going thru this." He said "am I supposed to feel bad because I love you, and I care about you, you're my best friend, I'm attracted to you?" and I said "of course not! BUT, given the situation, it is very confusing for me. We have the foundation!" He also feels like we have progressed so far down this path (me in a house) that we must continue to walk it. I can see his point, to a degree. He said that he just wants to take things slow/one day at a time; he doesn't know how he feels. I did NOT ask if he still plans to fast track things to get a divorce.

I still have a few things left at the other house; I don't really feel like going back there for awhile, though. The things that are there aren't critical for the immediate future. I have been living "between" houses for awhile now and am looking forward to not having to dig through boxes to find stuff.

One part of me is disappointed that the first night I spent in my house, I spent with him. The other part is glad that he was with me so that tonight won't be as weird and "new".

I am sure as I settle in, I will start to get my strength; find who I am. Maybe it's time for me to have my own mid-life crisis, cuz he sure talks like someone who is having one of their own.

Dom, I like what you said and if I felt that way (completely) I would say it. But I know of people that did re-marry after divorcing and I also know myself well enough to know that if I said those things *at this moment* it would be a lie. I also know that I might decide down the road that he isn't ever going to be "safe" and once divorced, always divorced. Who knows what some time out on my own will do?