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Hi Lan,

Would it help any if you were to articulate the positives in terms of "you" - that may help you see where there is some more ground to be gained?

Best - GFI

Hi GFI

You've got me looking deeper now (this is what I wanted).

Since putting the DB techniques into practice I've sat down and recalled some of the issues W had with me, which in my eyes were little niggles, guy things, but to her they were major issues. I've started to address some of these and I am feeling the positive benefits as I am getting comments from other people, male and female about how well I look. W puts great stock in my personal appearance and status and said that from a long time ago that I had let myself go and stopped taking care of myself.

So here goes.

I've have fully embraced DB, so interms of the bigger picture I knew I had to change.
I now see my faults as faults and not just guy things.
I listen to W when she talks, I do not force my opinion back onto her.
I understand good communication is key for any future we may have.
I have thrown out old cloths which I've held on to and have updated my wardrobe. (W used to comment on this).
I dress smart at all times, even my scruffs are decent scruffs.
Oral Hygiene is of a good standard (W used to comment on this)
Personal Hygiene is of a good standard (W used to comment on this).
I'm a modern man now, I use facial scrubs, shaving balm, cologne. Etc. it's not for show it's what I do now.
My alcohol intake is reduced.
I work out at the gym, lost 30lbs and look good, not quite got the 6 pack she wants but watch out this year.
I have made a new circle of friends go out more often.
My self confidence is back, I like what I see in the mirror.(so do the Laydeezze )
I have addressed some of my financial issue which were getting me down and this has made a lot more things possible.
I do my fair share of the house work, (sometimes too much) at first W resisted this cos she thought it was short term now she ok with it.
It goes without saying I take care of D6, but I have added a little discipline. (W said I spoilt her and no one else can control her).

These are some things I struggle with but am aware of their impact:-

I always leave cupboards doors open, don't know why, I just can't help it. It drives W mad.
I leave the key in the kitchen door when I lock it, W complains about security.
W wants me to drive a big BMW, it was my ambition but I can't afford it.
W get annoyed cos I make big plans and never follow through (see above point).

I guess W was right to think that I had become a bit of a slob, but she seemed to be the only person telling me. How can one person be right and everyone wrong (oh the irony).

I had a very good interaction with W after dinner. She talked about work stuff and I listened, then I talked about improving our finances and saving money and she listened. (Hey, we're talking about we and us things now). Then we discussed the possibility of buying a large LCD TV to fit on our kitchen wall, we have a large kitchen and this room is W pride and joy in the house. We went to bed and we continued to talk about buying this TV together and W says she's quite excited at the prospect of shopping for this TV at the weekend. (W loves shopping).

As I mentioned in a previous post W no longer puts maximum distance between us in bed and now actually faces me, so on a couple of occasions there was fleeting close contact with arms and feet. last week W would have jumped back, but the contact went unnoticed, if anything it was me who pulled back so she didn't get the wrong idea. I mean I asked for a hug at new year and got knocked back so I wasn't going to try again now. If anything I had the feeling she was going to ask me for a hug, but she didn't. So W says good night, (its normally me who says good night) then silence. After a few minutes W starts talking again about the TV so we talk a few minutes more before we finally go to sleep. W is very excited.

The thing I was thinking in all of this was, we are committing to buying an expensive TV together, we're also committing to long term decorating of the house, things we talked about before the bomb. Do I just go with this flow and see where it takes us, or at some point do I say Whoa !! what about all what's been going on, when do we sort out this mess ?

I mean I've been down this road before and I don't want to ignore things, sweep things under the carpet, I would prefer a proper resolution. The old me would have said no TV until we have major talks to see where we are going, then she would sulk, I'd get pi**ed off, then the whole circle of resentment and ill feelings would go round.

I need to break this cycle, I've got some big positives in my hand now but not sure what to do with them. I need help again.

This is a hard when commitment is lacking. W has your head in a guillotine but you must be extra nice to her and she can chop it off anyway.

If things are going well, and she seems happier, I'd keep my mouth shut. At some point she's going to bring it up on her own, or something will happen that pushes you both together.

I would simply keep track of everything that is going on (journal, post here, whatever works for you).

My simplistic view of this is if you can afford the tv and the decorating, go for it.

Hi ,

Brit I'm honoured by your response, you're a much respected guy on this board, John210 thanks for your simplistic input.

Jointly W and I can afford the TV so as we said to each other let's just bite the bullet and go for it. It seems W wants to get on with things which make her happy, long term "us" things, Pre bomb things, I wonder if she realises the implication and inferences. I'll post stuff on this board this keeps me up to date with what's going on.

W definatley seems more relaxed in her sleep, she's moving more to the middle of the bed, occasionally resting her feet on me. Even when I was in the other room she'd still cling to the end of the mattress and not move. Now its me clinging to the edge of the mattress so she doesn't think I'm trying any funny business in her sleep.

I'm getting a feeling now that W is relaxing more around me, awake or asleep.

Lan, Looks like you're on the right track and making steady progress. I like the insightful ways you are monitoring progress.

Dude

This is a scary ride, I have to watch and observer W, interpret her behaviour, but not over analyse what I see. One of the reason I shout out for help is I guess I want to see if others see what I see.

Once you get into close regular contact with your W this is what you will have to do.

But remember W will be watching you just as closely as you are watching her.

Dear Lan,

Late for work but have been trying to do a little catch up on your stitch. I think your W is like I was.....she is just now trying to reach a point that she is willing to be willing.

Quote:

"Let me back things up a little, W spent the previous night in other town at relatives with FIL & D6, the town where she first met OM. However at this point I make no assumptions or accusations. When W returned she had a face like a slapped ass, she was in a down mood, she didn't want to take up any of the many new year celebrations offers which we had, she just wanted to stay indoors in her night gown and watch a movie."


My first thouhts here were that she faced that the R with OM was really over. You have to realize that she is going to grieve for this man! I know that must be terrible hard for a H to accept, but it is just what it is! That is why she doesn't appear to be wanting to put 100% into the M. My H had the same complaint about me, but my heart was still with OM at the time and it was all I could do just to stay physically in the M.

Regarding asking for a hug......I don't know that I agree about this for a man. It may be okay for a female to ask for a hug b/c she is seen as the weaker vessal, so to speak......so what does that say for a man? I never liked for a boy to ask if he could kiss me, I just wanted him to do it or at least try it...lol. I know it is much more complicated in this situation, but I think you must give it much more time before you can expect much physical interaction. She has got to get through that grieving process. It took a lot longer than three months for me and I didn't have a PA. I think she will give you signals when she is ready for the touchy-touchy stuff.

I am concerned about all the spending she is doing. If you have the finances, that is fine if that is what you want, but if not...please be careful. You are trying to make her happy....you know she loves to shop, therefore she has you over a barrell. She could take advantage of you very easily. She may be tring to fill up her "empty" feeling of getting over the OM through shopping. Again....please be very careful.

I would like to talk more, but have to go to work.

Take care.