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I'm so sorry H4C, but I'm so proud of you for not calling her!

Sorry, you have to ride the rollercoaster with the rest of us, not a fun ride at all. Remember just keep detaching and live for you and your daughter.

So W texted me this morning... she wanted to know if we could chat today. I told her daughter and I were going to a movie today and wasnt sure what time I would be home (That really helped me regain some power by not cancelling my plans to talk to W).

She then asked if tomorrow would be ok, I said sure as I didnt have any plans.

Let's see if she no call/no shows again.

Hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Year!!!

H4c,

I am sorry she is messing you around but good for you standing your ground.

Hope this sorts itself out soon.

Foo.

Hi Hurtin,

I was just reading your thread and I feel for you. It's like you're not allowed to be content or to find some balance in your life. They keep coming back in every once in awhile to shake us up like we are human sno globes.

My suggestion is to not try to use your W or your M or even the things she has done to you to find your strength. Instead think about yourself and all the really great things about you that make you this great person, what you're good at, what a great Dad you are, what other people have said about you that's positive, things you like about yourself. Try to create a picture of yourself in the future as if you have moved on without your W, when you are ready to date again, and what other women would find attractive about you. That way you are focusing on you and your W can't take that away from you with the mind games that she is playing b/c this picture is about you and has nothing to do with her.

That's what I have been trying to do for myself for the past couple of weeks. My H isn't doing exactly the same thing as your W, but his tune has changed from wanting me back and wanting to communicate and work on our M to letting things coast and needing space. I got really excited and proactive when he wanted to work on our M, and as time went on and not much improved, I became worried, anxious and suspicious. Now I'm not sure why he is so lukewarm, but I suspect it may have to do w/ OW contacting him over the holidays. Since I can't do anything about that (we are S), and worrying about it just makes me crazy, this week I decided to do exactly what I suggested to you.

So I've been making a list of what's really great about me, and I've been more outgoing and friendly w/ people, men in particular, not to find someone else, but to boost my self esteem. I'm finding that if I smile and act pleased w/ myself, they notice and smile and chat w/ me and it makes me realize that I am actually pretty great. If my H decides to go back to OW, I am still great - he can't take that away from me. In fact, he loses a great woman. And I'm trying to hang on to that feeling so that no matter what happens, I'll be okay.

It's tough, and I have some crappy days, as you do. Going dark may not be the answer, but being neutral w/ your W and maintaining this "I'm great" state of mind will give you strength that you'll never get from thinking about the terrible things she has done to you. And maybe she won't feel that she has the power to shake you up and she'll either stop doing it, or seriously consider what she stands to lose.

Good luck and Happy New Year.

Holy cow... just had the heart to heart with W.

W wants to get back together. She said she was so sorry for all the pain she has caused me. She is still living with OM. I told her if she truly loved me, actions speak louder than words, that she knew what she had to do to show me she is for real (move OM out of her house).

She said that was a given. Ironically, OM called her while we were talking, she let it go to voicemail. I calmly said "do you need to get that? He might be worried about you." She said she didnt need "to talk to his ass" like she was mad at him.

I also told her that another deal breaker for me was her not taking her meds for bipolar disorder (she is truly a different person when on them).

She said she missed me, missed cooking for me, missed making love in the morning, missed when I would grab her boobs when she was cooking in the kitchen (she used to hate that but now she has come to miss it).

Im hopeful but really cautious if this is for real, I dont want to have my heart broken again. Also, Im uncertain if I should proceed with the divorce (to symbolize that our old marriage is dead), and remarry her.

I know Im getting ahead of myself but this is such a whirlwind of emotions.

She just now texted me "it was nice talking to you, IM hopeful we can make this work. I miss you".

My response "I miss you too. Actions." Actions meaning show me you're for real.

Any thoughts?

Bump. Any thoughts on my sitch guys?

I have had horrible Internet tonight....

WOW! Just WOW!! You have told her what you want, told her that she needs to take the action and you will be there for her. Let it sit for a few days and see if she is serious. I hate to even bring this up, but do you think she and OM had a falling out and she came running to you...

I hope not. I hope this is what we are all hoping and praying for. I want this for you.

I wouldn't contact her. I would make a serious list on what you would need to accept her back. And she (if she is willing) needs to make a list for you, what she needs from you. I can't wait to hear more.

I haven't read your sitch and it sounds encouraging, but it could be they just had a fight or something. Remember to "trust, but verify". There should be some conditions to getting back together,such as marriage consoling. You should have a plan to deal with whatever caused your separation.
I would not go through with the D, but probably leave it hanging out there while the reconciliation is going on.

Hurtin,

I'm so happy for you - bet you want someone to pinch you.

I would suggest that you go very, very slowly. My H said the same thing to me after seeing that I was ready to walk away from our M. I had previously spent the past 1.5 yrs trying to recover from his A, that I thought was over. But after discovering it was not over, I went dark, said I was done w/ our M, and I honestly thought I was. He went crazy, called me, texts to me, notes on my windshield, begging me to give our M another chance. It took some convincing but I decided to give him another chance.

Problem is, I forgot all my DB-ing and jumped onto the roller coaster. I did all the wrong things, talking about my feelings, talking about the future, asking for daily reassurance, questioning where he was and what he was doing, getting upset if I couldn't get him on the phone, pressuring him to want to work on our M. You'd think that was what he wanted, but it seems to have backfired. Now we seem to be back where I really want to work on M and he is lukewarm. He says the A is over, but his actions are not totally consistent. I have become suspicious of contact w/ OW over the holidays; nothing confirmed. His other actions are loving and tender. He is definitely moving closer to me, but not the way I thought he would.

Go slow. I would be sure of your own expectations in your mind, but I would resist giving her a list. She may become discouraged and feel like that if she can't do all those things for you immediately, she can't do them at all. My H expressed this discouragement to me on several occasions. It is a very long way from where you were to where you want to be. Think of all those baby steps you have to take to get there. She is likely feeling all kinds of mixed emotions, even if she honestly wants to reconcile. Don't scare her away and don't forget your GAL goals. If you equate this with a new relationship with a new person, which it pretty much has to be, take things that slowly, especially with kids in the picture.

I did not, and as a result I feel like my H and I have lost a month or two of progress, which may not sound like much, but to me it was everything. Now I have backed off and am not taking anything for granted. Still working on myself, but seeing H regularly. I'm trying to think and act as if we are dating, that way I'm still focused on me and there are fewer expectations and maybe I'm less likely to be disappointed by how slow things are taking.

I wish you the very best in this, and I believe you and your W can do this. Take the time to do it right.

FA

So only contact with W today was a text this morning:

Good morning, I didnt sleep well at all. So tired today. Just wanted to say hi. Have a good day.

I responded:

Good morning, yeah insomnia sucks. You have a good day as well.


I guess I was expecting her to be texting me all day after our conversation yesterday. Is she looking for me to pursue her? I dont think its a good idea to pursue her while she is still living with OM.

Am I expecting too much? Any advice?