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it does suck anne,
like i said i didnt want to come off to harsh but you are down because of the childish way he is acting and you are letting it get to you, sorry i forgot you were pregnant i am sure that adds to it. But eventually your H cant be the martyr or the victim anyomre, i look at my W and all of our friends say she is trying to play the sympathy card im the victim is her attitude through all this and for me i can just turn my back right now, you on the other hand live with him and have to deal with the victim bs every day so i feel for you. but at the same time i think Atlas is right his ego is smashed but i have noticed in your posts you do a lot to try and lift him up with not much reward from him, i still think he needs a C in a bad way...

Thanks atlas... I have to stop letting every little thing he says get to me... i really do. I'm trying, but obviously not succeeding. Good advice on the PMA... I will start acting asif now, so that by the time i get home, it's believable Really though, tonight should be fun. D's and i made little party hats and bought party poppers and noise makers. I've got loads of junk food and we are just going to have fun. If he wants to join us, good for him, if not, we will still have a good time, he can have his pity party in his office.
------- me whining/venting...
I remember thinking back at that time, when he was accusing me so regularly that i might as well, and then in the same thought that i could never share my body w/ anyone else. I used to ask him if he really thought I was taking my lunch to have sex. (he'd accuse me of that)he'd say no, i guess not really, but i guess he really did. I think part of his reaction to the EA was a "see, i was right all along, i knew you would cheat". I don't know how to deal with that without bringing up the fact that if he hadn't pushed me so far away and hadn't said he didn't want to be M anymore, it probably never would have happened. i obviously can't bee 100% sure about that (you never know), but I am 99.9% sure. But if i bring that up, i'm just defending myself again and blaming him for EA. It was my choice, my bad choice, and i'll never try to blame him, but there were problems before that and he just doesn't want to see that.

OK... so that's the end of my pity party for the day...

thanks all for snapping/slapping me out of it!

You weren't harsh... i always let him get to me. I hate to see the people around me upset or hurting. Knowing i caused the hurt, tears me apart. I can only do so much... I read on another post somewhere (don't remember - sorry) that the person who has an A has the right to say - i've done A,B,C,D that you asked me to. In return i need you to know that i need A,B,C. I don't mind jumping through hoops, i should have to, but eventually he has to step up and say, "i want this M to work. I'm willing to do my part in making sure it does. I will work towards this goal." Right now i feel like he is trying to make me feel bad cause he feels bad...

i can blame the pregnancy all i want, but i haven't had an emotional pregnancy yet, so i think it's just me letting his attitude and behavior get to me. I have to be happy to be me and be confident that I'm doing the best I can.

on a lighter note: I made a New Years Resolution w/ D3 today to make sure that I will make more time for doing arts and crafts with her and getting her into soccer and she will make sure her room is picked up everyday. We'll make a chart. Everyday her room is clean gets her an extra hour of park/activity time. She said "that's good mommy. mommy is happy when we play" Kids are amazing.

Ann,

I can't recall, but how much have you discussed the EA with him? It's not your place to bring it up, it is his. But maybe if you as a gift to him, don't bring it up tonight, just enjoy that time, but maybe in the next few days let him know you would never leave him, you made a mistake and if he has any questions you are willing to answer and discuss.

I don't know if this is the best advice, but if he knows that your an open book and he can look anytime, then maybe that will help. I have a million questions to ask W, and when I have she has answered, but usually one or two and I can't take much more and have to walk away. Trust me it is really reassuring to get an answer even though it hurts. Just keep trying to lift him up. He is in a real funk, sucks that you have to be the strong one, pregnant and hurting. But we are all in the same sitch of trying to be strong while so wounded.

Although, I have to admit I'm not pregnant, I hope. Although I look it and feel it. Lol! Better get exercising or I'm going to follow in Arnold's foot steps. I've already passed one kidney stone in my life, and I don't want do that again at all costs. Haha!

HI Atlas.

I don't bring it up. I avoid the subject like the plague. hehe.

When he brings it up (which seems to be more and more often) I've always tried to answer any and all questions he has without trying to shift blame or defend the EA. Occassionally I'll ask him if he's ok or if there is anything he wants to talk about, but that's only when he seems really down and doesn't want to talk. Even then, it only normally if I we have something to do and I want to make sure he has a good time and gets out of his mood. This is a huge 180 for me as I always used to ask him if he wanted to talk.
I've tried being brief in response sometimes, sometimes more thorough, but nothing seems to help. I'm just hoping one of these times I'll say something and he'll realize that I'm not going anywhere. i'm not looking for forgivness, i know that'll take lots of time, just understanding that if i was looking for a way out (as he often says i must be) i wouldn't be trying so hard.

OM was/is (whatever) hispanic, in the army, and online. Pretty much any commercial or tv show or movie we watch that has any of these thing in it makes him think about it. I don't acknoelege it, but i can sense the change in him. If he asks me questions, i answer. He thinks about it alot. He dreams about it. I don't get online when he's not around, if i have missed phone calls and messages on my cell, i play messages on speaker or just let him check them himself whenever he wants. I call him about 4 times a day from work just so he can know what i'm doing. i don't know what else to do.

I know i'm being whiny and I appreciate you guys trying to help!! i know that everyone here is having to be strong and fighting and hurting all at the same time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

I hope you all have a great night tonight. Be safe!!

Ann

I don't visit the newcomers much any more, and most of my friends over in mlc have moved to surviving. Things don't always end up the way we want. But I happened across your thread and saw so many things that could have come from my M many years ago when the kids were babies.

Let me share an observation. There are good and bad ways to communicate in a M. In the bedroom the communication almost takes on a whole new language and set of ground rules. If you don't both understand the language and the rules the same, everything just ends up creating snowballs of confusion and that leads to anger. Not initiating and not responding are just different ways of saying I don't understand, or I'm hurt and angry, etc.

Before you try to get him a book on foreplay, that he won't appreciate, have you read Mars and Venus? The first in this old series really does point out a lot of things men and women don't understand about daily communications. You would get a lot out of it. The second book I would ask you to read is MarsVenusInTheBedroom.

It makes references to things that you would not completely appreciate if you had not just read the first book. Then it deals with how mismatched communications in the bedroom are acted out in ways that hurt the M. It is not a book about foreplay, but it will give you some ideas of how to steer him your way. For example, how do you think he would react if you told him you were heading to bed early and it would be ok if he wanted to watch tv a while. However, you would probably just start without him and if he wasn't too late, you'd probably be ready. You will have his undivided attention.

After a little success you might mention the first book to him and refer to some of the humorous examples it uses to illustrate men and women hearing the same words two different ways. Point out that this got you interested in reading the next book about the bedroom but he must read them and discuss them, in order. Tell him you would be interested in him highlighting or underlining the things in each book that he thinks might have been contributing to trouble in the M. You should still have his attention.

The third book in order is TheFiveLoveLanguages. If the two of you don't understand the concepts in this one yet, it will be a real eye opener. These books should be required reading before someone can get a license to M. It takes more work to get a driver's license than to wed and parent. Paleeeeez!!!!

I am 53 and have had my life turned upside down.
My Xw of a 25 yr M is 49, turning 17 forever.
Our sons are 20 and 22.
The Div certainly damaged them both, even at that age.
Dreams have been shattered.

Things you two struggle to resolve early in your M will never leave and will become larger than life later. If you already know everything in these books, good, and I apologize for preaching. But if you haven't read them, please do. I gave a copy to a troubled couple across the street and when they finally got into MC, the first thing the counselor suggested was that they each read and mark up a copy to share with the other. I also gave them a set of Michele's LKA CDs. They are healing their M.

Good Luck to you both. I hope that you will both enjoy a Happy New Year.

Dear Ann!

Happy new year to you, sweet friend!

Was2sad,
I really enjoyed this last post... esp the part that not initiating/responding is just another way of saying i'm hurt or i'm angry.... thank you for that insight!

(((hugs)))
transformer

P.S. Probably the most awesome sex book ever is "The Guide to Getting it On". Do you already know it? I wish I had a stack just to hand out to everyone I care about.

I'm not totally familiar with your whole situation so I don't know if it is even appropriate to share with your H, but if you decide at some point a book would be helpful to you, maybe as a way to start a conversation, this is extremely well-researched, light-hearted, and most of all, has the most helpful attitude about sex that I've ever encountered.

Just a thought...

Was2sad - I know you don't come here often, so you may never see this, but Thank you! Someone recommended the Mars and venus book and I picked it up on Monday (haven't started it yet as i'm in the middle of another one). I'm very eager to read all 3. Pretty much anything I can do at this point that anyone thinks will help i'm willing to do. Getting H to read them as well could be a major task, but I'll try as you suggested, point out some funny examples and maybe he'll take an interest. I know that there are major communication issues between us. I didn't seem like there always were, but it's obvious now that was the case. I'm hoping to spend the rest of my life in this M, so I'm glad at least that I'm working on it now rather than not realizing now and having this come up down the road when it might be too late. Again. Thank you so very much!

I'll try that. I don't know how he'd respond, but it will certainly be interesting to find out.

Transformer - Thanks for stopping by. I've decided to hold off on books that relate strictly to sex for now. I think it makes him feel like he's not doing a good enough job and the last thing i want to do right now is take another shot at his self esteem. I'll probably read it though. Maybe after a little more time it'll be something i can share with him. Thanks!