Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Is verycrazy piecing or just crazy?

Well, heck J, I need to go and get dinner ready, and I will respond to your post in the morning. Man, I have to lay off the red red wine.

L

That dang song made me turn right on red one night and get sideswiped by an SUV, but I had not even had any, because I do NOT drink and drive just listening to the darn song. L

Yeah, J, maybe it is both, crazy and piecing. I know it feels crazy.
I don't have much of a resume to show for my life, just temp. work, PTA, which I do feel was important to my S's school and to him, I was on the board for several years, and loved the hard work. I did other various short term jobs or projects, but nothing earth shattering. Top hobby is reading, especially anything on history, and religion, and the criminal mind. Weird combo, huh?

So, I guess if I would finally get the stuff in for sub. teaching, and get going on that, it will help my getting a life or whatever.

And yes, you are right, I am a smartypants, always have been.
Good student, but knew the principal and his office very well.

As for the anger, oh sometimes I just want to pull my hair out, or break something. Usually, I just come here, because I have really come to rely on the friendships and advice here to keep me sane. I can skip it for days, but eventually I want to know if everyone is doing okay, whether I reply to them or not, I do read alot of people's posts, and am happy for them when things are going well, and sad when they aren't.
I think I am a social worker at heart.

And I have been wondering where your thread is. Are you going to come and tell me when you start one?

I would like to know how to not get my H riled up when he starts talking about his resentment. I do tell him I am sorry you feel that way, but sometimes it seems he just has to rant.
Or when he says something about my past behavior, that I know I should not defend myself against.

L

Hi VC,

This piecing stuff perhaps will always feel crazy...



You know VC, for my "guy" friends on the board I have thrown out there a little book called For Men Only - by Feldhahn. In fact, it was his wife (Shaunti) that wrote the first book in that series, aptly named For Women Only (FWO). FWO is a quick read (about 200 pgs) and might give you some insight to how your man feels. The books is based on survey responses which I think it great because it is grounded in some point of fact - but also the book is inspirational. Suggested reading.

For us LBS's, its tough to sometimes keep taking it on the chin about how "we" failed the M/R. I think you just have to allow the rant. As the WAS processes it all - it slowly becomes apparent what hand they had in the failure as well. But, it takes time. I think it took my W about 10 months or so to figure it out. But they get there. And no matter, for me, once I finally started to really DR/DB, I took a future focus anyway.

Be proud of your accomplishments - and whatever next phases of your life will bring and more good things will come. To quote a good friend, "what you focus on expands".

Sven

Do they REALLY get it one day that they too had a hand in it?
I hope he will get there. The only thing he has said is that he should have taken control years ago, and like the preacher said at church one day, that the man is supposed to lead his family and he feels he never did, but allowed me to.
Will he ever apologize for the affair? He has said it wasn't wrong. I don't let that occupy my mind, but now and then, I can't help but wonder just what he is thinking about that now. I wouldn't ask him, but I wish I could read his mind.

I took your advice, and just went over to amazon.com and ordered the book FWO.

And it is so tough to sit there and listen while he once again relives the past, telling me my mistakes again. I sometimes want to ask him if I ever did anything right. But his rants are getting less severe, so I guess it's a good sign.

L

For some reason I am feeling so down today. Nothing happened, but the whole situation just started hitting me again, and it feels like a really heavy burden is on me.
Why now, when H just told me the other day that ow went back to her H? And that at first made me feel like I have even more of a chance to save our M. But now, I just feel sad, and want to just sleep for a long time. Maybe it's just I am thinking too much about everything, or maybe I don't 100% believe H about ow.

L

hey vc,

if he doesn't think it was wrong, why wouldn't he do it again? I mean, how can you feel safe or rather, how can HE expect you to feel safe? I know, we all have to trust them to some extent, but he must admit the trust has been broken by HIM, even if he thinks he was justified. So, what's his "plan"? He'll be faithful as long as you don't make him mad? He'll "take control" more, and you'll....do what? Obey? Look the other way?

Hey, VC, I am not ragging on you to leave the guy. You said yourself he was a good guy and this shocked you. Crushed your son as well. That says something. Maybe h's self image cannot reconcile with the behavior. At some level, we have to love ourselves enough to look within and see the defects, taking inner moral inventory and make amends....etc. I believe in that stuff, and find that people who've been through a 12 step program of some kind, and make it, are really honest and humble.

Hard for a policeman to be humble in a way. Like a doctor, fighter pilot, takes a certain machismo/cockiness and confidence, even if it's faked a little...??
It hasn't been a year yet and it still is new to both of you. Of course you still have anger. Of course he has shame and that is a tough bitter pill to swallow for him. Much better to still blame you. As long as you keep on countering his negative justifications with the new you, and refusing to fuel his anger. .. modeling forgiveness, committment for your son too...

in the face of such unconditional love (while enforcing healthy boundaries), if he is healthy enough, you'll hear the words you need to hear. In his love language.
hang in there,
j-

VC,

Are you feeling any better today?

Maybe a romantic evening would make you feel better?

ch,

with her h? Jk....hey VC, h's heroes called me yesterday to ask me for my "ballpark" number/job etc. I said stuff like fair market value, listing how much they spend on lobbying, legal, business development plan, etc. They said "no matter what, we know we can't pay you what your worth,: blah blah blah....

Actually a part of me hopes their number is insultingly low so h comes back here. I love it here, it's close to where d18 will be in the fall, d9 loves her school here, now....damn why is this so hard? Major flare ups of fury at h, and mostly not expressing them. Last night, all time record for insomia. Took 2 ambiens and a restoril. Woke up before the alarm went off, but better than the past 2 days. WTH?

OMG VC, what if this is menopause? Could it come on so suddenly? And could the timing be worse?

Back TO YOU....how are you? Hope my post didn't bum you out. I really do have hope for you and h. And your son. You are raising a future h, you know? I bet he'll be a good one. I might even let him date one of my d's. BTW, maybe, maybe ask your h (maybe make up how we met, Auburn Bama game??)

d18 is tall and lean and beautiful. No lie, just saying she's a model. Can't explain the height since I'm 5'3 and we weigh about the same (I'm not fat....or bitter).

SO, this guy ha been pestering her for months. Asking her out, complimenting her, awkwardly...she has NEVER gone out with him. But she isn't "worldly" like she doesn't get when someone is weird until the obvious shows. His emails, (12 the past 36 hours) are increasingly desparate, and he curses his life. This past week he has gotten really angry at 1) boy who sat next to d, instead of stalker boy and he cussed at the kid, IN class, how weird is that? 2) when d went to class in the 'company' of another, stalker boy slams doors so loudly that it broke glass,

3) interrupts her when she is talking to any other boy, and demands an introduction. Says "so, who's your friend?" in a menacing way, and the poor guy she was talking to was from Young Life, the Christian youth group she's in...
I had a bad experience growing up so I'm kind of jittery about wackos.
I grew up in an upper middle class place, not rich, but nice. When I was 16, my friend Becky and I both had older sisters who were seniors, and little sisters who were in junior high. Her older sister broke up with her bf of one year, at the start of senior year. "John" wallowed and wallowed and followed and followed, crying, pursuing, etc. 11 months later she had a date with another guy and late that Sat night john came over crying and said he'd kill himself if she didn't take him back. She went upstairs to Becky and said "wtf do I do with him? He's threatening suicide." Becky doesn't know exactly what her reply was, but she was irritated and afraid John would wake their family with his whining and noise. Said something about not "waking up dad and mom up". So her sister goes back downstairs and 5 minutes later screams. He's stabbed her, and she died on the living room floor. He ran away and her parents were yelling "What have you done?!" It was a shock, to say the least. So, yeah, I'm paranoid. No threats to d18 yet, but then, Becky's sister didn't get threats made either. KWIM?

What I remember most was wondering how the hell we had all missed that he was this odd/weird/ guy, or had he just changed, gotten sick, was he always a nut that we thought was "harmless" and "intense"? Thoughts? Sorry if I'm hijacking, just got another email from him and I ANSWERED for d18 saying, "I've been polite, honest and clear. I have no interest in that type of R with you." d

okay?

Take care,
j-

Hope you are feeling better today hon, the blues will attack you here and there, remind yourself that...

Forgive and forget is a myth. You may never forget AND you can choose to forgive. As life goes on and you remember, then is the time to once again remember that you have already forgiven. Mentally forgive again if necessary, then move forward. When we allow it, time can dull the vividness of the memory of the hurt; the memory will fade.
Always remember that you are human. Sometimes people do and say hurtful things. It is important to focus on what you have done to learn from the experience.

"In this life. . . we are unable to forget whatever remains unforgiven. So, if we won't let go of some pain - whose time has now past - then who is to blame for the weight of this burden still being carried on our back?"
Guy Finley


Forgiveness is a creative act that changes us from prisoners of the past to liberated people at peace with our memories. It is not forgetfulness, but it involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury.

There is no future in the past. You can never live in the present and create a new and exciting future for yourself and your love partner if you always stay stuck in the past.

Begin again! It is truly impossible to start new and to make clear, healthy, life giving choices until we have let go of past hurts, confusion and resentments. Old wounds have a drawing power and pull our attention to them over and over, taking energy and hope from us, preventing us from starting again. Old wounds raise fearful spectres of the same thing happening again in the future. For this reason it is so important to spend time understanding the true nature of forgiveness, and what it really entails.

To forgive means to "give up", to let go. It also means to restore oneself to basic goodness and health. When we forgive, we are willing to give up resentment, revenge and obsession. We are willing to restore faith not only in ourselves, but in life itself. The inability or unwillingness to do this, causes harm in the one who is holding onto the anger.

"The only upside of anger is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they are not afraid of the journey. Someone that knows that the truth, is at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and sits and in it's wake leaves a new chance of acceptance and the promise of calm."
From the movie, "The Upside of Anger" starring
Kevin Coster and Joan Allen


If you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself. You CAN let go. . . and forgive! It takes no strength to let go. . . only courage. Life either expands or contracts in direct proportion to your courage to forgive. Your choice to forgive or not to forgive either moves you closer to what you desire or further away from it. There is no middle ground. Change is constant.

Want peace of mind? Forgive. The same energy you use to hold on (to not forgive), is the same energy you need to create a new and exciting relationship TOGETHER; a relationship anchored in unconditional love.

Forgiveness is the most important single process that brings peace to our soul and harmony to our life. All of us, at some point in our lives, have been hurt and wounded by the actions or words of another. Sometimes the grievances have been so great we thought, "no way, this I cannot forgive!" Resentment and hostility can run so deep that forgiveness becomes very difficult. We feel we have a right to our indignation!

However, living from resentment takes so much effort. It creates a tremendous void in and around us. All the toxic feelings of hatred and resentment stay bottled up inside and eventually seep into all the areas of our life with the result that we become bitter, angry, unhappy and frustrated. And so, living from forgiveness becomes a necessity. Not that this is easy; it isn't. But we cannot keep ourselves in the flow of good if we hold another in unforgiveness.

I'm not sure who to attribute this quote-- I heard it on Oprah (lol) one afternoon-- "Forgiving= thank you FOR GIVING me this."

At first it's tough to wrap your head around, but if we look at the gifts we have worked for and stumbled upon, the growth, the strength we didn't know we had. Becoming better people and better parents. Taking leaps we wouldn't have. It's kind of cool to concentrate on the positive in that statement.

There is a reason for pain, it shows us what is broken.

I hope you're feeling better L, I too am having one of those days that I'm overwhelmed with life and all the "character building" moments I've endured lately. Talking to SB while he did his laundry didn't even really take the weight off my chest. Guess I need to find a good comedy to watch and open a bottle of wine. UGH... I HATE trying to do this long distance. Gotta go map out some houses for him to look at but I'll check back soon and hope to find you're feeling better (and then find out how ya did it!)