Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Long and Bumpy Road 2be continued...

I have been analyzing every word of last nights conversation. I always do and have come up with.....nothing. My guess is that he was panicking that I had pulled away so much that he really thought he was not going to be a part of her life. He said its been building but the last 2 days had been tough. I asked why. He said that this is not how he wants his life to be. Xmas you are supposed to be with your family, etc. It took everything I had not to yell....this is all your doing jackass!

I am so scared to let him back in emotionally. I almost need to see proof. I guess go about my GAL and PMA etc. I can't say he was overly affectionate or loving. I just worry this is all for the benefit of the baby and he isn't really invested in our R. How can you tell?

Hmmm.....WAS' are their own breed and species thats for sure.

Yesterday he sent some texts saying he enjoyed coming over the night before and liked our talk. I just replied with a short...I did too.

Later in the day he said "Sperm Donor wanting to say hi" I am guessing it was about his comment he made the night before about being demoted to just a sperm donor.

Last night he sent another....It was a pic of the baby during an ultrasound we had awhile back. The text wrote..."I can't wait." I actually didn't get that text for about 45 minutes after he sent it as I was outside.

He then sent one saying he would try and stop by today before he leaves to say goodbye. He is leaving for the weekend to go hang out with his brother whose wife is gone and go hunting...and probably drink and party some.

I was sort of bummed and I can't figure out why. Was it because he knows my kids are leaving for the weekend too with their dad and I am going to be completely alone all weekend? Was it the fear of him and what he possibly will be doing when he is gone? Was it because he seemed so unhappy and missing us Xmas, but really isn't making any effort besides some more text messages to do anything different? I guess its a combonation of all of them.

I did have to laugh yesterday...I was talking with a girlfriend who was at a xmas party the other night and the subject of OW came up in the group. I guess her new nickname is "Homewrecker". Evidently everyone in this conversation was trash talking her about how inappropriate and bad it was that she and H were still talking and she was still pursuing him. They were also trash talking H as well though which is deserved. It was just sort of nice to feel like I am not crazy in thinking this is wrong.

Just be cautiously optimistic. It's nice that he is being nicer. Take this weekend for you. Do something nice for yourself. Don't worry about what HE's doing.

My IL's call the OW "Bimbo". I love that.

I hope that you are doing okay, today. You sound ok. A new year is just around the corner. New babies. New lives. Lots of changes.

Why can't I be positive? I just flat out don't trust the guy. I don't trust him to be faithful and I don't trust what he says to be true.

He just left. He came by to say goodbye before he left for the weekend. Oh boy! How fun. I was a bit standoffish and he was struggling for things to say, I could tell. Its almost like we are strangers and very uncomfortable around eachother.

I got to thinking about his words when he constantly tells me to let him know if I need anything....It irks me because I believe he is talking about doing things like running errands for me, or doing things around my house, bringing me food etc. But that is not what I need from him and that is why I get so frustrated and pull away from him. I need him to be there emotionally. I need him to stand up and be a husband and father. I can run my own errands and get my own food.

So he is gone until Sunday. PMA for me....going to try.

I get what you are saying about feeling like a stranger. Sometimes that happens with H and I, too. Just let it go. It's not always like that, right? I think there are going to be times when it feels forced. We may not like it, but the only other option is to NOT see them.

Get some rest. Re-group while he is gone. PMA. I'm trying to gain one of those today. Not having too much luck.

Just got some texts from him. He mentions me not feeling well as I just had a shot today that made me kind of queasy:

H: Sorry you are feeling so bad. In a few months it will all be worth it.
Me: It already is worth it. She is the biggest blessing you have ever given me. Thank you.
H: No, thank you. I am so excited it takes my breath away.

Ok, wtf? I know he loves this baby and I am happy about that. I know how excited he is, but what I would love to hear is that he loves me too. He has said it...but not as much as he tells me how much he loves her.
So he is excited to bring a child into this world, unmarried, and be a part time dad? That is what he is excited for?

Ok, blindsided...I am overthinking something.

Just got a text from H. He is on his way to his brothers for the weekend.

H: Just passed our hotel.

Our hotel is the first place we ever got together. I have always found it sentimental every time we drove by it but he never has. Why all of a sudden he finds it memorable? I haven't replied yet, but I do want to say something sweet. I am so afraid to get my hopes up because he could go back to the a** he was before.

I think it's okay to say something sweet. It's obvious he is reaching out to you. As much pain as you are going through, I would love my H to tell me he loves me or even that he loves the baby. It's like we don't really exist. This baby isn't real to him, yet. That makes me really sad. He is so wrapped up in his own little world that he doesn't see the world he is leaving behind.

That was a nice, thoughful thing you H sent you via text. Text him back and then don't over analyze it. Keep me posted.

I may have to journal/vent to you all this weekend.

After my last text about the hotel yesterday afternoon I haven't heard from him again. I am sure he got to his brothers by about 7 at the latest. No call to check in. Nothing. This is the stuff that drives me crazy. No consistency. Am I being too picky here?

I was talking with a friend of mine last night about my sich. She asked me if I was constantly looking for things to be wrong and pick out little things he was/was not doing. She also mentioned that if I was always brushing him off and never giving him anything in return that he will give up. So now that has me thinking. I am so afraid to stick my heart out there again just to have it smashed. He hasn't really proven himself sincere yet. Maybe its easier for me to keep him at a distance and unintentionally hurt him before he hurts me.

Woke up feeling lousy today. My kids had this flu bug over last weekend. I really hope I am not getting it. Being pregnant you can hardly take anything and I am a miserable sick person to be around.

You're not being picky, but someone posted that we should quit reacting to everything he does or doesn't say and do. You can't control the fact that he didn't text you again. Did you text him back after the hotel comment? Just curious. Hopefully, some of the more experienced DB'ers can answer your question about pushing him away and keeping him at a distance. I have no idea.

Hope you feel better.