Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Just getting started peicing it back together 2

Replying to OldFool, SOTS, GH, and toughlover.
You all are right on. except the fact that this started for me in Feb. 06 and has snowballed until Aug. when we seperated. I have to admit I have doubts once in a while of why I am trying so hard to hold my marriage together. I think after this weekend, I have realized, I can't hold this together if she doesn't want me to. I can live my life the way it is right now and see what the end result turns out to be. I am not going to go look for a new bride or even another woman for companionship. I would not do that even if I knew for sure I was getting a d. I went away last weekend and left my phone at home. W tried to call 3or4 times and didn't leave messages. I checked my messages over the weekend to make sure there was nothing wrong because we have 2 children. When she left no messages, I did not know she tried to call until I got home and seen the missed calls. I did talk to her sunday night and told her I felt like I was walking away from something I should not be walking away from. After I said this her attitude toward me has been a little different from the last couple weeks. She seems to not be as cold and she is calling me a couple times a day to see how I am doing. I told her the reason I left my phone was because I needed a break to get my mind straight. I have been nice to her and I let her know that I care about her but other than that I haven't said much. Mostly validating and listening. So to answer you guys, I love my W and I want to keep my marriage, I just need to hear from other people that I am doing the right thing. All my friends and family tell me that there is no use and I need to move on. I don't know how much more moving on I can do at this point. I live by myself and go to work everyday, make my own dinner, wash my clothes, fix up my place a little every day and I seem to happy with what I have. What more moving on is there? Thanks for all of your advice and I will be posting more as things change for me. Good luck to you all and know that I include all of you in my prayers nightly.

Not much time Jerst, but...

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I don't know how much more moving on I can do at this point. I live by myself and go to work everyday, make my own dinner, wash my clothes, fix up my place a little every day and I seem to happy with what I have. What more moving on is there?

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Simply put, they want you to fcuk some other woman to get your W back for hurting the man they love. Reasonable desire, but not really productive or helpful. I think you are 100% right to resist that urge.

GH

If your post is a true representation of your present state, then I think you have come to a good place. I have often prayed for clarity for you and it seems you have achieved it.

As for "moving on", I think some people believe it can only mean a R with another person. I don't agree. I think you have moved on (in a healthy sense) already. There may be a time for a new woman in your life, but don't worry about it. You'll know when it's right and you'll be doing it not because of a crippling emotional need or to "show her", but because you are simply ready to share your life with someone else.

Continued peace to you, friend.

Yeah, more dittos.

In my opinion, and it's only my opinion, the only moving on you need to do right now is get yourself as far down the high road as you can, for yourself, and so you will be a source of strength, peace, and guidance for your wife and kids as needed.

The only time to get involved with someone else is if your spouse divorces you against your will. Again, just my opinion.

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I just need to hear from other people that I am doing the right thing. All my friends and family tell me that there is no use and I need to move on.

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We all thought my cousin had lost her mind when she took back her cheating H who after having a PA spent so much money they had to sell their home to pay off his debt. We all thought she was making the stupidest desicion ever, NO one understood her. Only now do I see her point of view, after taking back my debt ridden cheating H, only now I understand, being in her shoes.

So don't let anyone tell you to take the easy way out, only people who've BTDT can truly see that what you are doing is the right thing, that you aren't bailing out and are fighting to keep your vows, your M together. So here it is from me, you are doing the right thing.

Hi jersting. Didn't make it through all the replies, but I wanted to address a few comments you made. I'm sure some of what I write will be redundant with what follows from others, but I wanted to reply to you; I'm still watching you, and hoping for the best for you.

I'll quote you in bold.

I have to admit I have doubts once in a while of why I am trying so hard to hold my marriage together.

I can't/don't want to put words in your mouth as to why, since you list some answers below, but do any of these ring a bell?

• You want to maintain a whole, loving family for your kids
  
• You still love your wife
  
• You believe in honoring your committments to W and your M
  
• You don't believe in taking the easy way out, even if it's less painful

I'm sure there are others. Maybe you should write out a list and keep it to look at when you start to have doubts?

I am not going to go look for a new bride or even another woman for companionship. I would not do that even if I knew for sure I was getting a d.

I suppose this depends on the person and the circumstances, but I can't imagine that it's a healthy or a good idea to jump into a new R until well after you've had time to recover. From what I hear, the normal time frame for this is 1.5-2 years for most people, but what I don't know is when they start the clock ticking for that (i.e. first sign of trouble {i.e. separation}, divorce final, divorce court app.? etc.)

I did talk to her sunday night and told her I felt like I was walking away from something I should not be walking away from.

I'm glad you feel this way.

I just need to hear from other people that I am doing the right thing.

You're doing the right thing (IMO).

All my friends and family tell me that there is no use and I need to move on.

Maybe this says something about your intestinal fortitude, the strength of your convictions, and the ability to make a stand for something you beleive in. Perhaps theirs too (not to speak ill of your friends and family)?

You decide to do the right thing for you and your kids.

I don't know how much more moving on I can do at this point.

If moving on means getting to a place of happy GAL detachment, then you usually are there.

If it means finding another woman, I don't think that's probably a good idea for most, as I wrote above.

I seem to happy with what I have. What more moving on is there?

Probably not too much more, except that I recently heard that there are three ways you start to heal:

1) The duration between your bad times gets longer
2) The intensity of any one bad episode gets less over time
3) The duration of any one bad episode gets less over time

Thanks for all of your advice and I will be posting more as things change for me. Good luck to you all and know that I include all of you in my prayers nightly.

Thanks for the updates, I'm hopeful you will have posts of increasing frequency with good news in them.

I hope the best for you. Take care,

J, I just wanted you to know I appreciate your comments on my thread and I'm following yours now.
-BB

S.O.T.S.
You sure are getting good at listening and validating. I know how good you have made me feel after reading this, I am sure if you are this way around the people you are close to, I am sure you are going to have a great life at some point.

I just don't get it sometimes. My W comes in every day to pick up the kids from my work after she gets off work. When she comes in she is real nice to me and the last few days she has been given me open mouth kisses and she is the one that initiates it. I don't ressist, but it drives me crazy that she can do this and then walk out and not know if we will talk again until the next day or two. She has been calling every night and we talk about anything but us. I wish I could understand what she is going through a little better than I do. She knows I would be willing to start puting things together so I could get back into the house and yet it is like she don't want me to come home. It is like she wants me to just be here for her mentally and physicaly unless she has something else she wants to do and then she treats me kinda sh..ty.

Jersting..........how are ya......how are things going for you?