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Does this mean you don't know what your boundaries ARE when you enter a R, or that you know what they are, but don't have the need to spell them out explicitly until you "care enough and have the strength" etc.?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding this, but it doesn't make sense. For example, my new boundaries are refusal to accept excessive drinking in my partner, rudeness, lack of affection.

So if I start dating a guy and he throws back six beers in two hours, I'm outta there... but (according to what I said) do I tell him that's way or just bolt. Or the first time he's rude and bites my head off for no reason... no longer will I make excuses and put up with it.

I guess I really don't get what you meant by your statement.

I know people like that. It IS compulsive, and they always go back to it in times of stress, crisis, depression, etc, no matter how often they promise they won't do it again.

Not LT or even Medium-term R material unless you're addicted to emotional drama, which I somehow don't think you are.

I don't know if this was what MJ was getting at, but it seems reasonable that one would have "hard general boundaries" and "relationship specific boundaries" that develop as the relationship does. For instance, "No drunks" is a hard general boundary. But one's boundaries regarding a partner's same-sex friendships might be set in different places depending on whether they had a clean slate on past infidelity or not. That's not a great example but it's all I could think of for the moment. I suppose another example might be if you had a general disinclination to babysit a man's puppy. But your tolerance of that might be greater or lesser depending on what else you were getting out of the relationship and how well your bunny was getting patted. Or if you stayed with a husband who credit carded you both into bankruptcy, you might thereafter have a "no debt" boundary in that relationship, whereas shared debt in moderation wouldn't usually be an issue for you. Just spitballing .... and Lil, congrats on the castfreeness of life.

MJ .... S. and I were discussing the Mojo Theory of Animals Both Wild and Domestic today. He was presenting a chronological view of the zoo .... puppy to monkey to wolf. I said, without thinking properly, "So, does that mean if I play with your monkey long enough, I get the wolf?"

Much monkey-style hilarity ensued.

Howzit feel to be famous?

Corri,

Good gracious. I'm sorry for the end of the R and for the reason it ended. Ya know - I think sometimes for a lot of people (primarily over analyzers and internalizers) the computer is like crack. So many different needs can get met. If you don't like what someone says you just shut them down and talk with someone else. If you want to get your anger out you can just flame away. If you don't want anyone to know that you are gay you just have gay sex via the computer. It is so sad and I am beginning to feel it is epidemic.

At any rate. Merry Christmas! You have the gift of knowing you are better than having to stick around for that.

Karen

PS Merry Christmas MJ and all who visit this thread!

Mo:



Fckbddy vs. lover. Headscratch... okay... yeah... I see the dif. But I'd like to add, for the record, that just because you remain emotionally detached does not mean you are ruthless. (It probably can feel like that to the other person, though).

Having a lover involves way more fantasy, yeah.



I get that.

I went onto match.com yesterday, for the heck of it. I don't think I'm ready for that yet...



I think you might be misunderstanding your own boundaries. For example. One boundary of mine involves manipulation... I won't be manipulated.... however... there are all kinds of levels of manipulation, and deciding if/when someone's manipulation has crossed that line or not is what gets a bit tricky.

Yes, I want someone who is honest (with me and themselves). Being honest is really, really, really hard, and there are times when you don't KNOW that you are just kidding yourself... so... it takes some time and patience to hold the line on this boundary because honesty is so hard. But... intentional lying violates it immediately. (depending on the intentional lie... like someone lying because they are planning a surprise birthday party, or to 'cover up' crap behavior.)

So I would imagine you have more boundaries than you think you do... but, like you, I don't know if you sit the other person down and go through them... because... boundaries aren't about the other person... they are about you.

Merry Xmas! Santa brought me 4 e-mails from men who want to date me. My cow is sad that so many puppy dogs are alone at the holidays but there is only one of me and I've decided thumbs down on polyamory so some decisions must be made (sigh).


I think I'm confused on the whole boundaries concept because of the odd way my relationship with GP ended. When he said that I was "the least vengeful woman he ever date" it was really just a reflection of the fact that I decided that I didn't care enough to want to "tend fence" and thereby lead him on. Basically our relationship ended with the same kind of conversation that might go on between an employer calling to apologize that he hadn't gotten back to an applicant in a timely fashion and the job applicant politely signaling that she had decided that she wasn't exactly sure that the position was right for her either so no need to apologize. Okay, that wasn't the greatest analogy because what I was trying to convey is that the "not getting back to me in a timely fashion" would have been something I would have verbalized a boundary about if I cared enough about getting the job but because I was ambivalent about the job for other reasons I didn't.

Anyways, my whole lover vs. f*ckbuddy vs. BF theory might just be a little something I came up with simply because I am in denial about something else. The analogy might have something to do with how people become addicted to heroin or maybe how people become addicted to sushi.

MJ,

There are a lot of lonely puppy dogs out there. Just remember that once they have a few good meals and a warm place to sleep sometimes they try to take over the place. I envy you and Corri because I feel that both of you have a tremendous opportunity. You have the opportunity to "try before you buy" as much as you want or need. I am not particularly worried that you will throw a keeper away in haste. I think that at our age every pot is bent it is merely a question of whether that bend matches the ding in your lid. You are both lovely ladies, intelligent, self aware and you will have absolutely no trouble finding a puppy that will rub up against your leg. Just remember to have fun.

What will your New Year dating resolution be?

Karen

Try to date some white guys even though I don't want to.

Then why bother?

Karen

*spontaneous giggle*

Life is really tough, Mojo. I feel for you.