Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

Take the power back that you have given up to OM and the 'the phone bill'.

Realize that if she has many calls to OM on the bill then she's a doofus(tm) for acting so pathetically '17 years old'.

In fact, the more short calls there are, the more I would start laughing. Really!

My W had all kinds of 1 minute calls to OM and he rarely called her back. Obviously she was leaving a message and he was not calling her as much as she was calling him. What a teenager she was.

At some point you have to re-frame some of this BS and realize the 'dark humor' in it.

You are a much more powerful man than OM is because, well, you don't have to chase married women in MLC. What kind of man can't find a woman who is single and emotionally stable to date?

These OM's are all a joke. And sometimes it's even funnier when you take a hard look at the WAW and her behaviors in these situations.

You should read my thread, my W said some pretty wacked out stuff.

Lighten up a little. See this for what it is.

It's interesting that you say this because most of the calls to OM that were on the last phone bill were short. It caught my curiosity then....hmmmm

Well, here's today's update:

W called me and asked if I wanted to goto S6 xmas recital/party at his school. At first I said I couldn't but then called her back & said I really wanted to go. Worked out a good plan & W picked me up from work early.

Things between W and I seemed pretty friendly & cheerful for the most part. We did get on a brief conversation in car about her thinking that I had a problem with her going out with friends to have a good time. I think the conversation started regarding the trip in FEB that she was invited to, but cancelled. It sounded like she was choosing me over the trip to me, she didn't come out and say that but it appeared that way. I told her not to make her choice on how I feel about it. I was only a little disappointed because it was the weekend I finished IHD & I may have wanted to do something that weekend (that may or may not have been the right thing to say, but hey I'm GALing, right?) I expressed that I never wanted her NOT to go out with her friends without me & have a good time. That wasn't the issue. Same goes for tonight. I wanted to let her know that I think she should have a good time with her friends. It's the getting drunk, going to bars, staying out all night, potential for getting herself into a bad situation that I was concerned about. I told her yes, I was a little jealous because I miss going out with my friends, going out with her, but not let that stop her from having a good time and doing what she wants.

Recital worked out ok & W was very talkative & friendly, but noticed W acting a little strange, distant during the party in S6 classroom. Honestly, I felt out of place there because i was the only Dad there but cherished the time with family anyway.

Off to 'our' house then. First time since S that I was there. I cooked dinner for family while W got ready to go out. Still seemed like W was a little distant but I just kept marching on ASIF. W asked me how she looked, I gave honest compliments, gave opinions on choices of clothing (this was a small 180 for me because I usually have no opinion about these things). There were some strange questions about whether I'd be up to moving back to the east coast. W's parents offered a house where they live because of her father's condition. I basically said I'd be up to the idea if we moved as a FAMILY. I'd have no reason to move if it were SEPERATELY. She could do what she wanted but I wasn't up for it unless we were together. W said she wouldn't do it then. W didn't want to seperate me from kids. I really didn't have a good 'feeling' about that question. Things were going ok but W still seemed a little more distant than she has been. From my experience the last couple months this usually means W is up to something that she doesn't want me to know about or feels nervous/guilty about. Maybe this retracting is normal & that's not the reason, I'm not the expert.

Anyhow, now off to apt with kids. W briefly stopped in. W asked ME if I wanted to give her a key in case she needed it. She reiterated that she doesn't know what she's going to do or end up. I said, I'm not expecting anything. Go out with your friends, have a good time, coming back here to sleep is just another choice in case things go bad or not as planned for you. You just have another place to go if you need to. Then she left. This time no hug, no nothing. I didn't 'reach' for it either. I was disappointed, though (I didn't show it). I just said nicely, 'have a great time, have a good nite, see you later!'

So now I am here with kids until AM (will try not to think about W & what she is doing, where she ends up tonite). Will spend some time with kids tonight & have 1 more day of work before long weekend. I'll see W when she shows up. I'll see W & kids again on SAT for presents before they fly out of state for xmas. I have plans with old friends on xmas day. I have alot of projects over the weekend to keep me going. I honestly think I acted ASIF pretty well today & did a good job. The only concerns I am having is W's question about moving, my answer & her reply, W acting so distant & no offer to hug/kiss. There is a definite retracting/distancing going on compared to last week. I hope this is normal and ok because it bothers me a little bit. I feel like I'm moving backward for some reason & I don't know why it's happening.

frank_D,

Reading your thread now. I quote:


This is it! This is so close to myself and my W that it gives me goose bumps! I'm jotting down notes here. There were a few other things that someone told me the other day that had me thinking. These were opinions from an 'outsider'...

1) Sounds like your W isn't dealing with her problems at all. Sounds like she is trying to escape them. It's easier for her to just avoid the problems (marriage, self esteem, whatever) and go out, party, act like a 'girl' instead of confronting her issues and resolving them.

2) I was asked after talking about potential OM: Has W ever acted toward you like she thought you had acts of infidelity? I replied, 'As a matter of fact, CONSTANTLY when I was traveling'. I was asked, 'did you ever give her good reason to think that?' I said I never did anything that I was aware of. I was told of a concept called 'projection'. Basically, maybe W was thinking thoughts of infidelity and thought since she was thinking those thoughts that I must certainly be thinking those thoughts. If I was full of opportunity on the road to fulfull those thoughts then the idea was I would act on them if I had the thoughts and the chance.

I was traveling back in 2004-2005. That conversation and some other realizations that go back to that time scare the bejezus out of me! I can see where that came into play now. I always thought that she was insecure but I guess I didn't know the half of it! Ironically, this was around the time W started 'getting fit' and began nursing school. This was about a year after D4 was born.

Well, I got to do some more reading and get some sleep.

Hi Jab

Similar thing happened to me I think. W was convinced I had had an affair or was having an affair,although the truth was I was having an affair with my work. I got a buzz out of it and threw myself into it as my W had a pretty hard time allowing me to have much control in my S's life. Only she was right and I wass always wrong, the wrong temp of milk, the wrong way to put him down at night, I couldn't be trusted to sort him out in the morning, at night. I needed to find a sphere of influence in which I was sometimes, occasionally right. That place for me was work and the people there.

My actions around this convinced W I was involved with someone else.I wasn't. However, associated with that was socialising and drinking. All actions I regret and put which put me into a darker place than I ever want to go again. She was also convinced I passed an STD onto her - how ironic!

So I can understand the concept of projection. What to do about it though? I didn't feel I should have to provide a level of explanation as that indicated a lack of trust...but I wish I had looked at everything much more closely at the time and paid attention to what my W was undoubtedly telling me but which I wasn't hearing.

Best - GFI

Status update the AM:

W never came back to apt. I was sad last night but that is understandable.

W showed up this morning to pick up kids. W was in a much better mood (I think best mood all week) but had a big hangover. I was laughing inside. Her friend who was 'designated driver' got drunk & they had to get friend's husband to come pick them up. I LOVED this, W now sees that it's not only me that does these things! Her friend is just as bad as I was!

W had a good time, night was a success! I showed W she can go out with friends and I can handle it! I need to learn how to keep doing this. This was an issue with our M in the past.

On another note, reading posts from frank_D last night. VERY EDUCATIONAL! There are so many parallels/similarities between me & you that I feel like I have 'awakened' even more last night. Frank, your life was VERY similar to mine. I am a hardware engineer, you are a software engineer. I grew up in a similar situation (financially poor, many divorces, feeling alone, unwanted & worthless, was the 'genius' of the family, inner strength to handle bad situations, couldn't rely on others, the computer lab was my escape from home life, there are several more) I can relate to you alot! What you have been feeling about 'fixing' everything is me. My biggest fear right now is that I neglect 'fixing' myself in the process of 'fixing' my M. I think that was part of my issue for the past several years, I was so involved with 'fixing' our financial situation that I neglected my W, my M, myself (thus, going into a deep depression which caused excessive drinking). Reading some of your insights and experiences will certainly help me move forward to another level.

I am grateful for this website. People like COG, AmyC, frank_D, several others are like having 'free counseling' of the best kind. These aren't people who went to school to get a counseling degree or license. These are people who have experienced similar situations first hand, who have had successes where others have failed, who are intelligent and giving enough to teach others like me and give advice. Thanks for helping me understand my W and even more understand myself & MY situation! I also thank my higher power for giving me the intelligence & strength to survive thus far (not just my M, but LIFE).

P.S. - (((((AmyC)))))

Good News.

W just left for airport, she spent weekend at my apt.

This D is virtually busted..as long as I stay the course & no suprises.

W put wedding rings back on & much more.

It took 2 months exactly from the day that she told me she wanted D...simply amazing.

Best xmas 'present(s)' I could ever ask for.

Will update with details later on, its been a very eventful weekend.

I am afraid not.

Don't believe that problems that took years to fester can be corrected in two months.

Also remember the holidays are here and what they represent (love and forgiveness). Also remember the new year and what it represents (a new start).

NOW the HARD part comes.

It is so easy not to keep the mindset going. So easy.

Keep working on you and your changes. Be the MAN that she wants to be with. Have no expectations of her.

Merry Christmas.

I never said I was done, I know everything isn't corrected yet. "stay the course", means doing what I need to do, consistent & permanent change, listening to W's wants/needs/fears, not expecting anything, preventing myself from repeating past mistakes, etc... I'm just saying MAJOR breakthroughs/understandings happened over the weekend. We had a very important, productive discussion & things are really starting to happen.

There were lots of things discussed by both of us & there will be more discussions, I'm sure. A couple examples: W said if I continue being the MAN I am, our M has a very good chance. I said, I'm going to be better than this, I've just started. W has put her rings back on (without me asking at all) & saying ILU & meaning it. W said to me not to get cozy in the apt because she wants me to come back home. W talking about future together, taking a vacation together in the spring without kids so we can 'catch up'. Many other things but I think that's enough examples for now where it's going. I really think this is the 'real deal'. It's gonna take alot more work, but it's not just me anymore, it's both of us making the effort.

I guess all I am trying to get across is that alot has happened on multiple levels this weekend, I know I'm not done but things are looking pretty peachy (as good as they have been in a year, at least). The tide has turned for the better.

Congrats jab!!! What I wouldn't give to hear that my W wanted to work on things. She's opened the door for you and I imagine that it feels great. It sounds like you know what you have to do.

Congrats!
B

Good.

It is up to you now.

Make it happen.