Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? formless utterings...

Ironically, you've made all these changes because she's so important to you...but she isn't feeling that important.

Now I am not on her side. I think she's a fool. But don't worry about being perfect, in fact that would probably work against you.

But you can do this. Ask her questions about her thoughts, her interests, make her feel important. Build ... small doses. You can do this.

Huh. well.. something nice happened last night. she "initiated" something. Kinda

She invited me to spend some online game time with her this coming week. "maybe". no firm date or schedule on it. So, I'll feel really happy about it when and if it actually happens But it was nice that she invited me in the first place.

Thing is, though.. I had to "initiate" the contact to start with, or we would have never have spoken.

Nothing in any marriage recovery book, seems to go 100% "by the book", for our relationship. The typical "back off and let spouse initiate" stuff? doesnt seem like a winner, if taken strictly at face value.

So, I think the only thing that I have to go by, is "keep doing what works, and stop what doesnt work".
I'm building my own theories on what might work, that is different from what I did while we were together. I'll keep them to myself for now though

Just keep your fingers crossed that my wife likes my behavior. If she likes it, then I'll keep doing it

Yeah.....

You're right. Sometimes you have to tgest the waters.
You got it.


It's going to be great.

Good luck Dom! It's something positive

Random, almost pointless rambling, since i'm going to be cryptic again but i feel the need to blog.... revelation possibly hit me, and I need to write this down so's i can sleep tonight




Wow.
i'm a freakin idiot.
I think I realized something that... MAY.. have been a factor then. Something positive I did for her. That in some ways, was not something new. and yet in some ways, it was.

Kinda in a way of what sg was suggesting;
i need to forget about clever arguments, forget about sneaky "LRT" type tactics that some might suggest... and just let my wife know how special she is to me.

Trouble is... i'm really bad at this, generally speaking doing this consistently, really would be a 180 for me, i'm sorry to say.

But.. when i can detach from the hurt she has done to me over the past few years.. she is still ... i dont even have the words for it. "special to me" just doesnt cover it.
entirely inadequate.

i still love my wife. very deeply. i need to find better ways to show that to her.
Not in a "begging" way. "Begging", would be all about me.
I need to find ways to show her that I love her, in ways that are all about her.

(erm.. and o course.. actually getting enough time together with her, to give me opportunities to do that, wouldnt hurt either )

Dom, have you read "The Five Love Languages" yet? I suspect it'd shed a good bit of light onto things for you. I'd also bet that if you looked back at your interactions in August and September you'd find you not only were coming across as positive and confident but were probably speaking her love languages in some regards.

You all but said it that you have communication challenges. I think right there is your biggest answer to your question with 180s. Figure out how you can better communicate your thoughts and feelings and better listen and understand others. It's not easy but it'd be well worth all the effort you put into it not only with your relationship with your wife but every relationship you have. Lots of excellent books out there on the subject too!

Dom,

Go back and read many of the comments you made to me and maybe that would be a good start. You kept pushing me to understand that my W wanted a husband first. Once I got that through my head I could see what she has been asking for all of these years and I just went and did it. I have been doing those things now for 2 months or so every chance that I get and it has become habit.

It started with little things that would take some stress and anxiety off of her during this trying time. Then it grew from there. Believe me there were times when I was showing her how special she is to me that I was thinking I was crazy b/c she wanted another relationship and I was so hurt by all of this. But, I could see in her face that she appreciated my efforts.

Do the same Dom, don't hide from the pain of her actions, use that as a motivator to continue to do those things you hint about. Consistently, I can tell you that has been one of the keys for me thus far is that I don't miss no matter what is going on.

I had to customize this approach for me and my sitch, like you, but be malleable to make sure that you find the right groove!

Thanks for the encouragement, guys

Bah.
i'm an idiot.

"an that's all i have to say about that..."

Why are you an idiot DomR? U can't leave us hanging like that?