Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Have I waited too long?

Okay, I've been reading and thinking alot the last couple of days. Here's what I need...advice on the conversation we need to have when he gets back. The problem is this is not the first crisis we've had. As I mentioned things came to a head before after I found out he was seeing someone while we were living together. I don't know, maybe I didn't honestly believe he would leave me, or maybe I just didn't have the tools to really work on what I needed to. At any rate, the changes in my drive and behavior didn't last. I know he has so much resentment built up now. He feels like he's wasted many years of his life. He has had to deal with health problems related to anxiety and stress..panic attacks, serious sleep problems, etc. He now believes, and probably rightly so that our marriage problem (i.e. my problem) is at fault. I'm really very afraid he may have emotionally checked out of this relationship.

I honestly believe for the first time ever that I have the means to make a positive permanent change in myself and our relationship. How do I convey that to him? Some of you who have been through this on my H's end...what did you or would you need to hear to really believe it was worth sticking with the relationship for just a while longer? As the topic of my post states, I'm so afraid that so much time has gone by with too many false promises on my part. If he has closed himself off, can I open him back up to maybe begin trusting in me again? I do not believe that he'll come back after Christmas ready to move out. If for no other reason than he has no place to go and finances are such that a second residence really isn't feasible. But just because he's here doesn't necessarily mean he's open to giving me another chance. Since he dropped the LYBNILWY bomb a month ago I have approached him. One time he was willing but unable to "finish", the other was a surprise offer of oral with some hot and cold tricks a friend told me about. He flat turned me down and said he was too busy on the computer. I guess you see now why I have the fear that I've let too much time go by and my constant rejection of him (before he stopped asking) has taken its toll. I've read posts here on that happening with the HD spouse, but mostly it's from the HD spouses point of view. This is coming from the heart of a LD wife who wants desparately to get back on track. I would dearly love to hear from some HD spouses who were in this situation, or LD, who managed to turn things around.

I know you're all busy with your Christmas stuff, but I sure would love to hear from someone with some guidelines on how this conversation should go. Anxiously checked the mail box tonight after work, but no SSM book yet. I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. Even if I don't hear from anyone, I want you to know how comforting it has been reading your posts...you've given me alot of hope and some things to work with and on.
Merry Christmas
Cat

Like you, I'm wary of the Big Conversation. What if you bring a marriage counselor into the picture to sort of monitor the situation and serve as a support for both of you? Sometimes people think of a counselor/therapist as a policeman who tells you what you did wrong, or a medical person who tells you where you are "sick" and prescribes medicine for you. I prefer to see a therapist as a coach... professional athletes and dancers continue to train all their lives, seeking training from other professionals. If you found the right MC, and visited, say, every other week or every three weeks, with homework in between, maybe your H would see that you are serious. Also if he's THAT resentful, you may not be able to handle his feelings while you are trying so hard to hold up your end of things.

It's going to take more than one (or several) conversations couched in the correct terminology to turn this thing around. But maybe some of the men who have been in your H's sitch will give their thoughts on your questions.

I'd go with a Just Do It approach. Answer any questions he has truthfully and completely, and otherwise keep your mouth shut and do what you're planning to do. Words mean nothing at this point, and actions mean everything.

If he asks "how do I know you really mean it this time?", ii]then[/i] you can remind him that he doesn't really have anything to lose. If you go back to the way you were before, he can always leave you then... you're not going to get pregnant in the meantime, right?

If you run into trouble keeping up your end of the bargain, go talk to a professional without delay. Don't let yourself fail again, and if you can see yourself failing, and you don't know how to avert it, realize that you're not just going to invent a way to better yourself this time out of the blue any more than you did the last couple of times, and get whatever help is called for.

One thing you may not have tried before: exercise. It does wonders for your attitude, your libido, and your confidence. You feel sexy and you are sexy, and you can't keep your hands off of each other. Go to the gym, get a trainer to keep you on track if you can possibly afford it, and rev up your body so it can send more and fresher blood to your brain and keep it firing on all cylinders.

Thanks you guys...hope you had a wonderful Christmas day! Lil...I do see counciling as a possibility...I think H would go along. And you're right...there will be many conversations to come. I think that's been part of the problem...I'm not a talker. H is. And I see in hindsight how many times I've shut him down when he tried to talk about it.

Eddie...some good advice...thank you. And you said something I had been thinking at work today. As I said before, I don't think he's going to pack his bags anytime soon. So I think if I let him know up front I'm not expecting him to say "Oh goodie, she's seen the light, things will be better THIS time", but just be open to seeing the changes and allowing me to show him I can back up the words with action, he'll open back up. As you said, what does he have to lose? In the past I've come back at him with all the things I need that he's not giving me (i.e. the emotinal stuff), but I know that only happened over time after he wasn't getting what he needed. So I think to begin this journey there will be no talk of what he can do for me. And your advice about exercise was so great! And very doable. We both belong to a gym...I havn't gone in ages. He goes periodically and used to try to get me to go with him. It would be a great thing for us to do together, and I've read many times how exercise really does make you feel sexier, aside from the obvious physical benifits. That might just be one of the first steps in my action plan! Thanks again. I'm off to read more about setting goals. I think that's something I need to get down on paper right away, then maybe even ask H when I think he's receptive to do the same.

Almost giddy right now. H just called and we had a wonderful conversation. Not the BIG conversation, but for the first time since he's been out of town we did talk about the R. He's willing to give things a try. I said some of the things I had been thinking, and along the lines of what Eddie suggested. To my surprise he didn't even bring up the questions and doubts I was anticipating. Now I know more in depth conservations will follow, but WOW, I just got my reprieve and boy am I going to work my a** off to make the most of it. I will not lose this wonderful man. I owe it to both of us to bring us back to a point where where we're showing the love we feel for each other. I think this Christmas just got salvaged after all.

Good for you, cat! Keep the lines of communication open. Check in with each other often. Don't have several Big Convos, just keep in touch regularly. Remember what Journey said... they have kind of an unspoken two-day rule. If two days go by with no intimate contact, then YOU intiate something... doesn't have to be a marathon sex session... just show him that you love him AND his body. Recognize that you'll likely have what feel like setbacks, but if they are occasions to share your feelings and get closer, then they aren't setbacks at all. This is great news!

Cat, I gotta believe if you can give your husband what he needs, then he will want you.

I like the Just Do it advice.

Also you have to stop beating yourself up. It's not all your fault. Ok, you had low desire. But he didn't help you through it.

I am a man with a low-desire partner, and while it is easy for me to blame her, in honestly I have to accept my part in it. It takes 2 to tango. I saw her LD but just expected her to "fix it" but I didn't romance her, I didn't help her, I didn't show her how I could help her do it.

I don't believe it is "only your problem." Work on it together. (Gently)

Thanks for your encouraging words. I pick H up at the airport in a couple of hours. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster the last few days. Readinng SSM and trying to come up with goals. When I have more time I'd like to post the goals I've come up with for any thoughts. Taking H to a nice Italian restaurant when I pick him up...candles on the table, etc. Then when we get home more candles in the bedroom. I'm so nervous. Scared to death actually. I'm thinking at dinner I won't bring up the R. Just let things flow and enjoy him being back. What if he rejects me in the bedroom??? Worried about that one. If so, I'll just take it all in and understand that I can't expect him to forget the last few years and the hurt and rejection I've put him through. Wow, this really is going to be a journey, isn't it? But I'm up for it. He and our M are worth it. Thanks again for your advice. Nice feeling I'm not alone, as this isn't something I can talk to friends and family about. I'm off to get in the shower and make myself gorgeous, LOL!!
Cat11

Well, don't leave us hanging........let us know what is going on.