Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

Ok, the first thing I've noticed when the WAS's start noticing you changing is that they interpret it as 'you don't care'. I've really found this to be common among the WASs as one of the first signs that they have noticed you changing in a good way. Now, think about it, you are peaking her curiousity aren't you? Your DB is working!

I think this is where you can start to Test and Monitor. When you do talk with her continue to keep it light, be very curious about her day and what happened. You might try to pat her shoulder when she says something funny? Just light touches mind you. I once took my Hs hand and squeezed it after he said something funny. Took him aback a little but he didn't object. Remember you are only conducting a test, if something doesn't work, don't do it again, don't apologize but just don't do it again. Try something else. There are very subtle ways of showing a woman you care...Maybe if she likes coffee or a fave drink bring her one 'just because'. Don't get down when things don't come out as you expected, just chug forward and try again.

Only you know what worked in the past for her, try hard to remember those things.

Hi Lanzey,

I am already your buddy! Consider it done. I will try my hardest to post to you more often.



This is good! This is how it happened for me, then my H began to request that I STAY in the same room when I was going to leave...



Good for YOU!!! Make the most of it and enjoy the moments you have with your friends. You have again peaked her curiosity, because now she is wondering where YOU are going, and you are not worrying about where SHE is going. Good DB work.

And let that Fabio mane of hair down this weekend! LOL Have a great time.

Hi Pudsy

You are just ahead of me in you quest for reconciliation so your experiences will be invaluable to me.

W is still very wary of contact with me and keeps this invisible personal space between us, but she does spend more time in same room with me talking about her day. Also some of my little annoying habits which used to set off her anger, will now just bring out a mild jokey rebuke.

W is out tonight with work colleagues for a meal and she looked absolutely stunning, I paid her a small complement which I think she responded to. But she did take the time to ask how "Fabio" would be wearing his hair over the weekend, and would he be wearing that new YSL shirt which has just appeared in the waldrobe. (Supposed to be cool smiley)



I need to hear this to keep me on track.

The roller coaster which is my life goes up and down and then a big up.

W had a great time at the meal with her work colleagues, so much so that she got absolutely intoxicated. FIL who was her designated driver brought her home and I had to undress W and put her to bed. I was awoken shortly afterwards by a loud thud. W had rolled out of bed , and had proceeded to take a pee on the carpet. Ooow !!! I quickly got her to the bathroom and then put her back to bed.

Well in the morning I recounted the previous nights events to W and we had such a laugh at her embarrassment. As she was laughing she leaned forward and grabbed my forearm, WOW!!!, she hadn't noticed what she had done but I had.

Later in the day as I was getting ready to leave for my guy's only weekend out, W told D6 to give me a hug before I left. Normally at this point W would back away, but today she moved forward and gave me a big hug and told me to be careful and look after myself. Absolutely awesome!!!! My first hug since July. However she was careful to move her head away to avoid a kiss.

Anyway GAL !!! I've hooked up with a great set of guys, party animals, real playa's we had such a great time, really took me back to my early twenties and my single days. I just wished I had the disposable income to join them now, cos their kind of parting hard cost money, lots of it. On the plus side, if the single life beckons, I know where I'll get help to move on.

When I got home today W was really interested in my previous nights events, she asked lots of questions and I answered them. Where did you go, who was in your crowd, did you enjoy it etc, etc. The only question she didn't ask was, did I meet anyone. But she was really, really interested about my night out.

This evening we went to the late church service together, when we returned home we spent time watching TV and chatting about Christmas, but we spent all evening in the same room.

Oh last thing, I think W snooped, maybe unintentionally, at the first part of this post as I had left it in draft form on the computer, minimised and with the screensaver on. W shouted me to switch off the computer before we went to church, when I came to the computer this post was in full view on the screen. A couple of weeks ago I thought she was looking at what I was doing on the computer but I had dismissed it. The kinda adds to my suspicions now.

Ok this is gonna sound like a first time post so take time in reading.

Since I did my 180 on W and told her I'd had enough and wanted out of the M she actually been quite calm and we getting on in civilized manner, think this time she believed me, but we both agreed to hold R talk until after festive period.

My DB is working (more about that later) but I didn't feel W moving closer to me, didn't think I would see that magical breakthrough. so fearing a longer stalemate I pushed things a little outside of the rules.

I called W best friend for a chat and asked her four question.

1. Does W feel trapped in the M. Ans: No

2. Why after what W has done and I told her we both agree that the M is over, does she ask me what do I want from the M
Ans: Well what do you want ?

3. Does W have feelings of love for me. Ans: Ask her yourself.

4. The underlaying problem that W and I have, is it fixable.
Intial Ans:W has the problem you can't change. I told friend if it's me I can. But she wouldn't let on what the problem was. So after that it was a guessing game.

Long story short, bottom line is W has a problem with me physically, which turns her off. Prevents her from wanting to have sex with me. Hence her version of the ILYBNILWY speech. She's really developed a Physiological hang up about it but won't talk about it.

I know this is second hand information but ***king hell !!! our marriage nearly destroyed over something she couldn't talk to me about. After six years of limited sex, my frustration leading me to letting myself go and ignoring W. W feeling neglected, and her finding comfort in an EA, then her frustration leading to an PA. So many issues have also manifested themselves now, that the whole thing is a mess, how can we sort things out.
Even now I can't bring up talk cos we said we would wait, but even then how do I broach something which has been eating away at her for so long.

I feel angry, cheated annoyed. things should never have gone this way.

OK I hold my hands up bad comms mainly my fault, I probably never tuned into W. She actually said once we got married she felt I stopped trying. She may have a point.

So back to DB, I know its working, W notices me now, she sees my GAL, she can see I'm back in better shape. She even commented on my appearance. The call to W friend has for me put one of the final pieces in the Jig Saw, I can match up and understand when W said things like ILY but I don't fancy you.

Problem now is W is backed to a wall with a H she doesn't fancy (Sure I can change this). Committed A's out of frustration. Thinks I want out of the M in the New Year. Doesn't know if she wants the M or not because of what she has done and my reactions to them. How can I let her know the M is not over without her thinking I'm starting pursuit. She really needs to feel she can come back to it. OK I've got enough experience and insight now, finding the Lan she fell in love with is a must I know W can partially see him otherwise she'd be gone already.


Oh, the ***king problem, it's sweat. Couldn't ***king believe it when friend said it. When we make love, I sweat, a lot, it drips onto W and she hates it. W has mentioned it it the past but never made it out to be a deal breaker. She mentioned it in amongst a hole host of things, You've let yourself go, you've put on weight, you don't look after yourself. Geezz, I could just scream and cry at the same time.

I started writing this post not knowing what to do next but I think the same DB rules apply only my goals must be realigned, with communication top of list, reshaping my reshaped body next. little less body fat may reduce the sweating.

(PS sorry for all the cursing)

I'm still coming to terms with the fact the my under laying marriage problems could be what they are, well its just second hand info at the moment, but I'm gonna ignore my ramblings in my previous post and get this DB train back on track. Yes, I'm at test and monitor stage. I need to push on with this because W doesn't always respond to things as we would expect and I'm picking up that she wants me to take the lead in some things.


GAL, I was out Christmas shopping on my own for the first time in years, I had money to spend and found it a good experience. W called me on the cell and told me to bring my own food home as she hadn't time to cook, and I just remembered this from Pudmuddle Snafoo



I told W I would bring home some Thai style special fried rice from "our" favorite store W seemed very pleased with this. She even commented that it was naughty eating this food, so I just said the diet starts Jan 1.

Note: I've picked up from W that she mistook my LRT & acting "as if" as me note caring so despite, all of her cheating I'm the one who has to show he cares. (Caring points scored).

Ok Christmas day ahead, W dropped a sutble hint that we would need new bedding for the small bed when IL's stay over at xmas, I thought it strange at first, but then I relised that last year D6 & MIL slept in one room, FIL in the small bed that I have now and me and W in our bed. So possibilities of me and W sharing a bed soon, I'll keep you posted on that one.

Thoughts of OM still being in the background pop into my head and I have to fight this massive urge to snoop on W cell phone, but then I remember this from Pudmuddle Snafoo



I think W lived the fantasy for a couple of months while I was out of the house and the last encounter with OM brought home the reality of it all. Cool calm and sexy is what I'm projecting and I think she sees it.


DB train roll on.

PS: It's good not to have to comment on W anger

Hey Lanzey,

Well first of all, I know you really want to hear from W and what she has to say about all of this R stuff, but stop calling the W best friend... She may not be potraying what your W says accurately, and remember all things said are often said in the heat of emotions and may just be her working out problems by talking them out. Everyone goes from good to evil thoughts in their heads when trying to work out issues. Also, even if it was the sweat that drove her away, that is an underlying symptom for something that is bothering her more. Remember the ILYBINILWY is not what is really wrong with your marriage, it is a side affect of other issues. If it really bothers her that much she could have approached it in a much nicer way, like getting on top! Haha, just had to throw that in...

It's purely OK to come here and vent, I'm sure hearing that threw you for a complete loop! but it is not truly the issue, remember that. I knew you would rein yourself back in to DB! and you did with the next post...keep on going on the lovedb train.

I'm glad I can inspire you to think of how to make things better slowly, keep testing and monitoring!

And if she picked up on your LRT'ing and is laughing, touching albeit small bites, but she is, that is awesome. Keep looking for those small things. I noticed my H kept commenting on small home things, that we had to do or fix, when he began to slowly see the light.
Keep up being that sexy cool fabio-maned lanzo! It honestly seems like it is slowly working.

Hi, Pudsey,



Yes I should and do know better. But my mind races at times and I feel I need feedback from someone, anyone. W friend is drip feeding me information (think with W tacit approval) and it so tempting to listen. All credit to our friends on this board but I think you are the most in touch with my sitch and the only one responding at the moment so I'm little bit reliant on you too. Your responses are so valuable and I thank god for the day you took time to read up on me.



I agree, I will put this down as a symptom not the cause and not dwell on it anymore.

Today W had one last go at anger . In the mornings she normally leaves the window open when we all finish in the bathroom but closes the door. Afterwards I went back into the bath room and left door open and went downstairs. All I heard was loud bang where she slammed the shut door again. I didn't panic, I waited a minute, went back upstairs and asked "was that me". she just said yes in a stern voice.

Later W rings me asking where D6 school books are as they're missing. (implies its my fault). I check and I haven't got them in my car. W rings back later, nice as pie, oh I found the books, D6 is so careless.

Then later on W calls me again, now shes at work and she wants me to help her configure something for her on email, something I'm not familiar with, well I try my best but am unable to help. We have a laugh about it, W always used to call me about things like this, if I couldn't do it myself I could always find the answer her.

We agreed we would check out the email thing together when we got home.

Hi Pudsey,

just one of those examples.



Today W asked me to switch off the computer from the mains when I've finished because it still burns electricity and is costing us money. A nice friendly request. Things move slowly in the right direction.