Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done What does my XW Want?

Keep an open mind! One of my classmates in residency, years ago, went on a blind date his mom set up. This guy was a handsome swinging single, dated a different girl every week, had ZERO interest in settling down. His mom kept bugging him to meet this daughter of a woman she went to church with, the daughter was visiting from out of town. He kept trying to avoid it but finally went just to shut mom up.

Well - the girl turned out to be BRILLIANT and a MODEL! It was love at first date. She was perfect for him. He was besotted, showing everyone he met her picture. He proposed to her within two months. They are still married. Mom knew best!

Ellie

Hey thanks. I was not aware of IMAGO but I found a website and it is interesting stuff.

I like the Myers Briggs temperment stuff. How opposites attract. But the very things that are attractive also means that there are things that will turn us off later. For example, I am a logical organized guy. I am attracted to women who are more open ended and care-free. But after I get to know them their lack of logic and organization becomes a negative.

Of course following that logic to the extreme I should not date anyone. LOL.

So at least I am aware. There are a lot of women out there - next time I intend (at least try) to be be more selective.

Please let us know how the blind date works out. Sometimes mom does know best.

I completely understand/relate to this statement. Many of the very same carefree/emotional/passionate qualities that made time with my wife a wonderful experience when we were dating/not living together led to friction when we were living together (well, in addition to the third year of med school). Having said that, I believe that life is largely a question of balance (work/play, logic/emotion, serious/playful, etc...): perhaps I need to incorporate more of these carefree attitudes/attributes into myself such that I can feel more comfortable with a more balanced mate (i.e. no need for extreme opposites)...

Hope everyone is doing well!

I am looking for some quick insight if anyone can help. It has been a month or so since I have seen or heard from the XW. She called two weeks ago saying that she got some mail for me and wanted to get together to give the mail to me. Long story short, we are getting together for coffee tonight.

I am just in a phase where I just don't know what the deal is and what is going on inside her head? If the goal is to pass along my mail, she could just stop by and drop it off, rather, she wants to meet which will turn into a 2-3 hour conversation about how work is going and more than likely how she doesn't do anything. Then she will ask me 10,000 questions about what I am doing (I try to be open and honest in answering but don't volunteer anything). Then we will have the awkward goodbye and then I will be in a whirlwind for a day or so trying to figure this out. What exactly she is after?

At times I feel like telling her that I just can't do this anymore, but by saying that, I feel like I am closing the door on any possible reconciliation. I would be willing to try again with her, but feel that it needs to come from her first, since she is the one that wanted the D.

Curious to see what you all have to say!

Thanks for all of your support and responses!

before people comment, you might want to update your signature or something, to mention how long it's been since the divorce.

Thanks Dom,

I have been on this site for a while. Several threads but the one in my signature is the last one.

So, as an update, when out with the XW for about 3 hours the other night. Typical conversation....work, work, parents are sick..work.

The meeting was nice.....a scary comfortable nice. We actually did a bit of shopping in the local bookstore after coffee andfor a few minutes, really felt like we were a couple again, during the good times of our marriage. I don't know if she felt that or not but it was just way too comfortable not to in my opinion.

So, when we left, gave each other a hug and said we would talk later. I guess we are starting to get to that stage of all of the old crap is gone and maybe a new relationship is growing? Not sure.

I delivered a gift to my realtor the other night who has been going through a real difficult time lately. She has known my XW for YEARS, like since two years old. Actually, the XW is renting property she manages.

It was a very great conversation. It is so great to get someone else's observations. It was funny, told her about my "date" the other night and she just laughed. Response: why are you divorced again? Yeah, not sure why.

This week, with Christmas and all, I am thinking about stopping and giving my ex-inlaws a gift. They got me something last Christmas (not expected) and feel like I need to but I want to. Not sure if it will make headway with the XW, but will definately make me feel good after all that is going on with them.

Anyone have any experience with this one? While we are divorced, we are not emotionally together. While I have been out and in the dating world, the more I have been out there, the more I realize that the person that I am looking for I have already found and was married to for 9 years. While I try to move on........I don't think I will ever feel like I am not cheating, or actually holding out hope for her. Is that wrong?

I have thought about writing a love letter to her for Christmas but figure that is WAY over the edge. Just not sure what to do. Last year, we did the WHAT DO WE DO thing. I gave a gift certificate...she gave me fudge. What in 07?

Oh how I relate. This is my first post, although I've been following the forum and DB for about 1.5 months. One of these days I'll post my story, just can never seem to describe my sich very succinctly.

About 7.5 months into S and WAW (seeing OM I might add)wanting D it simply amazes me how well we get along when we get together. We meet to discuss how we will proceed with D, but we end up just having great conversations and sometimes laughing. What really threw me off was after our last meeting this past weekend, we decided to put off D talk until after holidays and when we parted ways she gave me a Xmas gift???

This was unexpected and made worse by the fact that I had nothing for her. I made the decision to not give her anything as the holidays were going to be rough enough for her when she goes to see family, and felt she didn't need another reminder about the relationship right now. My way of backing off a bit. I am very reluctant to D, but feel like since I've "dropped the rope" she has been more open with me. Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. It does make me wonder though what she's thinking and why we're moving forward with this if we're able to get along so well. The OM is obviously a factor.

Although I've only been DB for a short time, I have been involved with other programs like Mort Fertel's marriage max system for sometime and have learned a great deal, so my advice would be to back off on the love letter, and get her something small that says you know her and at the same time has you written all over it. The love letter, although 1 yr has gone by, has some level of desperation, neediness associated with it. The gift, as I described, however, will say everything she needs to know. Continue to be confiedent and upbeat around her despite the circumstances and let her make a move if one's to be made.

Regarding the ex-in-laws. You're sich is a little different as some time has passed, but one thing that burned me around Thanksgiving was the fact that I sent my W's family turkey day cards. She was angry about this because she felt it made her look bad. In other words she felt it was an attempt on my part to rally her family around me. That was not my intention, but I certainly see her point. Just something to consider as you think about gifts for the in-laws.

My 2 cents. Hope others have additional advice.

A feeling isn't wrong. I love my X's and hope is good!



Not the letter... how 'bout some concert tickets and she can take whomever?

cire