If a poster interests you it is your best interest to check them out. It is also something that wil kill sometime for you, instead of all your problems going round your head, you can check up on some other people.
I could tell you, but to be honest my situation is not your situation, what I did and what happened will more than likely not be what you do or what happens to you.
It is a mistake to involve your children earlier in this. You should be sheilding them from as much of this as you can, and you should not be recruting them as allies. Whatever you do do not talk badly about your W to them...EVER. Let them make up their own minds down the road, they will respect you more.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
But you and FW told them together. Not seperately. I think that telling children only from one parent is unwise, and comes from needing their support, which I believe is another mistake.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yeah, I have made sure not to do that. It's hard to keep them from it at their age...and they are aware who the protaganist is so they did side with me for a while but now that we are seperated they are better...they come to my house 50%
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
what do I do if my wife keeps bringing up meeting to go over details of a D... Can I tell her I changed my mind? Or should I just keep stalling? I was told by the coach that I should not help her with the D at all. Maybe I should tell her I am standing for our marriage...?
You can stall, but this may frustrate her. I did like Jack and told Sweetheart I didn't want a divorce and thus I refused to help. I told him I would get my own lawyer--that pissed him off--and that I would contest.
He called me vindictive, said I only wanted his money and that he now hated me because of what I was doing. He did this as a threat. He told me that if I just did as he was asking he might come home someday, but I would ruin that chance if I stood my ground.
So what really happened when I stood my ground and contested?
9 July 2005: Divorce papers filed 24 August 2005: Divorce papers pulled
Most don't stop it that quickly and stopping the divorce didn't stop the affair or the crisis. The next May/June he was talking about lawyers again--but it was due to OW pressure. She offered to pay for the lawyer--with what $--the woman has none.
I could tell you, but to be honest my situation is not your situation, what I did and what happened will more than likely not be what you do or what happens to you.
Yup. I don't see things happen as quickly as they did with Sweetheart--at least the legal part. some file quickly and it's over, some file and then stall--that's common, and others don't file--ever or for years. In those cases the spouse may end up filing. Some threaten, some never mention the word.
Most eventually stall, but not all. Don't read into it.
I contribute a large part of where I am to Luck. I stood my ground, but so have many others, and their results have not mirrored mine.
You are right, you can beat this thing--though beat is a tad violent!
You can come out of this with your marraige intact and can rebuild it to better than was possible before.
But before you are even close to that, you need to get out of panic mode. Stop and breathe. What can you do that is for you alone?
But you and FW told them together. Not seperately. I think that telling children only from one parent is unwise, and comes from needing their support, which I believe is another mistake.
Perhaps I read Patrick's sitch wrong Jack. I thought they had sat down together (as FW and I did) and not seperately.
I do agree that it is not so great for one parent to tell the children on their own.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I originally did that when we were talking seperation...and I think your right, it wasn't a good idea. I guess in a way I wanted my kids to know this was not my choice. I guess it's selfish but I want my kids to know that I would not do anything to tear our family apart or hurt them. I guess in a way it's a blame game but at the time I didn't really understand MLC (not that I do all that well now.) I really felt at the time...and still do somewhat, that people still have to be responsible for what they do, whether they are losing it or not. And my wife made a choice to give up on us, our family, and our kids--maybe I'm just in a negative mood today. I had to go to my company Christmas party by myself last night and try to explain that my wife wasn't feeling well to the one's that don't know my sitch. I really missed her and the rum n cokes didn't help!!
H 42 W 37 M17 T20 years 3 daughters 11,11,14 seperated 11/26/07 EA neighbor/ moved in w/ him 2/8 Filed for D 01/08 finalized soon
Patrick, I checked out your thread and you got ALOT of great advice here. I'm not here to brown nose anyone but Jack and RCR have "Been there done that,wrote the book and sold the movie rights" If you haven't already got get Michele's book. IT HELPS. No matter what if you are committed to saving your marriage, please realize that it is going to take TIME. GAL and be happier than a lark when ever you see her. (ya I know easier said than done but they do notice) Most of all be there for the kids. Don't play the kid card with her. Just continue to be the loving Dad. As for the neighbor, turn the other cheek. In the end he has to answer to God and look at himself in the mirror each day. He isn't worth it.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
180's by the way have to be made for you and NO ONE ELSE, otherwise these changes do not last
I wanted to applaud this statement and add that you identify areas of your life for immprovement and you go about the business of making changes to those areas. You will make missteps along the way. You will try things and realize that some things are not for you. But you keep trying. Change doesn't always come in a neat package. And even without marital problems, you should always be looking for ways to improve yourself.
A little story. I remember this guy talking one day about some fellow who was in recovery for drugs. He said when this guy first came to recovery he was a drug-addicted a-hole, now three years later he is clean and just an a-hole. So while a change may look substantial, sometimes there really is no change. AS time goes on, a thoughtful person will recognize this.
