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on the way back,

Im sorry, I can feel how bad you feel. But kudos to you for not getting emotionial. That's a big step. Your a strong man.. and you will get through this.

I hope she wakes up and smells the cofee sooner than later.

tal

Not that it has anything to do with piecing our marriages back together but I just got confirmation that I will be in a tv ad shooting next tuesday. So as part of the GAL this is something totally new for me. Just wanted to share it with you,

Have a Splendid Day,

H

WOW.. ok you have to tell me for what?? Can we see it on cable..

Now I can tell everyone I know a tv star:))

That's really great! and good for you!!

tal

Tim Hortons Coffee so it will on in Canada, it is curling based, which is a game with rocks, brooms and ice. No idea of the details that is all I know. Will not pay for a vacation though, just a few coffees,

H

Hey, Scotland are good at curling!!!!!!!!!

Saffie

Good Morning,

We had a nice talk last night if one can say that, I was dwelling a little too much on the past and the OM but at least I did not break down and we had the best hug I have had in months, one that said let me squeeze you and not let you go.

My W also said that I do not make her feel sexy and that I never did, might have been a slight stretch, she did gain 50 pounds when we quit smoking and I know that no matter what I said, she did not feel it. I will make an effort to make her feel like the sexy stunning woman she is.

This morning she got up to check on the weather, normally I let her sleep and leave her alone, I went to the bedroom and said good morning sexy thing and gave her a little back rub. Easily the best morning for me since the Bomb,

I am in Canada, but today I have plenty to be Thankful for, so it is spreading across the border and I hope that it can spread into everyone else's life as well.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends and stay safe for everyone in the snowbelt getting pelted.

H

Good Morning,

I don't want to jinx a good thing so I am continuing to post and clear my over active mind. We had a nice evening last night at the curling club, won the game and I had a beer too many. I do notice that I pay attention to almost everything as does my W. There was one point when I talked about a fellow player who is quite ill and got a little emotional and my W pointed it out to me and said I should not get so emotional.
I have done a few teary emotional speeches and stuff so she is really on the look out. Other than that, I have been able to put a few good days together and we have just been friends. I get over zealous and excited so I just have to make an extra effort to just relax and don't push or expect too much.

I know that I can expect and want a hug or something loving and if I don't get it I get crushed in a way and we fall back a few or many steps. It is so hard to just be a friend in a way, when one wants it all. That is why I find this helpful since it prepares me in a way and tells me to just take a few deep breaths and take every moment as it comes with no expectations.

We are going out for dinner and might even do a couples massage, I have never done it, and suggested it to my W so maybe she is up for it. Just have to be careful again because I am so looking forward to the weekend so just take it as it comes. There will be a fire burning in more than just the fireplace.

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving, and if you are northern folks that you are staying warm.

She knows that I go on some chatline but I have not shared anything with her. I guess it is something that is best left as is. I also told her that I am emailing someone from here and she did not ask anything else.

Have a Great Day and Weekend,

H

I just received this from my friend and it made sense to me so I thought I would share. This was related to the fact that my W can very critical and even mean at times when I do simple little things or get a little emotional over any issue.

Even though we don't see it, and they would never admit it to us, they know, and all this stuff they are doing is there way of coping with it, they have to justify there behavious some way, I think its because they have scared the crap out of themselves, because they have done something they never thought they would. And because they feel so out of charater they then begin to try and make sense of it, and the only way they can do that is to blame us, our short comings are what led them to do this. We didn't have affairs, so that must mean they are ok, but we drove them to the affair.
So this is how they get by, and how they can cope...eventually this will run its course, and they will see(hopefully)what there actions did

Below is something that was eerily familiar to my own situation and feelings so I decided to add it on, I went capitals with my own additions.

Well put. For so long we focused only on improving ourselves, on identifying what our shortcoming were and listening to the complaints and needs of our S's, and making changes in ourselves. Suddenly, we find that our suppressed issues scream out for some attention.

OK, here are some of the issues I am dealing with:

1. Reassurrance that the OG is out of the picture forever. I still have many suspicious moments. They are based on nothing more than fear, really, and I don't put enough stock into them to do any snooping, but they're there. I've asked my W to try to provide reassurrance, but she rarely does. I STILL SEE THE OG SOCIALLY AS DOES MY WIFE SO IT BRINGS THE FEAR OF HIM CONTACTING HER AGAIN COME CLOSE TO HOME. UNTIL HE FACES ME MAN TO MAN, AND SAYS IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, I CANNOT FULLY TRUST HIM OR MY W.

2. Apparent unwillingness on the part of my W to work on the R. I say "apparent" because I think she thinks she is working on the R in her own way. However, she still avoids all of the following: R talks (including discussing my needs and issues, discussing the OG and the A, and discussing how we can improve our R), reading any R books or information on websites, going to a MC, etc. She seems to think that if we just both try harder (but especially me), that will fix all the problems. I HAVE THE DB AND DR BOOKS ALONG WITH DVDS AND CD'S BY MICHELLE, NOT EVEN AN INKLING OF INTEREST, YET I SAY THAT THERE ARE SO MANY COMMON THREADS AND SIMILARITIES.

3. Continued justification of the A / lack of remorse. This continues to annoy and sometimes enrage me. She seems to alternate between feeble "I'm sorry"s and outright disdain for my feelings about this. LACK OF REMORSE AND EVEN A SORRY EVERY NOW AGAIN WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. WHATEVER WORLD THEY LIVED IN, THEY CONVINCED THEMSELVES THAT IT WAS OK, AND THAT FEELING STILL LINGERS.

4. Coupled with #3 (and perhaps #2, come to think of it), my struggle to forgive. For some reason, which probably needs further investigation, I am further away from forgiving now than I was a month ago. I THINK IT IS EASY TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO IS SORRY AND FEELS REMORSE, FORGIVING FOR ITS OWN SAKE IS NOT GOING TO SATISFY OR RELEASE ME,

5. Reminders of the A. There was an episode of NYPD Blue on the other night that included a storyline about an A between this guy's W and a guy whose first name was the same as the guy my W had an A with. Hit way too close to home and I had to turn the channel. I KNOW THE PLACES, I HAVE BEEN THERE SINCE WE WERE MUTUAL FRIENDS AND MY MIND GOES THERE OFTEN. USED TO BE EVERY DAY, AND NOW LESS AND LESS, YET THERE ARE REMINDERS AND THE MOVIES AND TV DO ADD TO IT. THE ROMANCE AND EROTICISM PORTRAYED IN THE MOVIES ABOUT AFFAIRS MAKES ME TRULY ILL.

6. Occasional attacks of "this is never going to work" thinking. While things continue to improve generally, it seems almost every time we have even relatively small arguments, that's the first thing I think. Divorce never used to enter my mind - now it enters regularly, even though overall my attitude about it hasn't changed (i.e., I love her too much, it would be terrible, kids would be devastated, etc.) SOMETIMES, BUT MORE SO DUE TO # 2 FOR ME.

7. Resentment of her decision to have the A, and the resulting permanent loss. She didn't have to have an A to get my attention. She took something (the exclusivity of her intimacy with me) away from me and shared it with another. That can never be undone. We can improve many things, perhaps even have a M that is better than ever, but that unique aspect, that specialness, is gone forever. OUR WEDDING SONG WAS RANDY TRAVIS FOREVER AND EVER AMEN, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SING IT NOW. TOO EARLY TO TELL HOW IT WILL BE SEXUALLY SINCE WE HAVE ONLY DONE SOME DRUNKEN FOOLING AROUND. TERRIFIED TO GET MY MENTAL MOVIES IN BED.

8. Trust issues related to the A in general, and all the lies. This one's a no-brainer, just thought I'd through it in for completeness. IF I START TO THINK OF THE TIME LINES AND THE LIES IT SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL. IT IS WAY BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION AND EVEN UNDERSTANDING THE WOMAN I MARRIED AND THE WOMAN I LOVE WAS CAPABLE OF THAT. I SO STRONGLY AGREE WITH MICHELLE WHEN SHE TALKS ABOUT ERASING ALL THAT WAS GOOD IN THE MARRIAGE IN ORDER FOR THE MIND AND HEART TO ACCOMODATE THE WRONG DOING.

Well, this list doesn't include anything about what works or how to cope, so it's not too helpful in that regard. Maybe I can construct some ideas on that later.

THAT FELT VERY GOOD, AND I AM CONSUMED TODAY SO NEED TO FIND A WAY TO UNWIND.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE,

H

Hi,

It is good just to get things out there, and on paper, I try to keep a journal, because it can get some of this out, which then allows me to focus back on what I need to.

As you know everything takes time, and there is no set time frame, no 2 people are the same. I don't believe that things can be allowed to carry on indefinately without some discussion. But it comes down to a matter timing, and that is the most difficult, because you don't want to approach thing to soon, because it wount help, and you don't want to wait to long because you don't want them to think all is fine again.
So you have wait for the right opening, and then approach things very carefully!

But you have had some positive steps forward, and so thats a good thing, just keep doing what your doing and see what happens.
Please try to focus less on the past and more on you and your future.