Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? the door is now wide open!

Well, I've been locked out again, do I have the record yet? I've been thinking I should start dating myself like AT is doing! Hey Tom, maybe we could double date sometime?

Hullo, Wii! Found ya! How's the Christmas prep going? I am just about finished with it all ... thank goodness!

Well, it's hectic as usual, Being Me! I took today off work because I just felt so tired and my head was feeling like a balloon. I don't know whether I've picked up some little virus or I'm just stressed out, either way I haven't missed a day from work since all this started, so I took it. After doing all the bedsheets ALONE in the laundry room, I went out to get stocking stuffers for the kids, W says she's bought a few small things and I said I'd pick up the rest. I guess I'm starting to settle into this separation thing. The new apartment is now the old apartment and when the kids aren't here it means coming home to noone. It's all a big adjustment and I know I must allow myself some grieving. For 17 years a big part of my identity was tied up in being a couple, when I came home I wasn't alone...well, physically anyway! Now, that part of me has been cut away, it's gone and sometimes it feels like a big bottomless hole. I can't be with my W, nor do I want to, and I can't be with anyone else either. Sometimes I just feel scared that I will end up being that guy who comes home to his lonely little apartment and will never be someone special to anyone else again. I know in my head that it's not so, but right now everything is so new and frightening. I want to be happy being me but I'm not sure how to do it. I think Coffee Buddy was that little light at the end of the tunnel where I could still hold on to the belief that maybe someday I could be special to someone, not today, not next month but maybe someday. That was taken away from me too and understandably so. My W certainly seems to be getting along just fine without me, I don't sense any feelings of missing me! So now I'm left looking into what feels like darkness with not even the shimmer of a light anywhere in sight. Wow, am I a bummer tonight! Maybe I'll hop over to Stubborn's thread and see if I can drag her down with me Well, at least I won't be sitting around tonight, I'm going to go to my aerobics class, though I don't feel like it because I can use the exercise seeing as how I don't have any snow to shovel any longer. W shovelled three times yesterday...good! So enough of my pity party for tonight. Thanks for stopping by Being Me, I'll perk up, I promise
I think it's time for some serious re-framing of the old thought processes. How about a nice list of all the positive things about being separated...we'll go from there!

From Isaiah 30:20
"Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden from you no more; with your own eyes you will see them"

I'll keep on looking!

Have you read The Purpose Driven Life? It's one of my goals to do so ... I started it this year sometime, but put it down, and haven't picked it up again, but intend to this week. I feel my spiritual life is lacking, and drained. One thing I read while paging through the book is: "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love". That is so profound. I think love (of oneself, one's neighbor, family, mankind) is the greatest teacher of all.

Just a thought!

wii,

I could written your last thread. what happened to CB?

Hmm, what happened to CB? Well FLTC, CB is the mother of my D's friend and we began having coffee together while our children were at activities. I confided in her my marital situation and she was incredibly empathetic. She then shared her separation story with me because as she said "I want you to know that no matter how bad things get, they will get better". We would spend time together off and on, she told me she had a BF and I never pushed for more than what we were doing. In the early Fall she began initiating time with me and then suddenly when I separated from my W she stopped spending time with me at all. After a few weeks I asked her what was going on and she gave me a line about "chores" to do. Since then she has avoided me like the plague. Obviously more was going on there than just two coffee buddies and I certainly admit to having hopes that somewhere down the road we might be something together. I think she just recognized where this was going and cut it off. Naturally, I felt hurt by her lack of honesty about the reasons but I don't know what I'd do if I were in her place. I guess she let herself get a little carried away and then found herself in a situation that threatened her R. So that's that. Btw, I will be seeing her tomorrow night at the kids concert, I'm a bit nervous but I will be friendly if the oppotunity arises and if she avoids me then she avoids me. So basically I lost my M and at the same time lost someone who had been very supportive through this whole thing, a double whammy! That's the CB story, in short form. Oh, and yes, I made my own boat and apparently sunk it too!

I suppose we could double date wii.. but only after you are done with the virus thing.. as we dont want to catch anything .. other than fish, eh ? It is time to do the dishes and I think we have to decide who is washing and who is drying.. setting those boundaries early on in this new relationship, eh ?

Tom

AT, you be sure to let us all know how the dishes thing turns out, I know I'll be sleepless until I get the full scoop. You two kill me!
Tonight I had to pick the kids up at W's place and therefore had to wait about half an hour while oldest got ready, youngest was in the living room dancing and I sat down on the couch, suddenly the tears started flowing down my face. I felt so sad to be sitting in my old home where my whole life has been for 17 years and know I'm not there anymore. My D10 ran over and put her arms around me and asked what was wrong, I said "I miss you guys, your mom and our home" and she replied "you'll always have me and D13, Dad" after drying my tears I said "there are so many good memories here, sweetie" and she hugged me harder and said "you will soon have memories in your new home too, Daddy" I almost laughed out loud, she's such a little adult sometimes. You know, I think it was OK for her to see her Dad shedding tears over loss, I told her "I'm OK, we all need to cry sometimes when sad things happen and this was very sad" Btw, W was not home.
On a more playful note, I took D10 to the doctors tonight, she has a bad cough. One of the nurses was asking me how I was and we chatted for a few minutes. She then said "your D's are both bigger than I am now!" and I said "you're still such a young woman you've still got time to catch up!" She laughed. I then started talking to her in Chinese and she started giggling loudly. Another nurse asked "what did he just say to you?" and she said "He told me to be a good girl and eat my rice" She then looked me directly in the eyes and said "that is soooo cute!" So I guess Whatis has still got it, but in reality I never really did have it so I don't know where the heck this is all coming from.
Oh, another positive to report. W had water problems at home and I have refrained from rushing over and trying to fix it, even though I probably know what the problem is. She isn't asking for my opinion or help so I'm staying out of it. You can't imagine how hard that is for me! It's one way I showed how much I cared but it got me nowhere so I'm refraining, as hard as it is. It's my family I still want to care for them so badly but what is is.
Later Dbers

You have a really wise kid there, Wii. She is sooooo right! You will make new, good memories in your new life. Just have to be a tad patient! Good on you for doing a spot of flirting with the nurses ... may as well get in some practice, 'eh!

I agree with you in not rushing over to solve any problems at the W's house. She needs to figure stuff out, and practice a spot of independence, anyway. As long as the children are safe, and getting what they need, then it's best for her to solve these kinds of problems.

Take care.