Maybe I could help more if you can answer some things for me. It seems your H is pretty particular about how he likes his sex.
1. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? What you will find is that physical touch is probably within the top 3 for H. If so, he is going to want sex his way for a while until he feels that love and wants to give EN to you. So for the time being, maybe doing it his way is the way to go.
2. I get the picture that your not fully attracted to him. Could you push that aside a bit and let him know that you are attracted to him, and would like to have a special night alone? Say that you will arrange for a sitter, get the kids to your sister's or something and make a night of it.
3. Keep in mind a guy's ego is larger then life, but it is made of glass. My W has been pretty open with my questions so far on the OM, she mentioned that most seemed to be sexual questions and she understood why. She did give reassurance about hmm, a few things, and that felt nice. So maybe you can stroke that ego a little. Take each chance you get, and tell him how manly he is. Remember we do things for results, and then like to get a medal for that success. Women want to be validated and build the relationship.
Why I'm saying these things, is I think if you swallow some of your ugh! I don't want him physically or what not, for a while, and pretend and give him what he wants, maybe he will start to respond to your needs. Just keep your eyes peeled for when he takes the smallest baby step and then pat him on the ego back for it. We are pretty dumb creatures when it comes to emotional intelligence, and I put on about the equivalent IQ of a dog, you have to lead around on the leash and train hard. Hope it helps.
1. I haven't read that book. I'm sure you are right about it being his top 3 things... If i could only figure out how he wants it to be, that'd be great. It seems like I do one thing and it's good tonight, but try it again tomorrow and it's the end of the world.
2. I stuff the not being attracted to him as much as humanly possible. I talk about it here because I can, but he doesn't know the extent of it. Maybe this weekend I can try that. I used to do that alot, but haven't in a long time. I really try not to have the "too little too late" attitude, but when it comes to this i have. I used to do this so much and still get turned down. It's hard going to that much trouble only to have someone say no. I have to stop thinking like that though. I have to give him a clean slate on this stuff! Thanks.
3. Large glass ego. hehe... I know that my H's ego is extremely fragile. It always has been. That's why for a long time i didn't tell him i wasn't attracted to him, but blamed it on the pregnancy. I couldn't bear to "hear the glass break." I got some good advice here that took it more from I'm not attracted to you to it's hard for me to get in the mood for sex without being in love. I still don't think he fully knows that I'm not attracted to him and I don't plan to come right out and tell him. He doesn't know he's not my type, we don't talk about it. I try to reassure him when he asks questions. He knows that i didn't really find OM attractive and that it really was an EA, so that does help. He's been losing weight and doing some excersizing at home, so i've told him that he's looking really good. He's got this joke he started right after he decided that he was going to make me fall in love with him again (his words) He says "I'm a sexy beast baby, how can you not love this..." I giggle and he cracks up. So a few times I've told him he really is and that I'm lucky to have him. He likes that. I try to praise the small things. I think i just need to pay more attention to those. He is probably doing stuff that I expect him to, i should thank him for those too.
Thanks for the advice. I do notice that he is nicer and more thoughtful when he is feeling good about himself. hopefully i can make him feel that way more often.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Well, apparently he either wasn't upset about the way our previous evening ended or he chose not to deal with it. Either way, he seemed plesant when i got home. He had wrapped a few presents that I had needed to wrap. I thanked him for that a lot. He never wraps presents, so It was really nice. Told him what a good job he did. We went to a small christmas party for the family. We had a whole list of stuff to do when we got home, finish the christmas cards, do some laundry, finish decorating... i was also supposed to make cookies and an arts and craft thing for my work.
Well, we got out of the party and had a flat tire. *sidenote*I am sooo getting AAA.* I have roadside service through my insurance and cell phone. (My truck is lifted so it needs a mechanical lift rather than just the standard jack.) We waited over 2 hours for those to come through (in the rain w/ 2 very very cranky babies) finally a friend just called AAA for us... 15 minutes. Geez. Same tow company too.... anyways. We got home at like 1:30am. H went to his dads house to borrow a car for me today and so he could take the truck into the car place. He got home at like 4am cause his dad needed his help while he was there. got home, I thanked him for taking so much time for me, he said it needed to be done. then we talked for a little bit about his family (constant source of drama and entertainment)finally fell asleep at about 4:45. No chance of donig anything last night, but i told him that i had wanted to. He said he didn't expect anything at 4:45am and that i needed to sleep. I appreciated that and told him.
woke up late this morning, got almost 2 hours sleep. moved carseats to the new car, couldn't find my wallet. H had a fit about it. Not sure why, probably cranky from a lack of sleep. he kept going off about me not ever doing anything right and whatnot. I started crying cause I'm exhausted, pregnant, frustrated, and late for work and now he's yelling and wants to talk to me. I said goodbye and love you and left. I called him later and apologized for over reacting. he said he was sorry too. We both agreed that a long night like that followed by no sleep was the cause and it was no big deal.
Hopefully tonight, I can do more for him and get all my stuff done. Not a bad night, but my gosh was it long...
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Okay.... so. I really feel bad for my H today. He's home during the day and his schedule can be flexible, so we decided that he would be the one to take the cars to get work done and such.
We have a warranty on my truck. He took it in, they couldn't find the warranty info on it in their system, then they gave about 100 BS reasons that it wouldn't be covered anyways, poor H. He was so frustrated. he just told the guy to call me. He did, I called the dealer that sold me the car, the warranty place and what do you know... it's covered. I called him and told him not to worry. This was how his whole day basically went.
I was thinking that I need to do something for him to make him feel good about himself. Based on the ego info earlier, i'm thinking that it must have hurt to tell the service guy "i don't know, call my wife" It seems like all day he's been having to call me because something he is doing or trying to do is not going right and he needs me to help him figure it out. I can't find a sitter tonight, i tried. Any ideas for how I can make him feel good. Anything. He spent his whole day trying to get my car fixed and I just wanted to thank him and make him feel good. Things other than sex would be good. He'll be pretty much expecting that i think since it's been like 4 days. worst case senario, i end up taking yesterdays recommendation of making him a tackling dummy... hehe :)Thanks.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
make his favorite dinner, feed him desert on the couch while he watches his lame show, telling him how wonderful he is. If he doesn't respond to that, then the man is either gay or dead. Dang that is all I got. I think that is because that's what I want.
I had a dr. appt yesterday. we both went. then we had to pick up our girls and go take something to my MIL, by the time we got done it was about 7:30 and he decided he wanted to go out to eat, so we did. The girls were cranky because they'd just spend almost 2 hours in the car and all they wanted to do it run around. He doesn't handle it well when they start getting restless and we are out, so he was frustrated.
We got home, i put the girls to bed, we watched tv for a little bit and then decided we should go to bed because he wasn't feeling well and we hardly had any sleep the night before. He went and laid down, i wanted to pick up some of the mess the girls had made so we wouldn't have to wake up to that. I tucked the girls back into their blankets and went to bed. so I start kissing him and stuff... he stops me and asks me why i'm doing that. Asked him if he wanted me to stop and he said "for now, why" first of all WTH? ok... whatever. I told him that i wanted to. He asked if i thought we were giong to have sex and I told him I'd like to. He asked if that was what i really wanted. I said yes. He asked why. I told him i just wanted to be with him. He asked if I was doing it for him. I told him that i wanted to make him feel good. That it made me happy when i could do that. (this is the wrong answer!!!)that started a whole back and forth on how he just wants me to want him, and want sex. he doesn't want me doing it for him. he said that knowing that makes him not even want to do that...etc etc etc...
So, here's the question. Should i have lied? i don't want to lie. I didn't come right out and say, "i don't want to, i'm only doing this because you want it", but it had that same effect. I want to be honest with him, but i don't want to lie. I tried avoiding the why, but he wasn't taking that. We ended up going to sleep with a kiss goodnight.
He woke up this morning feeling miserable (sick). I think the lack of sleep and the night we spent in the rain waiting for the tow truck made him sick again. He gave me a big hug and kiss when he dropped me off.
I think i've been in a constant state of confusion.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
