Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

Jab, Your W will be tested also. Pray for her. When you are a man, then HER mood will not affect YOUR mood. This morning was ALL about her and none about you. You needn't cowar, explain, or defend, just be a man. Strong, faithful, and confident. The sh?t kicken, fearless, warrior that you are. Nothing she does will harm you, or phase you because you are a MAN!

Your W's friends will bury themselves. Allow her to be hurt by them. Nothing they have to offer will create fulfillment and joy for her, that's YOUR job. If she goes places without you, just know with confidence, there isn't another man on this planet that can measure up to you. She may be looking, but she won't be finding. All the BS that Hollywood has to offer, all those friends of hers, they're all fake, liars, and cheaters. She'll see through them don't you worry. She's learning too, and maybe she needs a little hard lesson to really understand the reality of what's good in life. She may have gotten that this morning.

So you just sail YOUR ship my brother. Tall and proud, fearless and faithful. Let nothing or nobody rob you of the joy and fulfillment that is the reality you create. The evil one is testing you my brother. he'll use the nastiest of tactics to pull you off your game, make you stumble, rock your boat. Stay the course, pray your butt off, and embrace the struggle.

You are a warrior!!!

God Bless,

COG

cog, you have a way with words. no doubt. talked to a christian counselor today, pretty much followed what you had told me last week.be the man i know i can be.sorry to butt in guys.

And you can get a lot of advice on 'being a man' from the makingherhappy dot com web site. David has a free daily e-mail and archives of stories and suggestions. It's helped a lot of us.

I'm looking for their archives but not finding anything - Am I looking in the wrong place?

LOL, I know.

W called me at work & asked if she brought food if I wanted to have dinner with her. W felt bad about this morning. I was going to do some things but said 'sure'.

W was in an ok mood (not great), not very cheery but not angry. She brought photo frame and I showed her what I did & how 2 use it. Played on PS3 with W & kids for awhile while cooking dinner (Almost felt like 'family time'). I tried to act ASIF the best I could.

A few items in conversation disappointed me a little but I tried to keep my mouth shut & let go.

W's friend (mutual friend/couple) has an annual trip they go on & W was invited (in past, whole family was invited on these trips). I didn't really have an issue with it. W told me the date & it was the exact date that I get off of IHD. I was a little upset because I was hoping by that time things would be better between us. I don't know how it came up but W said something about her not feeling comfortable going with me, she planned on going by herself and not to take it too hard. It just bothered me that she doesn't feel 'comfortable enough', especially how she's been acting. IMHO, W has no idea what she wants right now. I know I messsed some things up in our R/M over the past 5-6 years, but based on things I have been finding out over past 5-6 months, W has done/is doing things to make it alot worse and alot harder to reconcile.

W also told me that same friend decided 2 be W's 'designated driver' for Thurs & W can leave car & stay afterwards at friend's house until next AM. Guess W isn't coming here. W later asked me if I had a problem with her going out 'bar-hopping' that night. I said no, but I probably showed different & I think W picked up on it. I told W I want her to be able to have a good time, it was myself that I had the problem with. I went on a little about how I was disappointed with myself and all the 'self-inflicted punishment' I have caused/had to deal with. I just said that I wanted this year's holidays to be different, not like this. I said I was upset because of the situation I put her in and all the damage it caused (her co-workers, her feelings for me, etc..) Earlier this year, I was looking forward to this year's holidays & having fun with her/family.

It was a brief conversation but I know I shouldn't have said anything at all about how I felt (I think I could've screwed it up alot worse if I let my emotions take over). I was only trying to deter her from thinking that I was upset that she was going out 'bar-hopping' without me.

Her physical contact was pretty much nonexistent tonight, she did smile and laugh a few times but it was limited. I tried to show her as much fun as I could but her mood made it hard. Honestly, I'm a little perplexed as to why she even came over tonight. I think I know why (W is lonely/misses me) but I really don't know if it's that or that she pitys/feels bad for me or all of the above. W did reach for a hug/kiss goodbye when she was leaving but made sure it wasn't on the lips or too intimate. I didn't push or pressure anything.

So the positives that I see:
1) W called me, W came over here...again.
2) W apologized for this morning, she cared enought about how I felt.
3) W feeling comfortable enough to spend time with me (it wasn't for the kids because I've had them for past 4 nights)
4) W not rejecting ALL intimacy.
5) W is worried how I feel about her going out 'bar-hopping', going on vacation without me, etc.

The negatives I see:
1) I opened my big mouth too much
2) W going out on THUR, not coming here, prob going to drink alot, staying with a friend that I don't trust (as far as I know).
3) Intimacy backslide since last week. She was more intimate earlier last week, not sure if it's because of S, because W was just in bad mood, or because W is confused about what she wants.
4) I had no chance of any 'alone time' this week to GAL.


Things I need to do:
1) Try to 'study' for Thursday's 'test'. I hope I get an A, but it's going to be a tough one
2) Stop opening my big mouth.
3) Start GAL. I knew this was going to be hard at first because of IHD.
4) Let go & be more patient.

Still praying, this is NOT easy at all! Trying to let go & 'go with it', trying not to be scared of the future. This sucks!

P.S. - I was typing last post when I got all the replys. COG, you are wonderful my man! You tell me what I need to know and how you say it I can relate to. I apologize for focusing on W and not me in my last post. This is sort of 'journaling' for me as well. I type up events and read them back to see if I can learn something about myself and the situation. I sometimes see things that I did wrong (or right) after typing it/reading it back to myself. I sometimes see things that I didn't see when it happened. That's what I do. I know I need to stop focusing on W but it is the holidays & I feel like I'm in jail (basically am). If this S does go far past Feb, my situation and attitude will shift dramatically. I'm just 'doing time' right now and watching life just pass me by 'through my barred window', while I'm 'handcuffed' to this apt. I feel very helpless, all I can do is pray, project the right attitude, act appropriately, and hope it's enough to make a difference right now..

Thanks again, COG. Please continue the words of wisdom when you see fit. You better believe I'm praying for my W & I think you understand EXACTLY what I am feeling/talking about/going through right now.

at the bottom of the 'makingherhappy' website is a link to the Blog, which is where the archives, free reports and other stuff are found

Thanks frank_D,

Had a horrible nightmare about W last night, woke up in a sweat. When I finally got up 2 have some coffee, get ready 4 day I started thinking about things.

I'm thinking I have done things wrong in the past, but I don't deserve this (what I'm dealing with). I may deserve some of it but not all this. I'm a little angry. The more I think about the past several months, the more I start to see that my W has the problem. I NEVER did anything close to what she has been doing to me lately. It really upsets me that she has been acting the way she has at new job for several months (the impression that she wants to f*** someone, all her friends think I'm an a**, W feels uncomfortable doing things with me, W was 'fishing' for an A, W blaming all her unhappiness on me, etc..). All my life I was always the 'likeable' guy. I was always easily approachable and 'fun-loving'. Yeah, I was depressed for awhile but I haven't been a dark, depressed, unapproachable, selfish drunk for 10 years! Not even close!

As far as I can see, I'm the 'strong' one in this situation. She is my W, we have kids. I NEVER flirted with other women or anything like that. When things were bad I tried to talk about how I felt (may not have always had a positive outcome but I tried). I just don't get it. Can I forgive all of this? Will I ever trust her? All I ever wanted was love that a W could offer and to give that back in return. A family. A happy life. This is bull****. I've worked so hard to get where I am and W is s***ting all over my life and acts like it's all my fault. Yeah, I neglected her at times. Yeah, I drank alot at times when things got rough. But, I never disrespected her, I accepted her faults. A spouse is supposed to be there to support you when the 'chips are down'. I was there for her, what the h*** happened when I needed the support?!

Sorry, just venting. I understand alot, but I really cannot see what I did that was SO BAD that I deserve this type of treatment. Got to get ready for work now. I will pray for W today (and 4 myself to let go of this anger/resentment that I'm feeling right now).

Hi Jab

All IMO again...

I've thought all of this type of stuff too - but please don't ever tell your W about these thoughts otherwise you're back to square one. You might feel wronged but so does she. She's expressing her feelings about them. I don't think you should - that would be making excuses. You've got to man-up and take responsibility. Part of that process is not to make excuses.

Ignore the messages she's giving out about finding someone else. Same happened to me - W telling me how there were loads of men buying her drinks, walking her home etc etc. I see it as my W re-establishing herself as an attractive woman in control and able to make choices rather than the woman my actions had turned her into. I'm pretty sure this has just been talk - and the thing is, if those opportunities are available and your W chooses not to take advantage of them them thats a great choice from your perspective. You've got to roll with the Thurs sitch and let your W make her own choices. IMO show her max trust and who knows, she may repay you.

Best - GFI

What was the last thing I wrote to you about the obstacles you would face? Go back and read my last post to you because you just ran face first into the two biggest ones.

Pride & self-righteousness.

And just so you know, you don't get to decide what you "deserve" for the way you acted. YOU are NOT in control of the way your wife feels today due to your previous actions over the years. You have no say in the culmination of all the feelings she experienced while being married to a drunk. Step down, jab. This can get ugly if you don't open your eyes. 2 months of sobriety is a hell of an accomplishment and I am proud of you but really, you're just a dry drunk at this point and there is much work left for you to accomplish. If you let yourself get hung up on what you "deserve" you might as well move yourself into that apartment lock, stock and barrel because you will not be going home.

At this point, it's still your choice.