ST Thanks for the interesting military perspective. I had heard that too, that the media vs. reality is pretty different (shocking eh? ).
Still hanging in there waiting on the BD thing - it's this coming Thursday (the 13th) so we'll see what happens between now and then. Good ideas if I do go over to his mom's...thanks!
f21 Thank you!! Yes sooo glad to be caught up on sleep, amazing what a difference that makes. I need to check in on you, know you had a tough convo coming up.
Catching up...
First off, just got back from a great time meeting a fellow DB'er - lots of fun!! More on that in a sec.
I originally was heading to Sonoma on Friday but almost everyone canceled - so I decided to make it Sat. only and save my $$ for another attempt in a month or two (think December was maybe a rough month to have a get together for a lot of people). H had a race on Friday that I went to for part of the day and had a good time. Got to spend some semi-quality time together and also catch up with another friend, so that was good. Also learned that limiting the time and having my own car there were good boundaries for me - I felt a lot "safer" knowing I could leave if I wanted. Wasteful on gas I suppose but worth it.
This morning I got up and packed and left for Sonoma - H was hilarious. We had been sitting on the couch enjoying morning coffee/tea when I got up to pack and stuff. H saw the suitcase and said "Oh you're going somewhere?" I said "Yeah remember, I asked if you'd be home to make sure someone was here to watch the dog." He said "Oh yeah... well, I didn't know it was overnight." (I'm scratching my head thinking... why ELSE would someone need to watch the dog?). Then we had this convo:
H: Where are you going again? Did you tell me already? Me: Sonoma. H: Oh - by yourself? Me: No, meeting some friends. H: Oh, well, that'll be fun then. [in a funny tone... like if it wasn't w/friends it wasn't fun.. which is something that always bugged me in the past so I did comment on it] Me: I had fun by myself there too though, love that place. H: True. Oh.. so, overnight? Me: Yeah. H: All girls? Me: Don't think so. Have a good night - see ya tomorrow!
H looked entirely confused... gave me a big hug and kiss and said to have fun, though.
So... on to Sonoma. WOW what a beautiful day. The storms are gone and the rain really cleared out the air so it was just a beautiful drive. I stopped in at one of my favorite wineries from my trip a couple months back and wandered for a bit, took some pictures, tasted some wine... it was nice. I tried to take photos from the same views as my prior trip. I'm thinking I'll try and do this a few times a year, and that it would be neat to take photos from similar views over time and various seasons.
Got to my hotel and WOW again!! This room is incredible. I thought the last place I stayed in Sonoma was nice but this is even better, especially for winter time! I picked it mostly for location which is walking distance from the Plaza, but had no idea how nice the room would be. It has a fireplace!! Complete with a Duraflame log that I am now enjoying whole-heartedly. It also has a sliding glass door that opens to a private deck/patio... the patio gate then leads to a courtyard with a really pretty fountain, covered/heated spa, pool, steam room, and a gas fire-pit. It would probably be really nice if it was just a tiny bit warmer or less windy. It's so windy right now that literally I'm listening to the wind whistle through the court yard... kind of an eerie sound (and loud enough it's coming through the walls!). Love the fireplace though. It's pretty great to be here in Sonoma in front of a fire typing to everyone... ahhhh.
Only one other DB'er made it to the DB "meetup" - but it was great!! We met for what was originally going to be drinks til we waited for the dinner reservation - but it was kind of awkward since only two of us came, so instead of eating in the dining room area we just ordered a small dinner in the bar and hung out. Seemed like time flew by, I couldn't believe it was 11 when we left! (or maybe even a bit later). I won't say too much here for now - not sure how much he wants mentioned online - but we had a good talk. Always nice to vent/talk. We seem to be in similar places where things are just comfortable enough that we're "sort of OK" with it but both recognize it's not nearly enough - so was good to talk to someone in a similar situation.
Tomorrow plan to head back over to the Plaza and do a little Christmas shopping before heading home. It's funny, I've only been gone from home since about 10:30 this morning... but feel like it's been a week or more. Not sure if it's travel in general, being here, or what... sure helps my strength, though.
Off to catch up on others...
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I nearly forgot to mention... it's funny because I go to meetups all the time, went all the way to San Diego last year to meet with some other DB'ers, but for some reason this was tougher! I'm glad neither of us chickened out as I know we both had thoughts of it.. hehe.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
H: True. Oh.. so, overnight? Me: Yeah. H: All girls? Me: Don't think so. Have a good night - see ya tomorrow!
You're too funny - "Don't think so." HA!!!
It's pretty classic, of course. You start pulling away, being mysterious, he starts wondering what YOU might be up to, he starts rethinking his plans to D.
Of course, it's also possible he doesn't even remember than convo in which he last mentioned D. I think a lot of the time they don't remember the things they said to us, and then they are confused by us reacting to what they said - because they don't remember saying it!!!!
You sound really great. It is so nice to see for you. Must be just what the doctor ordered.
You were too funny. I too loved your response to H of "don't think so" about it only being girls. Heehee. You done good, Nik! And good thinking on taking a separate car to the race Friday night and limiting your time there.
It's likely your H is waiting for others to make some of the decisions about his BD for him. There's nothing wrong with you deciding what you will or won't do, so you can at least have a plan for that day even if he doesn't. It seems to me like it'd just plain be uncomfortable to go to his Mom's. If it were me, I think I'd act as if it's never been an option (for me) to go there with the way she's been.... but with no hard feelings of course, just the way it is right now... and with no expectation of what he would do either, of course. That's a boundary I'd like to think I would have anyway. It's good to be consistent on how you expect others to treat you, and your H has a front row seat to that R. I think it really shows him, not just yourself, how you will be treated. If you don't value you enough, he won't either. You know that, just wanted to share my thoughts.
Your hotel room sounds so nice. Glad you and the other DBer who was able to make it enjoyed a meal together. Have fun shopping today. It's so great to hear your strength is improved already with this retreat. I think it's a good sign you felt like you'd been gone for a week already.
Have a great Sunday!!! (((((NikB)))))
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Nikki-- You sound so good--the room sounded wonderful! I wonder if I should try to do something similar next weekend...spend an overnight in front of a fire while H is cleaning up my yard....
You always remind me of the road ahead, living and going on with or without H.
sounds really cool! I wish I was close enough to have joined you guys! I bet you were both were relieved that you each showed up!
I think you taking your own car to the race is a good idea. ya, wasted gas, but it leaves you in control, and that's definitely important right now.
So have you moved into your room yet????? hhmmmmmmm?????
I liked your response to H too. whatcha gonna say about it when you get home???!!! now that only 1 guy showed up!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
nikki, sorry it was such a small turnout, but sounds like you had a good time! wish I lived closer, I definitely would have been up for it.
Nikki,
I am not sorry it was such a small turn out. I mean it would have been fine if other had showed up but I had a fantastic time. Time just flew by. I don't know if it was because I was tense all day worried about meeting you but before the night was over I felt like I had the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I was singing to myself all day Sunday. My son even said "Ok dad that’s enough". I don't remember allot about what we talked about. The night was just a blur. But one thing I do remember was the fact that when you hold off doing something and then you finely do it and say "Why didn't I do this sooner".........
Well that’s the way I feel now, Thanks for the great time. Maybe next time the other will show up and have a little fun too. But if they don’t oh well I know I will have a great time...
Thanks Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doing a little 180 and journaling first THEN will reply...
Journaling:
After Sat. night I was feeling great!! And Sunday was soooo nice. The wind died down and it was really sunny and beautiful in Sonoma. I woke up late... enjoyed a leisurely time sitting in my room, listening to the fountain, etc. Checked out and then went downtown to wander around and Christmas shop. Then realized I had no idea what to get anyone.. so I bought a few souvenirs for myself but mostly browsed. I had an interesting "ah ha" moment. I remembered my last trip I was desparately scouring the stores thinking I "HAD" to find the perfect thing to decorate my room .. you know, that thing I'd look at and be instantly transported to another time and place and life would be great? That thing.
Anyway.. obviously that doesn't exist... but this time when I found things I liked I just felt at peace. I didn't question myself, put way TOO much significance on it, etc. I got a winter-y decoration - pine branch with bird nest, covered in "snow", and then picked out a bird for the nest, and I got a really pretty carved stone candle holder.. just little things like that. I put them out in the living room and they've been making me smile a lot. The nest/bird is my only "holiday" decoration out so far and somehow it feels really good that the first decoration is something I picked all on my own. Had a really nice lunch out in a courtyard and enjoyed the flowers, hummingbirds, just time to think.
I halfway (ok maybe 20% of the way..) seriously looked at apartments near the plaza. I feel SO at home there every time I go it's just incredible. I need to figure out what "it" is that makes me feel that way. If it's just the fact of being on vacation I can't really replicate that regularly - but if it's something more, I want to figure out what it is and make that a goal in my life. I THINK I'm more of a "small town" girl than I ever realized... I find myself drawn lately towards smaller towns, or towards small-town-like celebrations. (i.e. the chicken festival, tree lighting, Sonoma plaza).
Drove home most of the way with the convertible top down... as I got closer to home it got colder and colder so I finally pulled over to put it up when I was shivering and teeth were rattling . I was singing at the top of my lungs the whole time, too. I was telling husband (not mine, the DB'er) that I forget sometimes I'm a horrible singer and only sing in the car - but now that I have a convertible people can hear me!! Gotta keep that in mind.
About 30 minutes from home my phone rang and it was H... I answered (top down, radio loud) and he said "Wow cruising?" I said "Yep!" He said he was on his way to the store to get our "traditional" Sunday steak dinner stuff and wanted to be sure I hadn't already gone to the store. Not sure what to make of that but it was interesting... the assumption I'd be home, the eagerness on his part to make it "our" usual night, just kinda struck me as interesting.
I got home and he said "Have fun?" and pretty much rushed out to help me bring in my suitcase.. I said "Yep! Great time!" and that was it. He didn't ask more but kept looking at me funny, especially when I put up the decorative things that I got.
We had steak dinner.. he made a really nice fire.. watched a movie.. snuggled a bit on the couch. I downloaded my pics to the laptop but didn't get them up online yet - noticed he was watching both that and me emptying my suitcase really closely. Oh and he even found a reason to bring up what he did Sat. night (when I didn't ask after he dropped several hints he brought it up again and told me where he went). Turns out he went down the street and had dinner with the neighbors. That really surprised me.
All in all still very detached, more watching out of curiosity than anything... and feeling stronger after my trip.
-------------------------------------------------------- Ok on to replies!
Max Aw sorry it's dark, wet, and horrible! Hope you had a better day.
Hmm there seem to be a lot of you in the UK - are any of you close enough together to do a meet there??
Ellie Glad you liked that. I think the "Don't think so" sounds kinda "cocky" here where it was really more of a non-chalant "Oh I'm not sure who all is coming" but I'm sure it sent the same message, nontheless.
You know, he's NEVER mentioned D... he's mentioned wanting to be "not married," "broken up," "great friends but that's it," but never D. I think it sounds less "important" to him if he doesn't label it what it is or something. Dunno. But yeah, he 'forgets' stuff/convos ALL the time. I told him SOOO many times about being gone Sat. night to make sure he'd be home to watch the dog... Sat. comes, suitcase comes out, and it's like "Hey are you going somewhere?" Geez.
f21 Thanks so much - especially for checking in when you had so much going on!!
You know, I think you're right on the birthday. His mom called him tonight and now he won't answer her calls even. Weird. I figured she'd be the one to "decide" for him on his birthday, but he's apparently not allowing that to happen. It's all so strange.
You are SO right and it's funny, during my thinking time in Sonoma I had the same thought - I DON'T want to be around his mom right now. If he does go to his mom's I think I will pass. I feel like some awful W for saying that but like you said - it just doesn't feel like it should even be an option for me, I don't want to be around her when she's been rude/dismissive to me. I don't want to sit there all night wondering what she's heard or why she dislikes me (or if she does). Yuck. Thanks for the insight!!
Donna Thank you!! Oooh great idea - yes, find somewhere to enjoy yourself while your H freezes in the yard. You must know someone (or some hotel) where you can do that??
ST Me too!! I'd love to meet you.
Yeah, I agree on the control, that made a big difference in my whole feeling/attitude, I think.
Umm..room.. um.. what?? Ok ok, no. Although I lived in hotels/motels the last few nights except Sun, does that count?? I'm still trying to force myself to do it... it's just such a leap!! It sounded safe until I went to do it, then got really scary.
As for H - I haven't said a word about one guy attending! It was kind of funny actually because (and I think 'husband' the DB'er will back me up on this) it was kind of awkward since only the two of us showed up. Cool in that it was great for visiting, but it was weird in that the waitress kept saying things like "So are you two OK?" (I haven't been "you two" with someone other than H in a very long time!!). I mean WE knew we weren't there on a date or having an A or something but I'm sure from outside appearances it was a bit different. I always wonder what people at nearby tables think if they hear DB'ers talking about OW, OM, "bomb day," etc. too. Doesn't matter THAT much but I'm sure it sounds pretty crazy from an outside perspective.
H did look through my pics a bit - I took only scenery type ones and none at dinner as we both agreed it might not be a great idea (although now wishing we'd taken pics.. but we just thought it might look bad even though it wasn't). In looking at my pics H asked where the ones of me and my friends were - I said we didn't take pics that part of the night.. that's about all though. (hindsight I should've said "what happens in Sonoma stays in Sonoma" or something fun like that!).
Sally Would love to meet you sometime!! Hmm gotta think of somewhere worth visiting that's in between for all of us... hmmm.
husband Y'know, I hafta agree! I had a great time, as well. Awww I feel bad you were tense about meeting me, I'm not scary, I promise.
Funny that stood out for you on what we talked about... it did for me as well, although I'm still not so sure what it actually means.
Yep, looking forward to a next visit soon!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
). 
It is so nice to see for you. Must be just what the doctor ordered.
