Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Here Again What To Do?

Having never read the book myself, I cannot say for sure. But I believe that lwb is saying that it may be emotionally painful to read this book.

I do know that, while reading NJF, another DBer became angry and threw the book across the room...

Regarding whether to tell or not. I am afraid that I don't have an answer for you. I see advantages and disadvantages of doing both.

Sorry....

ps: congratulations, you are my 1000th post... Unfortunately, there is no prize...

Mark is right. It was very hard for me to read, because I realized just how attached my H and OW were, how emotionally involved they were. It was devastating to me.

Thanks for the input... I met a girl friend for dinner tonight and she told me that telling will only make you feel better for about a minute. Then your world is changed for ever. So that is definatly something that I need to talk to my councilor about, but I don't have an appt until the 19th, eek. So until then I will go about life just as I have been for the last week or so. Still working on the R with H and trying to keep contact with OM to a minimum. I have not told OM what my intentions are yet but he will know something is up when this weekend rolls around we are supose to go to a b-day party for one of our friends. I have to come up with some reason that I can't go. I know lies that is what got me where I am at, not being true to me. But possibly he has discovered that I have picked up my things that I had left at his place for, just in case. Early on I had left shower gel and lotion, which the shower gel was in the shower when I went to pick everything up today while I was on lunch. No I don't have a key to his place, he is a very trusting soul he never locks his house, and neither do his parents. I find this odd but it seems to be normal for them. But in all honesty he really has nothing that is worth taking, you know a single guy living alone.
I put H in charge of find a councilor for us, but one thing that I realised today is there is only one night a week that we have together that we can go, and that is Friday night. Monday night we bowl together on a league, Tuesday night I bowl, Wednesday night H bowls, Thursday D has class until 6:30 so one of us needs to be avilible to pick her up, and that leaves Friday night OH yeah and weekends. But we definately do need one there are issues that were never even touched when we went before. Like why did we start living seprate lives, not just we started living seprate live OH well.
I don't know what it is why I can just turn off the feelings that for the OM that were so strong a month ago.

I am so not the expert here, but I would end it completely with OM before you tell H. But this doesn't mean 'in the future', it means now. I can tell you that just you having shower gel at his house (if my H had shower gel at OW's house) would make me lose it. If you want to work things out with H, you are going to have to shut OM completely out, NO contact. Yes, your feelings won't go away, but its a conscious decision we have to make as adults. A committment to your H.

I wish you luck. See if you can bump that appt for yourself, I think that's a good idea.

Well OM noticed that my stuff was gone and he called me while I was out on lunch and I was in a store at the time. I told him that this was not the time or place for us to have this discusion. But I eventually left the store and talked to him when I was in my car. He asked if he did anything or if H did anything to change my mind, I told him it was ALL me. There was just something that happened to me inside and I could not give him a reason why I wanted to stay with H that he would have understood. You see that OM was constantly trash talking H, and I of course let it happen, because at the time things weren't good. I am not saying that things are wonderful with H and I but they are getting better. We are learning to talk to each other rather than at each other. Ironically I was at the book store looking at the book Love and Respect, and the workbook to go along with it for H and I to work through, but I did not buy it because I have a coupon for the bookstore and I left it at home.

OM asked me if everything was over the friendship too. I told him that was entirely up to him to descide. He knows how to get a hold of me, but I know it will be a good while before that will ever happen. And IF and thats a big IF it does happen there will be some ground rules laid out. First and formost H will be included in what ever we do, no questions asked. No more of the just the two of us going out, period. And that is only if H will let me see him at all. I know that the best is to just let him go and not plan on seeing him at all ever again.

As for bumping my appt up there is no way, the lady that I go to is only at the office that I go to a couple nights a week. Other wise she is at one of thier other offices, they are not computerized at the one that I go to so there is no way for my file to get to her at the other office, in the next town. And she also works in our counties court system with the family law side of things. When I made my first appt. I was a month out to get that one. But I really like this one she seems to understand what I am going through a bit more than the one I had before when H had his A.

Now I am worried about the back lash that I am going to get from the friends that OM and I have had since high school. I got a call already from one, actually my ex from high school. The others I think will leave me alone but not sure yet. The call was not bad at all, he just wanted to talk to me and he assured me that he was not going to trash me because of what I did to his friend. I beleive him, but I just don't trust him a whole lot.

I wonder why I am not an emotional wreck? I just broke up with a man that I was about ready to leave my H for. I think that says something, what for sure I don't know. Maybe because I know that I have made the right choice in staying and working on a maybe not so perfect R with H to make it a little bit closer to perfect.

Now what I have another week and a half before my next appt. with my C and hope that H does not find out anything. BTW I am still looking at other input on that subject. Looking to someone who has been in my shoes that can give me insite on do I tell or don't I tell. I just have a feeling that things will evenutally come out any how, I am not one who can keep stuff like that bottled up inside for too long. I can keep stuff that friends tell to myself very easily but stuff like this it will just get to me.

Now I bet you are wondering how I got away with the A for so long if I can't keep a secret. We would always go out before and it would just be a friend thing. Well after the A started we just did the same thing, as far as H knew.

So H had no problem w/ you going out w/ this OG all the time and it turned into an A? Well, I have to tell you that if others knew that you 2 were intimate, your H will find out sooner or later and it would probably be better if he finds out from you rather than from someone else -- including OM if he decides he's upset/mad enough about it. He may not think he's mad that you are "breaking up" w/ him right now, but you don't know what is going to happen from here on out.

Just got off the phone with one of the OM friends and he told me that OM is pretty much deflated to descibe it at best. That does not make me feel very good that I have hurt someone so badly.

Now on to the telling H about OM. That will be hard OH so hard.

OK I was listening to the radio earlier today and really listened to the following song and thought WOW. That is really how I feel.

From Album - Jordin Sparks
Tattoo Lyrics by Jordin Sparks

Oooh... Oooh... Ohhh..
No matter what you say about love,
I keep coming back for more,
My head in the fire,
sooner or later I get what i'm asking for
No matter what you say about life,
I learn every time I bleed.
The truth is a stranger
My soul is in danger,
I gotta let my spirit be free to,
Admit that I was wrong and then change my mind.
Sorry but I have to move on and leave you behind.

I can't waste time so give me the moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Lived every second like it was my last one.
Don't look back got a new direction
Loved you once, needed protection.
You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo,
Just like a tatto, I'll always have you.

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking ties.
When I look in the mirror,
Didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I'm wrong and then change my mind.
Sorry but I gotta be strong and leave you behind

I can't waste time so give me the moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Lived every second like it was my last one.
Don't look back got a new direction
Loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo, I'll always have you.

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you.
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do.

I can't waste time so give me the moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Lived every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
Loved you once, needed protection.
You're still a part of everything I do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo.
Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you.


But knowing that I needed to end things with OM is in the best intrested for my R with H. I feel sad but not as sad as I thought I would. But now I am on the fence about telling or not telling, that seems to be the question of the day for me everyday now.

But H and I are heading out tonight to get our Christmas tree, we still get a real one even thought I don't like the mess of a real tree. I would much rather have a fake one but H has always had a real one growing up, so its a tradition from his side of things. Then we are going to do a bit of Christmas shopping after we get a bit to eat.

Oh yeah and there was a first in a very long time that happened today, H and I met for lunch. Wow two meals together in the same day, I don't know what I am going to do, LOL. His normal work schdule does not allow for us to get together at lunch time but he is working out of the plant today so we were able to meet up. I really hope that it's something that we can do on a more regular basis.

Don't even think about it. He knew what he was getting into. He knew the score.

If he's hurt, it's his own damn fault.

Racer,
You should let him go completely. You will never be "just friends" again. If I found out my H was being friends with the OW I would blow a gasket. No way.

I agree with Mark. The OM knew what he was getting into. suck it up. It really burns me that these OP have the nerve to be angry and hurt when they get involved with married people. That's their problem if they get hurt.