Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis She says it's over - Part 23

JM, I understand your concern. DNQ is looking for that center. He may end up overdoing it a bit at first. There was a lot of hard feelings between the two of them and, while he cannot buy her affections nor should he, he is blessed enough financially to show that he is not hoarding the money (although I feel for him how she blew through 100k) and that she is more important to him than money. The fact is, DNQ going out of his way to help her was worth so much more than any money he gave her. He was there for her when she needed him, test or not on her part.

JM, I am not thinking you are wrong at all. In most cases, the spouses have to learn the hard way that they chose to be out of the M and with that there are consequences. In this respect, only time will tell, the results of his actions. I really do not think it is directly about the money but who knows.

DNQ, I love your last paragraph! I am sorry though you cannot wish her a happy birthday and I am pulling for you that this is temporary.

The way I see this is as follows; no expectations, but at the same time, encouraged. If for nothing else, the kids can benefit from her finding a way to deal directly with me.

Such a healthy perspective DNQ. It has been so hard for me to get to that point and stay there. But I know that it is for the best. Thanks for your recent posts. They have been helping me with my own sitch.

I can't believe it.
I actually AGREE with JM .

I also agree that for now, if it gets you access to your SS, keep throwing the money around while you can.

I still think she's a spoiled brat that needs to work for a livin' but hey, that's just my opinion...

Can't argue with that (spoiled brat comment) Amy. When SHE realizes that she was acting like a spoiled brat will be what hits her right between the eyes.

I don't give her money directly, simply because there still exists a temp. restraining order, so that would technically be a violation. Also, most of the time, I drive by that pharmacy several times per day, so no big deal really. Also, this way, I know what the prescription actually is, and if I gave her money, I don't know for sure where it is really being spent.

And she has been spoiled, but now, she sees that is ending. She spent all of her and our money, has nothing, and the only way she'll make it through is to 1) get a job, 2) gt money from me, plus the job, 3) sugar daddy. The prospect of getting a job must frighten her, and given her health stuff, I doubt she could hold onto one.

So, if it takes her wanting to take a new look at our relationship because she wants an easier life, I can live with that. Really, I can. BUT, that would be the impetus to rekindle things, not the end result. No, no, no. She needs a lot of counseling, and if I can dangle the carrot promising a better life, then if that is what it takes, then that's what it takes.

DNQ: I just wanted to make one comment. I noticed before that you were giving her gift cards. I knew it was so she actually spent them on the right things - like groceries or medications she is dependent on. Giving her cash would mean she could do the opposite - spend on drugs, alcohol, clothing or frivolous items. As long as you are sure that your children's needs are being met, your wife will have to understand that she made choices that caused her to be where she is. Now she has to learn to live with it. I would suspect until she stops pointing the finger at you, she will not figure this out. But for now - you have the power.

I'm sure the courts will award Spousal and Child Support but will you be able to prove how she blew the 100K? If so - they should take that into account and award her less since she was essentially "paid up front".

Have you considered going for full custody with her getting visitation? It is not a bad idea when a mom is in full blown MLC. I know some guys who have done it and done a much better job than the mom would have. Something to consider. I'm suspecting you'd have a better shot at it in family court than she would.

Barb

Dad, One of the things I've thought as I've read through your thread was that your wife may be Bipolar. You really have to find that out before I think any progress can be made. Its scary how alot of the symptons of Bipolar and MLC go hand in hand. I think the main difference is MLC the Walkaway seems to hate their spouse. With Bipolar the Walkaway hates their spouse but they hate themself as well.

I have a Bipolar wife who walked out in Sept 06. She had the affair, got herself 30K in debt, wanted to pull our daughter out of a 5 star school because it wasnt convienient to her new apartment and really just screwed up a pretty damn good life she had for herself. She hit rock bottom when her boyfriend dumped her because she was pregnant, our daughter hated her apartment because it was infested with fleas and bill collectors were calling her everyday threatening legal action.

If your wife is like mine she was so unhappy with things that she knew being without you would make things better...and for a short period of time it did. But now she realizes it wasnt you she was unhappy with, it was herself. The affair and lavish spending were just a bandaid to cover up her real pain. She is unhappier than ever but now has financial problems,has cheated on her husband and broken up her family too. Get her to see a shrink even if you have to without any more handouts to get her to agree with it.

Yep, that's what the counselor told me as well (based on what I have described, but not as a diagnosis....yet) Also, she believes her to be afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and that makes a lot of sense as well.


My wife does in fact have a very low self esteem and negative body image.

WOW......!!! That is brutal, to say the least. Sorry for what you and your daughter have gone through.

I'm not so sure that my wife realizes yet that her unhappiness is really all about her, not about me. There are signs that this may be changing, but there is no real way to tell.

Yeah, her bandaid is now peeling off to expose the wound underneath. I had a very brief chat with her at the kids school today, regarding the kids, and I have to say that she is not looking real good. She is way too thin, and her face and complexion look about fifteen years older than the stupid picture she has on her even stupider myspace page. This is all wearing on her pretty badly, no doubt. She supposedly had her first session today with the psychologist, and I can only pray that there are many, many more to come.

Thanks for the input...

DNQ,

All this sounds better than the alternative. Remember what goes up must also come back down.

What about Linda these days?

cire