Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Long and Bumpy Road 2be continued...

I thought I was in Piecing and that is where my last 2 threads are.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1260966&page=1#Post1260966

Well, that turned out to be a huge bust so I am going to post over here because I need ALOT of help and support.

I have been trying to go dark and never contact him....he does all the contacting, but nothing really changes. This is the same game we have been playing since he left in July 06 just now we have a baby coming. Thought we were in R for awhile, but come to find out he is a serial cake eater and doesnt want to change.

I would appreciate all the help and support I can get. Thanks.

think dh wanted some contact last night. I maintained but it was hard.

He sent a text early in the evening:
Him-I am home. Let me know if you need me or anything.
Me-Ok, thanks
Him: I wish every day that things were different.

Later last night:

Him: Please, if you need me I am here. Please let me know. I can be there anytime. I will be home.
Me: Thank you. I am going to bed as I am very tired.
Him: Ok, have a good night.
Him: I love you and baby.
Me: Love you too.

I don't know why I responded. I know I probably shouldn't have. I could tell he was fishing to come over and went out of his way to keep telling me he would be home. Maybe because he was such a flaky ass last weekend. I did want him to come over, but shut that down by saying I was tired. Was saying ILY a backslide? I was trying to tell him I do love him, but won't put up with the behavior.

Uggh....I hope I didn't do much damage.
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bump....please

You know - in light of the fact that your other 3 kids are not his, and your D16 is acting out - I think you need to put a stop to this. Your kids deserve better than to be sucked through this drama with a man who is not their dad ( unless he raised them from a very young age and they thought of him as dad, but that's not your sitch, is it?). Think about what you are modeling for your D. Do you want her to think this kind of behavior is okay for HER to put up with from HER future boyfriends?

You need to put your attention on your kids right now. Every moment you spend wondering about H and OW is a moment you're not focusing on what's happening with your kids. Your D is possibly resentful that she's being pushed aside for a new baby, or that she has to carry more of the load at home, or that you're so consumed my H you're not focusing on her, or that you "pushed away" stepdad, or that you having a baby with H means she'll never ever have that fairy tale of her parents reuinting - who knows. But your exH seems to recognize that this sitch is not good for the kids - I'd trust him on this.

Let go of H. Spell out for him, just once, in writing, what it would take for him to come back into your life: 6 months of AA, no contact with OW, consistent appropriate behavior, etc. Don't set the bar too low. He may or may not be able to rise to the occasion, but trust me, you DON'T want him back unless he does the things a SINCERE person would do to win you back. Don't settle for less.

Ellie

I often wondered if my d16's acting out is because of me and the sich. Her and I have always butted heads but for some reason when I became pregnant her and I got along great! I think she thought that dh and I would reconcile and things would be good. For almost 2 weeks now since I haven't had dh around d16 and I have not been getting along well. Maybe its because my life is not working out once again and she is frustrated/angry.

I think you are right about laying it out for dh. I don't want him if he has OW. I don't want him if he still drinks. I know he is trying to come back in slowly without having to do anything. I was just wondering if I was going overboard as it goes against some db principles to give ulitmatums. It seems if you were dbing (which I did most of our separation) I would be the woman he wanted to come home to. I did that and all he did was cake eat.

Thank you so much for responding....I look to this site so much.

Its been a rough few days mentally. Maybe its because I am pregnant on top of it all, but its been tough.

Heard from dh once yesterday. A text asking how I was doing and how his daughter was. It baffles me. He seems perfectly content on just being a dad from a distance. How can you tell someone you love them, but not make one change to move closer or fix things? Is it just lip service? Am I just supposed to call when I go into labor and he stand up and be there? I am thinking now that if things are still this way I don't want him in the delivery room. I should feel safe with the person that is there. He isn't my safe place anymore.

I realized I have not seen him in 2 weeks and have not personally spoken to him at all for that long as well. All communication is done thru texts. Very odd to me.

I was just watching Baby Story on tv. I cried because the dh's in that show are so supportive and loving. My labor and delivery won't be like that.

I miss him. I am scared to do this all alone.

I really dont know what to do. I think that H is really settling into this is the way life should be. He sends a text or two through the day asking how baby and I are and have a good day. Nothing more. Doesn't ask to see me, doesn't say he wants to change anything. I feel like he is just going thru the motions and keeping his foot in the door just so he can have access to his daughter when he wants.

But that is not what I truly want. I want a husband and a father for my daughter. I want him to step up. If he can't then he needs to go away and we will work out a visititation schedule for her when she is born.

Depending on who you ask in my life I get different answers....my sister (and most friends) say I ought to tell him to F off and not speak to him until after baby is born in March and let him know the hours he can see her and how much he will need to pay in cs. She feels that he has screwed me over too many times and this is who the guy is and will never change. Another friend says to be civil with him as we are having a child and hope that he changes. That is fine, but I have let him walk in and out of my life for a year and a half now with no commitment and alot of lies and hurt.

So do I go along letting him cake eat and hope for a change or tell him go away until you can make a commitment?

I am officially moving my thread over here from piecing as I am no longer doing that but need constant support...thanks all. I will post my last few threads here.

OMG...I need to keep the NC.

He text'd earlier to say he was dropping off xmas gifts for me and kids. He got here and was slightly tipsy. Not bad, but I can tell he had been drinking. This was the first time I have actually seen him in almost 3 weeks.

We did the exchange and he went into the babys room. He looked rather sad. He started rubbing my stomach and saying how much he loved his daughter, blah blah blah. I just stood there. He then said he should be here. I said yes I agree.

Then it went into a conversation of me telling him he is emotionally gone, living a separate life and when I had to go to the hospital all alone that night something in me snapped. I need a stable life for me and my kids and he cannot provide that. He got angry and took off.

He then sent a text saying we don't see eye to eye but when baby is born things are going to be perfect but its not possible now. He was talking like he made the rules!

I was irritated and this is what I sent:
'We do see things different. I need a stable home and life for me and my kids. You want different. We are just fine and I have family and friends that have stepped in to see me through the rest of this pregnancy and birth. The one who will suffer is baby, but I am going to do my best to keep that from happening.'

He immediately called me and started literally screaming at me that I cannot keep him away from his daughter, that he is sick and tired of me [censored] talking him to my friends (I haven't, they just know the truth) and that when she is born he plans on being here as much as he can. He was more intoxicated than when I talked to him earlier. He was going off on me. I finally just hung up and he called over and over...then sent "dont you hang up on me. I will support my girl."

Nothing more.

OMG, I am looking at a lifetime of hell. He sure didn't like me telling him I don't want him around for the rest of the pregnancy and birth.

Need support here....I am weakening.
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Last night was tough, sort of. It was tough in I went into sort of a different frame of mind. More of ok, how am I going to coparent with this loser? He really is losing it. He is so out of control and yesterdays complete breakdown showed it.

I honestly think that he is suffering from more issues than MLC. He is not really committing to much in his life. He doesn't profess love for any one woman, but yet need some sort of ego stroke from one....and it seems any will do. He drinks on the weekend, gets his fix of whatever stroking he needs and goes back to his miserable life during the week. He is a self proclaimed unhappy man. Has been on every single AD there is and could never be happy. I now know its not me, its him.

I have a prepared text waiting to send to him when he does make contact in a day or two.

-Don't you ever lose control or speak to me the way you did on Saturday ever again. You are not the kind of man I need and I am done fighting it. I will contact you after she is born to work out times for you to see her. Until then, no contact or I will get a restraining order in place. I am in a good place in my own life and don't need your drama.

How does that sound? I can't see him. We didn't see eachother for almost 3 weeks and when we did all of his anger came out. Its better this way. He is going down fast and I don't want to be along for the ride.
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