Ok guys. I know a lot of us must be dealing with the same headache of figuring out who is going to have the kids when and how to handle a separated family at Christmas. After getting burned at Thanksgiving (didn't get to see my kids because it was "her week") I was determined that would not happen again. So today I let her know they will be staying with me Christmas because it will be my week. Apparently this was somewhat of a shock as she then asked if I hate her. I had to put on my mlc translator unit to appreciate that comment. Everything in mlc land is about them, right? Or could that have been guilt speaking? Told her no, I don't hate her in any way, stopped short of saying I'm still in love with you. (proof old dogs can learn) I'm now bracing for the onslaught of mlc fury I fear is coming as I have learned that is the price paid for not giving the mlcer exactly what they want when they want it. Taking a tough stand will be a separation 180 for me. Any of you guys have similar problems with the holidays? Her assumption was that she'd have the kids for Christmas even though she had then for Thanksgiving and I would take them New Years Eve (duh, so she could party with boyfriend?) We have no formal custody or visitation agreement, just a pattern of swapping off every other week. Do you think the "hate" comment was guilt or mlc self centered filtering?
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
The whole holiday thing is really difficult and sad, especially with kids.
I don't know you, your wife or your sitch...but I'd still bet a million bucks that her comment was pure MLC. She forgets that you exist, and she probably has lost her capacity for empathy...so there is no way she would have anticipated: "oh yeah, I had the kids at Thanksgiving so I'm sure sleeper will want them at Christmas" In my own experience and two years of reading these boards, that is totally beyond the capabilities of MLCers. JMO, of course.
That doesn't rule out guilt.
Good luck,I'm sorry you are having to face holidays like this. You will get stronger, and your kids are lucky to have one emotionally functional parent in their lives right now.
Thanks AH, If there is a silver lining to mlc for the LBS I believe it's that you really focus on your children sooner or later. That moment for me was when WAW got mlc mad at me just before our son's birthday and told me she didn't want to see me and would not be coming to my son's birthday party so she wouldn't have to. I was severely depressed for about half a day and moped around the apt. until I realized my son and his birthday was what was really important. Planned the party by myself, she found out and showed up anyway. Those of us with children in this sitch are truly blessed because of the source of inner strength they can help us tap.
Wierdness: 1.She has noticed I have become a "phenomenal parent" (she isn't and knows it). 2.She tells people she still "loves" me. 3.She is concerned I haven't had sex in a year (because I'm standing for our marriage, doh!). 4.She gave me a girlfriend's phone number to set me up to take care of #3(I didn't call, she followed up to see if I did).
Last edited by sleeper; 12/15/0703:29 PM.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
I've been following these boards for about a year. just started posting, a combination of a one year mlc aniversary and I just now feel like I know enough to open my mouth on the subject. I've read about, heard, seen and experienced some wierd things, but her setting me up to get laid TOTALLY caught me off guard. Didn't know quite what to say or do. Took a couple of hours to figure out a response,(I think I was in shock) but I think I found the right one. I told her, " I already have a woman's phone number, she is one of the most incredible people I have ever met, no she is THE most incredible person I have ever met and she also happens to be the mother of my children." She frowned slightly and walked away from me. end of conversation.
Last edited by sleeper; 12/15/0704:00 PM.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
You know sleeper, early in my situation before we separated, my stbx once told me.. "I deserve to be with somebody that could love me for me".
I didn't know what she meant by that at the time, but it's classic MLC talk for a wife who's ready to walk and who most likely has OM waiting in the wings.
Yours just seems to show a more poignant variation of that same theme. She may really want you to get laid in order to suppress her own guilt. I now understand why my stbx said what she said, but I didn't realize the meaning behind it at the time because I didn't know about the OM until later on.
Even after all this time on these boards, I'm still amazed at the similarities of everyone's situation. It's really text book stuff and can be an exact science in some respects.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Ok ladies and gentlemen. I really didn't intend for this thread to focus on my sitch. How are you all (ie y'all) dealing with broken families for the holidays? Are the kids totally with you, totally with them, doing the timeshare thing, keeping family traditions as they were, or is this not an issue for most?Do we hang mistletoe or the gigelo? Say Merry Christmas or Merry Mistress? As for the question of giftgiving, to buy or not to buy is only one of the questions. This year when Santa says ho ho ho I understand what he is referring to.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Just read your post and had to comment for what it's worth. I'm 6 years into this and my H was one of the nuttiest, nastiest men MLC guys around.
But this I learned - good deeds work better for you in the long run. Despite the fact she witheld the kids from you at Thanksgiving, I honestly feel you should go the extra mile for Christmas, be the bigger person and let the kids spend some time with her - even if it is a short amount of time. It REALLY is in the kids' best interest to do so.
Visitation isn't about "getting even" or "sticking totally to the agreement" - its about being flexible. Maybe, just maybe she will lose some of her iciness if you make a kind gesture.
I honestly feel you should consider this or I wouldn't have bothered to post.
