Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? is he too young for MLC?

My thoughts were if we could fix the sex problem then we would be more willing to fix the other stuff. We need to heal and not re-hash everything. I can't convince him of this. i know he needs to see it for himself. So how do I need to re-act or act for myself when he says no sex? I validate his feelings on this but tell him I disagree? Do I tell him why?

I know in my heart that he doesn't like being rejected from me and I was doing that quite a bit when it came to sex. So him saying he wants to go with out for a month seems like he is asking for more rejection. I don't want him to be reminded of that hurt I want him to heal from it.

Trying to figure out what the best thing for me to do is. He's really icy today and I think that might have to do with yesterday's events. That I wasn't strong enough to push him away so I failed his test. I can't be perfect and it's hard to resist him.

Sorry this is all over the place but that's how it's playing in my head.

Errr... I think you are being overly... onesided on that.
What you should say, is that YOU dont want to re-hash everything.
he may disagree. and he is not neccessarily wrong. he is saying what he feels that he needs.




sounds sensible to me. The "why" part too..., but you should be sure to think through the wording extra-carefully before talking about it.

Well today I think he is just trying to push me away. i have talked to him a few times because he has called, and he's been quite cold. I think this is his way of doing the whole no sex thing. Anyways, I asked him to watch D4 tomorrow so I could go to my C and I got the run around. Still don't know if he is or not. I don't want to push him but he is not working and at some point he needs to take responsibility for the kids too. I did try other people first so I didn't have to ask him but they couldn't. He was kinda my last resort. This could just be his mood this week or today and it could all change again ny tomorrow.

I know he is stressing about X-mas but he made it clear that he was doing whatever I was doing on X-mas. He wanted to know what my plans were and when I said I hadn't committed to anything because I didn't want to step on his toes by being with his family if he really didn't want me there. He said that he did want me there but also said that if I wasn't there he wasn't going either. But again this could all change in an instance.

Why the heck does this have to be so confusing?

I thought I would write down what I was thinking of saying if the no sex thing came up again.

H- I want to go without sex for a month to make sure this isn't just about sex.
Me- Well I will respect your feelings on this but I do disagree with it.
H- Why do you disagree?
Me- Because you have told me how rejected you have felt when I wasn't interested in sex with you and I would like to work on healing that rejection. If we have no contact I'm afraid you will feel like I am rejecting you again.

Now I say that because i know when he does come around he will try. He will expect me to turn him down and go with this. It's the turning him down that i am scared of. I think he will feel like he was before and I am trying to make sure he doesn't.

I know that there is things wrong with this convo but my head is to muddled to see it. Help!!!!

Reading parts of the DR and other threads here trying to work things out in my head.One thing that keeps poppong up is to do what works. So I started thinking about that and came up with the emails. When he was at his low or angry we would email instead of talk. And in no time he was feeling better and wanting to see me again. So i sent him an email. I seem to be better at the DBing in an email than I do in person. maybe it's because I can stop and re-read and take a break before I send it. I haven't had any response to it yet but that doesn't mean anything. He isn't on his computer as much as I am.

So I guess we'll see if this works or not. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Today's events were very interesting. He decided at 10pm last night that he wanted to take me to my C appointment. I told him only if he wanted to. So he did and showed up two and a half hours early. I kept things light but I am so guarded on what I say to him I'm finding conversation really hard. So kept asking me what's wrong. Finally I tell him nothing is wrong I am just having a hard time talking to him when everything we talk about ends up in a R talk. I told him I'm trying not to do that. I don't want to put pressure on him. (Like X-mas and simple stuff to me but not him. i didn't say this last part)
Then my cell phone rang. When I hung up he starts drilling me about who was on the phone. I told him it was none of his business. I don't pry so he shouldn't either. This made him mad. So the next 30 mins are silent. When I did talk to him again I was very calm and didn't cry or anything. next thing I know he's accusing me of yelling and swearing at him. I wasn't. Honestly I wasn't.

I then had my C appointment. Which was very good today. She thinks I am doing things alright and am feeling better lately. (She is the one who recommended the DR) SO he picks me up from the C and we start driving home. He is acting like nothing happened earlier. I just went with it. He starts talking about getting me a better vehicle and going to the bank to get a loan for this SUV he saw today while I was at the C.

We get to my home and he comes in. He starts trying to get me in bed. I very politely told him that it was going what he said he wanted and I was not going to sleep with him today. So off he went. Not mad just left.

Oh and today he was trying to hint at having his brother and girlfriend stay with me over the holidays. I talked to my C about this and decided that my home was my safe place and if I didn't feel comfortable about this i shouldn't let them. The brother and I used to to talk all the time but since this has happened he hasn't called me once. So it's a no for me.

Sorry so long today. Just trying to figure this all out.

Well I woke up to him texting this morning. He was in a playful mood and was being silly. So we chatted for about 2 hours and then I didn't hear from him until about 3 pm. We had a good conversation. Most of the stuff he was saying refered to we and us. Especially about X-mas and future stuff.

But what bugs me is he never calls at night. Only during the day. I'm feeling like he's only talking to me cuz he's bored. Then when his friends are off work he doesn't give me a second thought. I know I can't do anything about this but it is buging me. I let him set the pace and I don't call him so I don't seem needy but come on this is driving me nuts.

It seems to me that this is one of the last places people want to give advise on. Most people here seem to really need the next step advice and what to do with this advice and nobody is here. What's up with that?

I think most of us are hanging in here but come on help out a little. Reassurance can go a long way. I know that I try to vent here instead of venting on H. Some nights are horrible and I really do take what other people say and try to apply it where I can. But this place seems to be really dead. Are we all doomed to the big D because we are here?

no way. there have been success stories for people in the "we're separated" category. Unfortunately, it is rare, and a LOT more work, than people in the other categories.. with the sole exception of the "divorced but not done" category

To cheer you up(?) I'm going to offer you a piece of advice, then:

you said to your husband,
" I told him it was none of his business. I don't pry so he shouldn't either. "

that makes it "fair".. but also confirms the "we're going to stay separate" mentality.

If you think that is not the way you would prefer.... maybe it would be better to approach it from the other side. eg:

"if you think I shouldnt know who you are talking to, then you shouldnt be bugging me about who i'm talking to".

Similar, yet slightly different, hmm? This way still points out "what you are doing is fair", but it also leaves an opening for him to change the status quo, if he chooses to.


Eh.. it's kinda a toss-up. Depending on how your H reacts to things, your original wording might actually be "better", for longer-term goals that you may have.
As usual, "it depends".



heh... go find something else for you to do at nights. then it probably wont bother you as much.

That way, you also wont be building up resentment. If you let that build up, it may eventually leak out during your daytime conversations with him.

PS: As far as less advice for here: I think it's probably a lot less "fun" giving advice here. You have to think about the long term more carefully, and be more cautious, and be 10x more patient about seeing any kind of results for it.

In some of the other forum areas, it's more like following a daily soap-opera,
So, people tend to flock to the other areas more. For vicarious "entertainment value", in some kind of twisted way

I guess it's kinda like comparing "spectators" for the 400m dash, or even a mile run.. vs watching a marathon?

i try to do other stuff but I am the one home with the kids at night. I have to be home for them. I guess that's why it bugs me. But he did text me a couple of times while he was out in the evenings this week. No I never said anything to him about this. He just did it. When he comes over it is usually him who brings up the R talk. Somedays I am strong and then there are times like last night when it went horrible.

We were talking about X-mas and how I won't committ to anything and he really wants me to be at his parents with him. Well I am sick and not in the best frame of mind so the convo didn't go well. There was no fighting or yelling I was just way to emotional.

One minute he talks about us learning how to co-parent while living apart and then he talks about us being a family again. And this is all in a matter of a few minutes. I know there is finacial strain on him right now so I don't push the topic. Anyways he ended up leaving last night but texted me at about 11:30. He said he was out but he texted me until about 3:30.

It's so hard to know which direction to go in when he sends so many mixed messages. Right now it doesn't help that I am sick and it is Christmas. My emotions are all over the place right now.