Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE H said our M is "platonic"

Lol.
MJ, you're a trip.
But nope, I'll pass thank you.

The nice LD man is the kiss of death. I'm such an idiot! I knew he has like this but I got suckered in anyway. Which animal would that be? lol

I'm sticking with "nice but not too nice" from now on and will only date men who have a higher sex drive than me.
You can see I'm already in fantasy land and invisioning a life where I can actually express my sexuality and passion without feeling like a dirty little girl. Sadly, that's how I feel with H. Enough already.

LFL

I understand. So what are your thoughts/plans if you have any yet? Amicable D?

I'm still in fantasyland but reality is nipping at my heels regarding kids and money. I'm screwed. I cannot afford this house and the thought of the kids makes me ache in pain. So I just don't know what to do.
I don't know if I could go through with the D if I knew H and I would be at odds. I couldn't do that to the kids. But if I am honest, I cannot do this to myself either.
If I am brutally honest, my choices are stay in the M and have A's to avoid completely dying inside, or getting out of this M and forcing everyone to adjust but hopefully all coming out happier in the end.
I don't want to do option 1. Too icky and it doesn't meet my goal which is to find a R/M that combines both love and sex. I just couldn't do that to H either. I love him as a person and don't want to be a jerk.
So yes, amicable D would be the right direction.

LFL

I always want to scream "don't do it don't do it" to someone with young kids that wants to divorce because it's so fatiguing.

(Yeah, color me the only DBer on the planet who's against Ds unless absolutely necessary because I find them too exhausting for everyone.)

Prepare for three years of upheaval at the minimum before everything settles into a semblance of normalcy.

That said, I couldn't stomach a life without sex and intimacy myself. I'm really sorry, and totally understand where you're coming from.

LOL- I was thinking just the other day that I've been a bit like Goldilocks lately. I guess you can join me on the hunt for the perfect bowl of man-porridge.

you dont want solutions? odd place for you to be, then




you didnt really answer my question, though.

My question wasnt "what do you want out of your marriage". I asked, "what do you mean by 'sex' ?"
Because it means different things, to different people.

If you want to come up with a solution for what is missing in that department.. first, it's important to identify what specifically, you are lacking.

I pointed out that there are (at least) 5 different things that "i need sex" could actually mean to you. If there's only one of them that you Really Need, but you dont identify it to yourself.. then you could waste a lot of time and energy pursing the 4 "wrong" ones.



There's a book on negotiations/meetings, that advises to "avoid the sucker's choice" when looking at a problem. That is to say, avoid restricting yourself in to "You have to pick either A or B [and both of them are bad]".

Those arent your only possible choices. They're the only ones you see right now. But you do have other options.

If you'd like to hear about some alternatives.. you might start by answering my "what do you mean by [I need] sex?" question.

LFL:

How old are your kids?

In my mind, so what if you are the one to end it, on paper. He is the one who actually ended it when he said to you... "you have to be the one to end this. I am fine and dandy with how things are, and I'm not changing. Sorry. Can't help ya. Must suck to be you."

To me, by your H saying to you what he did, that is the cruelest thing another could possibly do to someone they 'claim' to love.

Say to your H... "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you." That morally/spiritually separates you from him. And then tell him... "I am now acting as a divorced woman. That includes dating. When we can figure out the financial stuff, and when the kids are a bit older, and the housing market recover, we can make it legal like."

Move out of the bedroom. Live your life.

Fck him.

Sorry. I know this is a board to save marriages... but honey... if you are the only one trying... screw it. Let him try awhile. And he won't. Sorry. Know the type.

Boy... I'm cheery, huh? I'm sorry, girl, I just think you need to take control of your life... milk it, like he is. Why not?

My $.02.

8 and 6

Actually if I am honest with myself, he ended it when he left without a word in 2004. We were doomed after that point.
I thought we were going to be different. Fight the odds and make a M work after a S, but it is really quite rare.
I think once the S and D words even start to get thrown around, your M is never the same. Hard to recover.

That is actually very tempting. We could easily live together I think. But maybe I am deluding myself. Last night he also said that seeing other people was a "dealbreaker." So I doubt he'd take kindly to basically an open M. But is that what it is? No, because I wouldn't be having sex with him. So we'd basically be roommates. The kids would benefit.
Hmmm

That's exactly what I need to do. Take control of my life. Just need to figure out the fine details.

LFL

Corri, where do you see that he said that he is "fine and dandy with how things are"?


What I see LFL as having written about him saying, is:



that is not at all the same thing. In fact, it's pretty much just the opposite. That says, quite literally, is that he would PREFER things be different in the sex department, rather than him being perfectly happy as things are.

(((((LFL))))

I'm picking up a lot of hidden rage in your H's p/a statement-- if he accepts everything as it is, why is he so pi$$ed off?