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Dear all,

I busted a major DB rule, and I need you thoughts to determin where I'm up to and how to proceed next.

Reading back through my last few threads I think I had reached a point where I was about to give up, throw the towel in, just quit.
I even wrote a "DB suicide note" saying goodbye to you all (but I didn't post it).

Anyway I called W on her cell phone and asked her if she would be in a position to discuss the R tonight. Her response was why now. I told her that living in limbo like we were was no good for either of us, we both believe the M is over so we need to start thinking about a D. W asked me if that was my wish, I said no, but the two of us were going nowhere so we should end it now. However, if there was a small glimmer of hope I would work on things but I couldn't see that so we should spare each other the pain we were both in and end it now. I asked her what she wanted and in classic WAW style she said she didn't know.

W then said that she had expected this kind of talk from me when I first moved back in 2 months ago. But since I've been home she has seen me just going about my business as if I didn't care. And when I moved back I went straight into the spare room. I asked her would I have been welcomed back into our bed right away, she didn't reply. So I told her that I moved into the spare room to give her space, she replied that this was probably the right thing to do.

Actually, we had laugh about the bed in the spare room and how my weight had gone through the mattress and I was actually resting on the hard board below, the bed is most suitable to small children and W laughed at my description of my discomfort.
W told me she wanted the room back as her dressing room. I told her she could have the room back, but she would need to make a decision if she wanted me back in our bed as there was no where else for me to sleep. I told her I would leave that with her.

So again she asked why the R talk now, I told her I believed she was involved with OM maybe in love with him, and if this was the case I was ready to call it quits. W then said she wasn't involved with OM and certainly not in love with anyone. Well I said my instincts tells me there is an OM and if W wanted him and wanted to flaunt it in front of me, then I wanted out.

W then turned things round on me and asked where did I go the previous evening when I came in late. I said I would only tell her if she told me where she was on the previous Friday. Ok she agreed. I told her I went to see my sister and my grown up niece. My family can see that I am hurting and they really want to help and support me. As my car was off the road I travelled by bus which meant I got in late. Ok over to you.

W then said take this how you want, but I was with [name] OM in a hotel, it was a disaster, it's over with him, at this point she started to cry and said she was in hotel with OM and said to herself what I doing here, I should be at home with my family. Then she said although she had previously made contact with OM there was nothing going on between them until I accused her of an A. Then she said to herself why not. (not sure if this is an accurate account but I have to accept it at face value). OK at this point I said, we should stop the R talk. We can get back to normal interms of light conversation when we are together at home. W should enjoy a family xmas, then we can resume R talk in the New Year and we then decide if we work on the M or if we decide to split. W agreed with this.

So here we are, I think my DB was working, but it was draining me, maybe it also added to W confusion in thinking that I didn't want the M ? Another thought I had was we always say don't talk about the R until the WAW brings it up, maybe sometimes they don't know how to do this.

I'm not sure where this R talk has put me, I'm not sure where where to pick up with DB, don't know how to intrpret this breakthrough.


Help!!

Dude, you've got huge stones, but it might've worked.



That is an awesome statement from your W.

And, yes, a 180 can be being a little more visible or open to your W. Do what works, right?

Anyway, backing off from the R talk and being light around each other sounds like a good way to approach things. Too much R talk will leave both of you exhausted.

Hang in there. Looks like you've got a crack, bust that puppy open in 2008.

BD

Update.

W calls me on her cell phone and tells me in no uncertain terms should I call certain people [OM] otherwise that would really kill things between us and that even living in the same house would not be possible. I explained to W that OM was not my problem he was just a symptom of our bad marriage. A's are caused by bad marriages, they are not the cause.

W then said she was the cause of the bad marriage, she was the one who went outside to OM, he was outlet for her, she pursued it, it had, run it's course, but it was over. She said she didn't regret it, but wanted to forget it. She underlined the fact she didn't want me to contact him. I told her right now our M was my concern but at some stage in the future she would have to address the A not try to sweep it under the carpet.

W then said right now she didn't know what was going on in her head, all she wanted to do was to have a good xmas, decorate the house in the new year then see where we were up to in our M. I said fine by me.

Right now I want to make sure I make sure I make the right moves forwards.

Experienced DB'ers needed!!!

Lan,

Looks like a breakthrough and a respite from DBing. But you can't take anything for granted given she's still probably very unstable. So you need to tread lightly.

Given what you have already told her about holiday plans, etc. can you somehow use these days/plans to your advantage? Would it be worth a phone consultation ($$$) with Michelle or some other way to refocus?

Have you considered how to deal with guilt, forgiveness, etc. You may want to look into Retrouvaille, Marriage builders or intensive counseling but be sure she's ready for it.

I hope things take a definite turn for the better!

Heim,

I was ready to quit, I didn't do it for effect I really was ready to go, part of me still is.

However now I'm fighting the opposite emotion where I want to get near her smother her share a bed with her. But I know this is not the time.

I pray that this is the breakthrough that I needed, but I can still see W lost in that wilderness, OM is a bigger factor than I thought. All I can do is leave her to find her own way out hopefully leaving him behind.

If I'm honest the OM scares me. Not physically but interms of the length he's been around, is their bond too strong to break ?

I need to get back to my DB best, forget outside influence and work to gain a better me.

Hi Betterman,

I broke another DB rule today but I feel it helps me. Obviously my best defense againts OM is to forget him. (tough at the moment because of what I've just learnt). Next line of defense is your advise.



I'm a bit up and down on a rollercoster, trying to level off at the moment.

Hi Lanzy,

Sorry you have had such tumultuous days. Betterman gives extremely good advice on how to 'handle' the OM. I practiced some of those very things with Hs OW sitch and eventually SHE started to nag and nag at him about moving on from me, and that sent him packing. HA.

It doesn't matter what you learn about OM. Hard to hear, but it doesn't. She is testing the waters on both sides to see who will come out fighting. Be the calm, cool, sexy, attractive one that she will feel better around and want to come back to. Let her live this fantasy journey and try to act as if it doesn't affect you, at all. Easier to type that, I know, but practice what Betterman says.

Oh, and of course the OM will get suspicious of her if he has to fill in the gaps. She left you for him, so why wouldn't he be suspicious of that? You have that to your advantage, so use it. So I agree, about asking her out to lunch or coffee once a week and start making OM wonder, so that he will push her more.

Just some thoughts I had...

Hi Pudsey,

W says its over with OM , but I don't think it is. If it is, I just feel that I'm one backslide from her running back to him.
So I'm really finding things tough at the moment.






These thoughts are invaluable to me at the moment. I really do need them daily to keep me going. So if you don't mind please be my buddy. Anyone else for that matter.

On a more positive note, Last evening W and I watched TV and chatted in a very friendly manner, we actually stayed in the same room all evening, almost like old times.

This weekend I am going away for a "guys only" weekend part of my GAL. When I told W she seem genuinely excited for me (very strange). Also she was surprised and interested about who I was going with because they were not my normal circle of friends.

I really need to let my hair down this weekend.

Spoke to W friend again, I stopped that a month ago but anyway



Friend has said W has noticed my new behaviour and is watching with interest, but has interpreted the above as me not caring about the M. A month ago W was gone, over the hill, out of the M, but my new found behaviour has made her stop and think. W is still thinking, but in it she sees me as not caring. So my DB is working to a point but is not drawing her closer. (or maybe it is and I'm too impatient).

So how do I modify my "As if" behaviour to an "I care" without going the whole nine yards to an "ILY" and start a percieved pursuit.

Think I kinda got hints from Betterman, but anymore ideas?