Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives CVA - Have I Done Everything...No!

So true...

I'm wondering if I can help myself! Man this room could use some track lighting!

CVA, as I was reading through your thread, I came across Nomo's long post to you, Man, so many truths in that one post. There were so many things that we all needed to hear, and who better to tell you about it, then someone, who has been/and is right there with you, along this crazy journey. The way you broke it down, Nomo, even, I, in my sometimes crazy stupor, was completely able to understand it and made me start to look at myself, and my sitch, quite differently. I commend, and Thank you for that read. Take Care.

Yeah, he's like a skilled surgeon with Rs instead of skin!

C

Hey Nomo
How would you suggest "I show her Love" under the current circumstances? Basically why I did not address it, I don't know how. Of course, my idea of showing love is providing for, sacrificing for my family plus of course being sweet to my W which I did for sure but the anger stuff pretty much wiped that out. Too late? I don't know, just know what else to do other than the "real" listening, empathizing that I did not do before

C

Well, first but not getting angry with her, and by listening/validating (as you suggest). But as far as overt expressions of love, you can't right now, under the current circumastances. At some point, you could start trying very small, subtle things.

Until then, just try to figure out why she didn't feel loved. Learn what went wrong so you will do better in the next opportuntiy (with W, CW or someone else).


I know.


Have you read the Five Love Langauges? I suggest it. The idea is there are five basic love langauges, and each of us responds to one as our primary love langauge. They are Physical Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Words of Affection, I think. On these boards people speak of 5LL, PT, RG, AOS, WOA and QT. Anyway, the real key is to use your partners PLL (instead of your own) to make them feel loved. So for you, you followed your "idea of showing love . . ., sacrificing for my family plus of course being sweet to my W which I did for sure," but that might not have made her feel love. You have to find out what her PLL is and use it. Finding that out will be tough in your circumstances, cause she waon't likely want to discuss it (and would advise trying anytime soon), and I found it hard to be sure about my W's. But the book is a great read. Christian author too, so you'll like that.

As the father therapist said in The Last Kiss - "It doesn't matter what you say to the ones you love, it only matters how you make them feel. That's all that matters." Or something like that, but it was a VERY POWERFUL LINE. As was this one: "You can't fail if you don't give up." Check that movie out. It's sad, but relevant.

Have a great day CVA!!! No, make it a GREAT DAY!!

Nomo

Thanks Nomo, will do.
I have read 5LL and I think her LL are quality time and gifts. OK, so quality time, tough to do. Gifts, looks like I'm trying to buy her off and once she started buying everything she wanted anyway, that is where I really started struggling with her and thus our problems escalated. I had no way of showing her I loved her in her language cuz she would never aknowledge the effort, she would usually just return whatever I bought (even though I do have good taste!) and it would tick me off so....I find myself completely stumped on this right now.

One idea I came up w/ with Sunny, or maybe she did I dont know, was that I could get her something that would be relevent to her family when she goes to Dallas right after Xmas. A paid for dinner for all of them one night while she is there? I dont know, just an idea. Another complaint of course is that I dont care about her family, so, killing two birds with one stone?

The other night my oldest son was apparently saying mean things about his grandpa (papaw), that "all he likes to do is fish, that is all he wants him to do when he goes there, and he hates fishing" (which he doesnt, he was just in a mood apparently about going there without me). So I come out from taking a shower and BAM, W says "S10 is saying mean things blah blah blah" , I said, "why is he saying that?" , W. "where do you think he gets that from" as she looks at me???????? Well Efff, I compose myself and say "well, he does like to fish so that's not completley untrue and I never say anything bad about your dad fishing so...", She says, "well, he should be grateful for having a papaw at all let alone one that wants to do stuff with him". I agree with that and say I will go talk to him,which I do and everything is fine afterward. Proud of myself for remaining calm in this one as she was definitely attacking which is kinda new.

C

Something that popped out to me regarding this statement, C, is that you're limiting your ideas of gifts to things that have a monetary value -- not a sentimental value. Think of giving her something that shows that you went to a lot of thought and effort -- something that is symbolic of your love for her, represents something special about her, between the two of you, etc. For example, my W once made me a shirt that has both kids' hand prints on it (their hands were dipped in some colored liquid that permanently dried on the shirt) with the year the prints were made, and above the hand prints it says "Best Dad" and below the prints it says, "Hands Down!" What a cute idea, eh! It was thoughtful, and also showed that she put her own time and effort into making it. It was special (too bad I didn't appreciate it more). Another thing she did was laminated a special picture strip of the two of us that we took on a date inside a picture booth. She turned it into a bookmark (since I love to read). She also made me a unique personalized name plate for my desk after getting my first job as a teacher.

Did anything of these gifts cost much money? No. Did they show thought, love, and consideration? Absolutely. Think about what you can make her or do for her that shows this kind of love. I have a friend from dance that loves to knit. She told me a few weeks ago that what she would LOVE to get from her boyfriend for Xmas is a pair of knitted gloves (or something knitted) that were made BY HIM. She followed this statement by saying she doesn't think it'll ever happen, but that's what she would love. She always knits things for him, and she would love to see him put in the time and effort to make something for her that shows her his respect & appreciation for what she does for him. Heck, she doesn't even care if they fit well, as long as he does his best! It shows her his unconditional love for her. It is a symbolic gesture in her mind, and it's pretty easy to see how something that costs so little could bring them so close, isn't it?

Okay, that's my point. Hope it makes sense. Wish I would've thought about things like this. Like you, I just bought my XW nice, expensive, tasteful gifts that I thought she would like, never considering that they held little significance in terms of showing genuine love. It was like you said -- buying her off, or something.

Take care, brotha!

GD

Hi Cliff,

Great advice from GD. I did stuff like that this past mother's day. Remember the photos of me and the kids dressed up like clowns with the signs that said "we're not clowning around, mom, we love you!!" She was touched by the effort. There are lots of resources on the web and in books (search Amazon) about ways to show love - neat little ideas and gifts. I think one is called, 365 ways to make your Wife/Son/Daughter, etc. feel loved. Things like washing her car and filling it with gas. Buying her a t-shirt from her alma mater, cleaning the jacuzzi bathtub, etc., etc., etc. Lots of great ideas out there. What's her favorite candy? Does she like cookies or cupcakes, etc. Anyway, that's general stuff and I'm not at all suggesting you should pour on a full court press of showing love. You still need some time and space, decompression I think.


Yeah, but think of it as trying to make the times when you do interact (even if kids are around) as pleasant and positive (without pursuing though) as possible. You can still have interactions with her that leave her feeling good, or at least not bad. That's a good goal. You need to fill up her memory bank with positive interactions, not stressful, combative, angry, negative ones.


I agree you can't really run off and start buying her gifts (though Christmas is coming up and and a good gift could help your cause - a thoughtful, meaningful one, maybe personal about how you hear her and acknowledge her needs or your efforts to change). But this analysis is not so much for now, and what you can or can't do to save your M. This is analysis of what went wrong, and what you'll do down the road with W (if you get the chance) or your next partner.

Also note that her buying herself gifts is completely unrelated to your filling her PLL. So she goes off and buys things, and spends money. You deal with that. But you do not stop making her feel loved by stopping giving her gifts if that is what is needed to make her feel loved. Does that make sense?


Not true. She doesn't have to acknowledge it. It would be better for everyone if she did, but it is not a prerequisite. Acknowledgement is about your needs. This is about her need for love. That's a key distinction. Get it?


Again, you are focusing on what CVA can get out of this process. I want thanks. I want praise. I want her to like what I buy. I want her to notice my good taste.

Be completely selfless. Check your needs at the door. This is all about making her feel loved. Period.


I like the idea of someting relavant to her family when she goes to Dallas. Maybe dinner. Maybe tickets to a show. Something. Keep noodling.


Yep!!!


Well, you don't like her dad, and you said he is boring and talks about something (cars?) all day. Is it possible your S ever overheard that kind of attitude towards her dad (or family) from you? Maybe he did get it from you. Possible?


Me too!!


Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nomo

Well shux!

Just trying to come up w/ something different than just going to her favorite booby shirt store and getting her another Juicy outfit! Yep, all correct on CVA seeking approval and affirmation that I am appreciated (my LL).

I will keep thinking on it.

C