Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 9

Heimlich,

I can't tell from your post if you are a bit defensive or just giving yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. No need for defensiveness, my compliment was sincere. Lots of people date without being upfront with their potential dates about where they are. It really isn't fair to anyone. So, again, well done.

Do be careful, though, if things start to get more than casual. To be honest, women who will date men who are still interested in reconciling with their current wife are probably going to be in a pretty weird place themselves R-wise, for whatever reason. This makes for two pretty emotionally vulnerable people, which make opportunities for confusion and hurt abound.

Hiya Heim,

So my PC has a date? I'm soooo jealous.

I do have to agree with what OT says


This is kind of where my H was w OW, she was in a weird place, he was, so they flung, and then it was major weirdness trying to get out of it all, emotionally for both. So be careful.

I would say honesty is one of your strong points too, but you do have a tendency to be defensive sounding and ambivalent. Maybe this is what your W still sees? Just a thought, that this transparent attitude might keep pushing her further away.

I've missed talking with ya, I've just been out piecing my pants off! (Wait, that didn't sound right...).

Furry,

Neither really, just a statement.

All you say is 100% true and it's good to see the words rather than just think them. Thanks for that. We'll just see what happens, if anything.

I guess this is the mystical land of detachment.

Seriously, if W and I had had that conversation a few months ago, my heart would be all a-twitter at the possibility of reconciliation. While the conversation itself was emotionally draining, about the only thing I could think after we ended was, 'Why the hell did we just have that conversation?'

The door is still propped open should W want to return, but I'm not looking out of the peephole every five minutes any longer.

BD

This is definately an impression that I give off. I don't feel it, but trying to figure out how the hell I stop. I actually don't mind being criticized/corrected or whatever. I believe I've mentioned a pretty strong sense of self. If I feel misjudged or if I don't quite understand someone's point, I've come to realize that me asking for clarification or just replying, I do sound defensive. I'll figure it out eventually.


Sounds perfect to me

A maybe date and interest. Calling tonight.

We'll see how charming I really am.

BD

'Why the hell did we just have that conversation?'

Best bet: W was starting to feel your distancing a bit and sought reassurance, so reconnected to restore the space she is comfortable with.

Problem: If so, all your reassurance did was make her comfortable exactly where she is... No need for her to really look at herself or choices more than she has, she's back in her comfort zone. She knows again that you are waiting on her doorstep should she decide to open the door for you.

"All you say is 100% true"

ROFL, BTW. I wouldn't even wish that were the case.

BTW, thanks. That was a nice thing to say. Glossed over that earlier.

How about "100% correct in the context of that single post"?

Interesting take on the why the conversation. I see what you're saying about her doorstep, and I do need to stop the reassurances in these instances. I think. Given what I know of my W, I'm not sure about that. I will say that over the summer I was always "We CAN work it out. We COULD be happy" 100% positive. Back in October, on Casey's bday, I really made a point to say I think we could, but I'm not 100% sure. Have made it a point to show uncertainty from there. Anyway, talking myself around to saying in future I should say nothing and move on along with my bad self.

BD

Defensiveness is something hard to stop. I was in it for years and it started to affect every aspect of my life. Then I tended to give off a negative attitude when I didn't even feel like I was!

I know its different for everyone, but I decided I didn't like feeling negative and woe is me all the time. This for me was all about humility and allowing my pride down(yes that again, lol), to place myself in others shoes. To really think about how I respond to people and not react impulsively to what they say. Change my body language and really HEAR people. Not just listen and react. As Puddle said, BEING HEARD IS POWERFUL.

On the potential date, well I can give you an out...(wicked laugh) give me your number so I can call at a specified time with an 'emergency'.

OT is 100% right?? Wow, where can I get some of that? Although I would agree the posts are mind provoking.

Put on your lucky charms PC.

Heya Heim,

I trust you know what you are doing vis-a-vis entering the dating scene again. I would caution you to listen to the folks posting on this board: dating while you are in this emotional state could prove to get quite complex. I realize you are not a monk, however, you are not divorced (either mentally or legally) yet either. Again, you are the master of your own soul. Let your conscience be your guide.

Best,
--Chris

There's the thing, Chris. I am divorced emotionally. There's a piece of paper somewhere that says I'm married. That's all.

As I said earlier, I would prefer that to not be true. But it is.

My emotions are steadier and in a better place than they've been in years.

I'll continue to monitor interactions with my W and notice any changes in behavior and keep the door propped open just in case she ever wants to look inside. I owe my girls that. I don't owe her that. If she ever does decide to look my way again, I'll see where I am then.

Thanks for the concern.

The best way I can explain this is that it's finally clicked that my life is mine and no longer linked to hers, other than as co-parents. It wasn't as much of a "road to Damascus" moment as when I realized back in June how much I had done wrong in our M. It hasn't been quite the instant flip of the switch, mentally, as that. It's been more gradual, but coming since October.

BD