Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 9

Hey Heim,

Hey there, ST. In regard to your comments about what Heim owes W, I submit that he owes her respect as the mother of his children and as a person. He doesn't "owe" her sticking around until she comes around. We all reach a point DBing, working on ourselves, when we either feel like we've done all we can or we don't want the R anymore (or both), and then we're open to someone else.

Sounds like you're reaching that point, Heim, at least regarding feeling like you've done what you can. You could have a fantastic life for years and years, without any outside romantic interest in the picture, and still be open to W's return. Or you might decide one day you're open to someone else and test the waters (the date).

The thing is, though, there's no calendar that says, okay, you've waited long enough, time to move on. Everyone is different. And no one can tell you you haven't given it enough time. When you're done, you'll know it. And then you don't "owe" your spouse any more time than that.

It's not ideal, I know. It would be great if every WAS came around, if every LBS were willing and able to wait until that day. Doesn't happen, though.

Take care.

Don't feel like posting much, but just wanted to get this out.

Yep, asked out lady I was refering to yesterday. She sent me an email last night and called me about an hour ago (have the girls, so let it go to VM) and she left a message that she was looking forward to it, was about to go out to dinner, but would be back around 10 and I was welcome to call then. So, looking forward to getting that set up.

Good office Christmas party. Ended up playing pool with two of the young ladies in the office (the Brit and her drinking buddy, who's in our member department). After pool, went out to a bar around the corner. Ended up doing a little pseudo salsa dancing.

Only down side, I totally forgot to bring my girls sleeping stuff over. I hate having no short term memory. Got a very bitter VM from W "You're a selfish B. You shouldn've seen the hurt in their eyes. They were so upset. You say you're trying to be a better man, but you're not. 2 or 3 minutes of this."

Yeah, I whiffed on that. Same time, she could've gone to my apt and picked that stuff up at any time "I thought you had it with you because you were bringing it over." As everyone says, they focus in on that one negative thing you do and that becomes their world. I'll never be perfect, and I apologized to the girls and they were OK, "That's OK daddy, you were having fun and just forgot. I wasn't that upset." Love my kids.

Mini-vent: Yeah, she didsn't see how their faces fell when she told them she wasnt' coming for Thanksgiving or hear them say they wish mama was there. Or see the excitement that she might stay with them in Lake Charles or the disappointment when she said no. Or the way Lauren winces anytime I say something about what we're going to do at Christmas next year, plans that don't include W.

And I'm the selfish one.

BD

(((((Heim)))))

That bites. Duck's back, my friend.

Wonderful about the lady friend. What's up with the Brit? Seems like maybe if you're going to date, dating a few at a time might be the way to go...

See you behind the bar in Mexico.

Take care.

Obviously she still has a lot of resentment from how she was hurt in the past. She still is trying to put blame on you and can't see her own faults. or perhaps, the more she tries to put the blame on you and find blame on you, the less she needs to look at her own faults.

like puddle said, duck's back. But maybe it might be time to do something different. ? would it be a 180 to give her constructive criticism? or to stand up for yourself?

just wondering. I know DBing it to let things go most of the time, but for some, doing a 180 might mean doing the exact opposite of DBing.

Puddle, as I mentioned, I understand your viewpoint and Heims, and I can't say I agree, due to religious reasons, but I understand, and every person has to make that choice for him or herself. and I am grateful for anyone who makes an effort to try for whatever length of time they are capable of doing so.

Heim -

What was the meetup thing you went to last weekend? Was it a group through meetup.com. I am considering joining some of the local groups after the holidays.

Yep, meetup.com. Looking into a few of the local hiking groups as well. It's a little hit or miss with the quality of the groups, but it's a pretty easy way to meet people.

Bryant

"Only down side, I totally forgot to bring my girls sleeping stuff over. I hate having no short term memory. Got a very bitter VM from W "You're a selfish B. You shouldn've seen the hurt in their eyes. They were so upset. You say you're trying to be a better man, but you're not. 2 or 3 minutes of this."

Yeah, I whiffed on that. Same time, she could've gone to my apt and picked that stuff up at any time "I thought you had it with you because you were bringing it over." As everyone says, they focus in on that one negative thing you do and that becomes their world. I'll never be perfect, and I apologized to the girls and they were OK, "That's OK daddy, you were having fun and just forgot. I wasn't that upset." Love my kids."

FWIW, this is one of those times where you are giving off the weird vibe...

I had the girls Thursday night. Was supposed to bring over the stuff they sleep with -- a variety of pillows and robes -- on Friday. Rushing to get out of the door on Friday morning and through the day, I just totally forgot about it. Totally. No ill intent, just slipped my mind.

Thus the VM from W.

All I can think of is, WTH. It's like she sees me starting to be happy again and wants to knock me down a peg. For now, her opinion just isn't one that counts for me.

Now, I felt awful for letting my girls down and apologized to both of them. They were OK and we had a good weekend together. Just put on Inspector Gadget for them.

Still, damn.

That make any more sense/explain the vibe?

BD

((((Heim))))

I think that you are doing a good job, and you have to do what feels right for you!
You can't hang on in the hopes that your W may come back, go and see what else the world has in store for you, and enjoy it!!

Heim,

With the W, it is just resentment. I was talking to a neighbor the other day, D'ed years ago, has a great W now and a good life. He says his 1st W left him, and now she is the most bitter pill because he is happy. She sees him happy and she hates it. For some it isn't enough to just leave, they have to try and hurt you as well. I wouldn't pay her any mind to the VM.