Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Please help--Need advice!!!

I guess your right--it's just so hard when your entire focus in life was your family. I have three daughters and always spent a lot of time with them. I get to have them half of the week but that other half is very lonely. I am constantly thinking about them and the family we once were, including my wife. My wife is talking dating now...this is my next quandry. I explained to her that I can't and don't want to control her. But I don't want her to start dating--we have only been seperated 3 weeks! But if she decides to start should I start dating also?? I don't want to but I'm afraid she will see it as a sign of weakness. She said something to the effect that she felt "sorry" that I was going to go to Daytona beach my myself. This is after she angrily said she "knew" that I was going with someone. I know they say not to believe 50% of what a MLC says but should I address the dating thing at all?? Should I ignore it?? My friend told me I should stop talking to her except with kid issues--is that a good idea. I am very anxious about all this. I have tried to ignore the talk of a D but she keeps wanting me to read her "list" of what she wants. Should i just give in and let it happen?? I am not sure if I can imagine getting back together id she is has sex with another guy...I mean dating isn't all about sex--but that's where it eventually leads...please help

P
sorry you find yourself here
If your W is in MLC and she is around the right age
there is probably nothing you can do to stop it
I would say nothing about the dating
MY H took his ring off in june when he moved out
I suppose he was already with OW
I kept mine on until recently
I have not dated
Im sure H has
We havent talked about it
Its hard to get used to and it hurts but it doesnt mean anything
and OP is part of the MLC issues
they are running from themselves
dealing with identity issues
and from what ive read childhood issues as well
it is not about us
sorry about your kids
I know it must be hard to not see them daily
Im lucky mine are with me all the time as H comes here to see them only
hang in
read the MLC resourses and others threads
belive none of what they say and half of what you see
go on make a life for you for now
most people here would say dont date for now
you are vunerable and need to get clear and heal
or
you may attract a nightmare into your life
wait if you can
adding more R into the mix will only confuse you
good luck
peace

The only reason I would date would be to make her jealous...I'm only interested in getting our family back together...what do you think about not talking to her??

I see this question all the time on this board--more from the males than females, but it still never fails to shock me.

To answer that question, ask yourself a few other questions.

Do you want to be married to your wife?
What did it say in your vows?

If the answer to the first question is YES, then why would you consider dating. Do you know what that is? It is committing adultery, cheating--whether sex is invlved or not.

Did your vows include for better/worse in sickenss/health...'til death do us part.
There is not even an affair (that you are aware of) yet. This is part of the for worse, and if she is MLC you can also consider it part of Dis-Ease. Most MLCers have affairs--though I think more woman may not, but still most from both genders have affairs. Unfortunately infidelity is not uncommon--I think it is something like 70% of marriages experience infidelity. If that happens, your for worse isn't even uncommon.

Jack has already advised you reagarding motives such as this.

First, this is a bad idea that often backfires. And what would happen if she did get jealous? Maybe she would be so angry and your actions would further serve to justify her leaving. Oh, but what if it brought her home for fear she would lose you. Good job, now you;ve got a broken and resentful woman. Actually you've got two people who attempt to get what they want through control. Two people who do not have enough belief in their own selves to let things go and to allow the good person they are to emerge and be the prize.

She could return and try for a while. But trust me, it would not last and it would be worse next time. Is that what you want?

How do you feel when manipulated? Used, controlled, like you have no personal choice?
Do you think your wife feels any differently?

Your actions need to be for your Self. She will be angry. That line about you not doing stuff before with her...that is normal. She sees your jailhouse conversion at change and feels resentful that you didn't do it earlier.

Does that mean you shouldn't change now--since it will make no difference to her?
Think about it this way. If you make a change that she wanted (and you end up liking it too), but she complains--because of her resentment that it wasn't earlier--what do you think she will believe is you stop the change because it no longer makes a difference to her?

Well first, it does make a difference, but it doesn't mean she will immediately turn around and waltz home--and if she does, be it is likely to not last.

If you stop your changes, it is evidence to her that they were not real--and she may have been saying that all along, did you really want to prove her right? IT is also evidence to her that you were only doing it to get her back--manipulate and control.

Does that mean you should or shouldn't go away for a few days.
You shouldn't if you don't want to. But then again, consider whether you could have fun--you can choose to enjoy it.
But what would you rather do? You mentioned fishing...how about a fishing trip?

I got the idea you felt pity from her when she believed you about going away alone. She lacks self-esteem and gets her strength from relationships--from external sources. She needed you to validate her worth. She feels that is what spouses do.
Sure, it's what unhealthy couples do.

I am a Stander--I don't believe in divorce. I told Sweetheart that regardless of what the law said (if we divorced) I would NEVER date or marry again--while he lived. I told him I did not need that. I was married and no law could change that fact.

If you are Standing but not a strict Stander, don't go that far. But you do need to come to a place where you don't need a partner to prove your worth. And you need to communicate to her that you do not need to go away with anyone. that though you would prefer to go with her, you will also enjoy going alone.

Listen, you are in the very beginning of this. If she is MLC, it takes years. She will likely date--and yes that will lead to a sexual relationship. No guarantees, but look around this board, very few do not have affairs.

If you want to be married to your wife--now, later with or without a divorce in between--you will need to deal with infidelity.

You are also likley going to deal with legal proceesdings.
Whether you have time is irrelevant. I'm sorry, but there are times it is acceptable to back out of something you said you would do.

Get your own lawyer. Do not discuss legal proceedings with her; refer her to the lawyers. Tell her that is how these things work.

Sure, she'll get angry, she'll get pissed and scream, threaten hate you...
Sweetheart in desperation told me to sign and he'd give me everything--he was groggy and falling asleep. The next day when I mentioned it, he denied it and said I was being 'vindictive' and only wanted him for his money--what money!

I told him "I'm sorry you feel that way." And stood my ground.

If you don't want a divorce, do not help her to divorce you--she can fill out the paperwork, go to her attorney etc. Find an attorney who will protect you and the kids, but also understands that your goal is to NOT divorce. Find a pro-marriage counselor who understands and support that also.

You and your wife are emotionally entangled--dependent on each other for self-worth. That means you two need to be separated for a bit just to disentangle your individual Selves from this mess...and then you need to discover who you are.

I know you just want her home...then you will fix it.
But that is not how it works--sorry. You need to work on your Self FIRST, otherwise your marriage will not work. Your wife is not a strong person right now, she is having a crisis of identity. You are also not strong right now. She cannot return to you unless you become strong. You will do that. You should become strong long before she returns. Part of your strength needs to be in Patience.

MLCers often return broken--no longer still breaking, but broken and in some state of repair. When that happens, you need to be strong.

You will get strong by finding and focusing on your Self. GAL is part of this. Your motivations will be Self motivations. In the beginning they may be motivations for her, but they will become self. You may try things for her and hate them, try some and love them. Keep what pleases you and discard what does not--regardless of your wife's opinions.

Standing is one of the easiest and hardest things you can choose to do.
It is easy because it is simple. You are married, to Stand be married and true to your vows.

It is hard because you may be wthout emotional and sexual intimacy for a long time. You will deal with the emotional pain of your children. Your wife may spew venom at you. You may deal with this through legal proceedings. You may have financial strains.

Start right now by breathing--slow and deep. You've been in panic. Breathe. Do you have a counselor? If not, find one today.
Do you have a lawyer, if not, find one today.

You can do this. Whatever happens you will survive, succeed and be stronger.

HUGS,
RCR

I really appreciate your answer. But I don't know if I can be that strong. If my wife has sex with another man I don't know if I could forgive her. And the other thing is my needs for intimacy are great. I have been without it for 5 months--I guess I am weak. I love my wife and kids but how long can I sacrifice my feelings and dignity. I see all these people going on year after year and I wonder how they can do it. I understand MLC is a sickness but shouldn't they be partially responsible for causing the pain they do, to their spouses and children and everyone else...God, it doesn't seem fair

Patrick you received a wonderful answer from RCR. Now it is up to you, and what you want. Is your marriage, and all it represents, worth standing for - if not, let it go. No-one will condemn you for that, and you may save yourself a world of misery.

If you feel you want to stand you are taking a tough decision with no certain outcome. RCR has spelled out why people do it, but you don't have to. It is up to you. I thought I couldn't forgive my h, but now I know I can. It is funny how we both uplift and degrade sex in our society: we make it too important and not important enough. . . . It is an important ingredient in marriage, and I value fidelity, but it isn't the be all and end of marriage, or any relationship. That to me, is immature and MLC thinking.

Celibacy is tough, but not impossible - although modern society seems to suggest that it is!

And no it isn't fair - as someone said - if life was fair we would all spend much of our lives in third world countries

I guess in my mind I have to figure out a time when I will give in. Of course when that time comes I may change it. I just feel like hearing people say 5 years, 6 years, it seems like a lifetime. I guess I have to take it a day at a time....this is the great thing about these boards are people like all of you helping people find strength. And helping us to see beyond the pain and negative thoughts. Even my own friends and family can do that...they don't really help most of the time.

How old are you?

This is a horrible plan, now I know your reeling from this whole bomb drop thing, so I'll go easy.

You date and find someone you 'like' hang out start developing feelings, your wife, maybe shows interest in you. What do you do?
Well now YOU'RE a scumbag. Now you are going to hurt someone, or up the scumbag card and date both, a couple coktails, and well...

This is a horrible plan Patrick.
This is highschool planning, which is short term and designed for effect.

As for Fair, Life isn't fair, MLC is is a example of life not being fair driven home with a sledgehammer.



In one sentence you are talking about, lets face it, Sex. In the other sentence you are talking about feelings and dignity being tied to it?

Hand. That's how you get through.

If they come out of MLC, they realize what they have done, and that is why I say without forgiveness this is a waste of time.

Life sucks, get a straw or drown.

You need to be tougher to make it through this.

it's more than sex! It's having someone look at you with loving eyes. It's someone smiling at you when you do something silly. It's someone kissing you and saying I love you. Someone laying on the couch with you holding eachother.....Maybe some people can be satisfied with masturbation. Is it weak to need love, real love? I don't think so. Sometimes we need to have self respect too.

Someone? Or your wife?
You answer that one honestly, and you'll have your answer if you can do this.