Did you guys ever lose your connection altogether? Was there a time when she treated you almost like a stranger and then you got close again where she started confiding in you? Just curious.
Back in August/September she was very distant. She would go out after work at come home at 2 in the morning. Didn't eat, didn't sleep, drank all the time. She wouldn't tell me anything at all. I would get bits and pieces once in a while, but it wasn't until mid-October when she came back from a trip with work that she started to talk to me more - Unfortunately that was a week before she moved out, but we did talk about it and we both agreed that some time apart would be helpful for us.
Probably the last 4 weeks or so have been a lot more intense when it comes to her confiding in me. She is always more down this time of year, so I think she is feel a little more miserable than usual.
Originally Posted By: JennyF
I know what you mean about saying 'it is easy to fix'. I said this to H about 7 weeks back (S was only a week old)...before I found DB. It didn't go over well. He said something like "What? Move back in and live happily ever after?". I just can't imagine with such young kids how it is so easy for them to walk away from the opportunity to be close to them. My H just keeps saying 'they will be fine'. But why is it better to give up that closeness rather than make the effort to try to save it by working on the M? Is it just this crazy selfishness going on inside of them?
I think it's all just a way to protect themselves - They can't handle the stress of being a spouse, a parent or whatever. My W is actually MUCH better with D than she was in the middle of the year.
Jenny, I think your H and mine are very disconnected from us right now. I know I said a lot of the wrong things to my H in the beginning and even recently. I wanted to tell him last week when he said it wasn't easy sleeping in the car and his office that I never asked him to move out. My H tells me pretty much nothing right now. Certainly not how he is feeling or what he is thinking. I think part of it is he doesn't want to admit he may have been wrong about us and our R. I do think he is having some second thoughts, but he won't admit to them. I would guess all of our WAS go through that at some point. I think Brit's wife is realizing that she hasn't made all of the right decisions and it seems she is willing to work on that.
Your situation sounds more and more hopeful each time I read your thread. You are one of the few active situations I get to read about here that makes me know that DBing works.
I wouldn't go as far as saying it 'works' - It certainly helps, and doesn't make things any worse. It continues to be up to the WAS to take the steps necessary to mend the relationship.
We're certainly no where close to even talking about being back together, but the fact that we are talking at all is better than nothing.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Keep up the good work and have a wonderful holidays with your W and D. Even though my situation has taken another dark corner, I will still be having a good Chirstmas holiday in Mexico. I have you to thank for getting myself to go ahead and book that trip for myself and the kids.
This time of year is really tough - Lots of memories, emotions and events that make us feel like we're forced into being a happy family again. I'm sure you and your kids will have great fun over the Holidays - Even if your W isn't part of it, at least you will have extra time and energy to put into your children to make Christmas really exciting for them!
W came over earlier than planned, so we went out to lunch with D together. The weather was awful and there was a wait at the restaurant, but we got there eventually. Yesterday W told me she went Christmas shopping in the morning, but today she told me she went to a car auction with OM instead. Later she told me she had lunch with him too (although she paid for it...). I got a little annoyed during lunch about it, but I brushed it off after a few minutes - I've no idea why she told me all of that. W asked if I didn't want her around, so I told her that I wanted her around and that I wasn't feeling too good (which is true).
When we drove home D fell asleep, so we talked for a while in the car... Mostly her talking about OM - About how he doesn't make good decisions, that his gf is an idiot and that he only likes to spend time with my W because she reminds him of his Grandma who brought him up. Sounds like such a wonderful relationship they have. I'm totally past caring about it anymore.
W and I spent a couple of hours moving boxes out of the attic while D took a nap, which I think was pretty hard for her. I cut my back up pretty badly on a nail, so W cleaned it up and took care of it for me. I messed around a little with me, and she just laughed. Called me sweetie and stuff, then when I hugged her afterwards I grabbed her butt and she didn't say anything bad about it. We watched a movie afterwards, then D woke up so we played with her for a bit.
W started talking about leaving because of the weather, but she didn't do anything. She said she didn't want anything for dinner, so I cooked dinner for D and me, plus extra for W - Guess what?!? W ate it anyway We gave D a bath and played more and watched TV. After D went to bed, I dug out the drive way and cleaned off W's car for her, then she drove home. Usual hug/kiss/ILY when she left.
I talked to her on IM when she got home - I asked her to let me know she got home safe. She talked a little, but I mostly got one word answers. I thanked her for coming over today, and she asked if I was annoyed with her - I guess she noticed more than I thought when we were out. I tried to smooth things over a little, but she just seemed really unhappy. She went to bed around 9:40, which is really early for her - When we were together she usually went to bed between 11 and midnight. She is definitely behaving a little differently. She doesn't stay logged onto IM all day and night like she used to, hasn't checked her e-mail since Thursday and she is unusually critical of herself about so many things. I really try to encourage her and try to boost her self-esteem, but I'm not sure if it really does anything for her.
I was very tempted to have her stay over tonight, but she didn't have anything for work tomorrow, so she'd have to go home anyway. I mentioned earlier today that if the weather got really bad, maybe she would get stuck here, and she just asked me if I had a couple of movies she wanted to watch.
I wish I understood what was going on in her head right now. She just doesn't seem to find enjoyment in much of anything anymore.
I am sure she is completely conflicted and is unhappy about it. It's not working the way she had envisioned it. She misses you and the OM isn't working out either.
I am sure she is completely conflicted and is unhappy about it. It's not working the way she had envisioned it. She misses you and the OM isn't working out either.
I don't know if she misses me - I don't think we spend a whole lot of time apart anymore for that to happen.
She has been talking to me off and on all day, although she's spending a lot of time putting herself down. Turns out she failed the certification tests we went to on Friday and I passed, so she thinks she's essentially worthless now. I did the best I could to lift her spirits, but she has been critical of herself for most of the day. Not sure if she's coming to me because she knows I'll make her feel better or something else.
Not sure if she's coming to me because she knows I'll make her feel better
Probably. I'm sure OM isn't much into validating and listening.
I struggle with your situation Brit. I'm pleased to see positives in your situation, but my own personal issues creep up when I read this stuff. I couldn't sit and listen to my wife talk about some OM. Does it piss you off at all? I don't think there is anything wrong with erecting some boundaries. If you don't want to hear it, or if it puts a downer on the evening, I don't think it's wrong to point that out. Keeping silent about resentments is part of the problem in marriage. If she was working through issues after the affair was over, that would be one thing, but as long as he's in the picture, it just seems like rubbing salt in your wounds. I'm sure it isn't intentional; you've become like one of her girlfriends, someone she can talk to. Couldn't you indicate that she could find another sounding board for talk about her R with OM?
Take this advice with a grain of salt and see what others think. I've been through this crazy rollercoaster and my perception of how I'd handle things has changed.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Probably. I'm sure OM isn't much into validating and listening.
I'm sure she doesn't talk about all of the 'deep' stuff with him like she does with me. The guy is really young and immature, so I doubt she gets much positive reenforcement from him. If she did, I suspect she wouldn't talk to me as much.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
I struggle with your situation Brit. I'm pleased to see positives in your situation, but my own personal issues creep up when I read this stuff. I couldn't sit and listen to my wife talk about some OM. Does it piss you off at all? I don't think there is anything wrong with erecting some boundaries. If you don't want to hear it, or if it puts a downer on the evening, I don't think it's wrong to point that out. Keeping silent about resentments is part of the problem in marriage. If she was working through issues after the affair was over, that would be one thing, but as long as he's in the picture, it just seems like rubbing salt in your wounds. I'm sure it isn't intentional; you've become like one of her girlfriends, someone she can talk to. Couldn't you indicate that she could find another sounding board for talk about her R with OM?
From what I've been able to gather, there isn't actually much of a relationship beyond what W has in her head and the little time they spend together at work. Last time I talked to her about it, which was maybe two months ago, she admitted she had a crush and that she was over it at the time - She got mad because I was jealous and I set me back quite a ways with our R.
I get more frustrated after an instance where she will tell me she is not friends with him anymore - Usually for a real and legitimate reason. This last happened a couple of weeks ago. Then maybe a week later she will tell me that she was talking to him about something, or some crap like that. Last time I called her on it she wasn't very defensive, but sounded a little hesitant to try to justify why she had backed down.
The problem I see in creating a boundary is that she will be afraid I'm going to get mad at her or something if it comes up by accident. She seems particularly sensitive if I get frustrated or annoyed, almost to the point where she is withdrawing. We both usually get a lot out of the positive conversations we've been having recently - Like it or not, OM is part of the problem and has to be figured out one way or another.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
Take this advice with a grain of salt and see what others think. I've been through this crazy rollercoaster and my perception of how I'd handle things has changed.
I'm mostly just keeping myself removed from the whole OM thing. I've challenged W about it, I've thrown information I've gathered at it, and I've put her on the spot to find out what is going on. All that did was cause more problems between myself and W that needed to be solved. Every time W has had a problem with OM, it has been after they've been out somewhere together, or something has happened - W has expectations of him that he probably has no intention of doing anything about. Hell, he has his own gf now that happened in he middle of the sitch, so I'm sure W is feeling pretty crappy that he picked up someone else when she was so focused on having an R with him.
W has talked to me pretty much all day - Doesn't look like she even left her desk for lunch. She has already asked me out for dinner tonight:
(2:43:16 PM) W: did you want to go to P's tonight or are you busy?
I've been getting all sorts of mixed signals from her today - She talks about how 'we need to live cheaply for a while'. What the hell does that mean? Am I reading too much into the 'we' portion of the sentence?
Okay, so W and I are going out to dinner tonight. Any suggestions of anything I should do differently, or bring up?
I'm going to ask her over for Christmas Eve and ask her to stay that night for Christmas morning with D. Not going to do it tonight, because she'll probably forget and I'll have to go through the whole thing again - Will wait until the weekend
Sounds to me like she still needs to get OM out of her system, but maybe she's working through it. It would have almost been better if this "relationship" with OM had completely imploded. This "what could have been" can be a real bugaboo. But eventually she'll realize that she's completely content with you.
Don't know if you are reading too much. Sounds like she's enjoying her time with you. Just go with it and enjoy. My gut tells me that it's just a matter of time. I can't understand what the hold-up on committing to you is, but she'll get there. Can you just go with this for a while? Have you lowered your guard enough that she's not scared you'll reject her if she wants more with you?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
